Page 61 of Playing Dirty
“Fathers are…” I trail off, not really sure what word I’m searching for. Mostly because, until Adam, I haven’t had a father figure in a decade.
“Impossible?” Theo supplies dryly, his head slumping back against the seat.
I drum my fingers on the steering wheel, not sure if it’s my place to give him advice on this kinda thing. We might’ve been vibing pretty well earlier, but we’re still on shaky ground—barely even friends—and the last thing I wanna do is rock the boat with him.
“Say whatever it is you’re thinking,” he murmurs, cutting into my thoughts. “I know you have an opinion.”
When I glance in his direction, I find him already staring at me. His brow arches, waiting for me to say my piece, but I opt for something more light-hearted instead.
“Oh, so nowyou’rethe mind reader?”
There’s a flicker of recognition in his eyes, pulling us both back to the hot tub, before he replies, “And you’re the one deflecting.”
There’s a beat where the two of us just look at each other, lingering in this moment as much as we are the one on that cold, snowy night. But the main difference between then and now? Not an ounce of contempt or anger swirls in his eyes.
All I see staring back at me is desire and a hint of sadness, though I know the latter has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the conversation at hand.
“It’s not my place to tell you how to feel about your dad,” I start softly, my attention shifting between the road and him and back again. “But I do know he really loves you. He cares that you’re hurting right now, even if he doesn’t show it in the best way.”
Theo scoffs and shakes his head. “He doesn’t show it inanyway, Madden.”
I nod, realizing it’s all I really can do right now. Because, as much as I’d love to lay out proof for him, it still wouldn’t make him ready to believe or accept it as the truth. That’s a bridge he needs to cross on his own.
“I’m just so angry with him,” he finally says, voice tinted withdefeat. “For doing what he did, yeah, but also for showing me he’s not the man I thought he was. It’s a bitter pill to swallow, seeing his flaws.”
It’s a little bit of a gut-punch, hearing those words from him. I know far more about flawed parents—fathers specifically—than I care to admit. But it’s also how I know Theo isn’t doing a damn thing to process his emotions about all of it either.
“Have you had an actual conversation with him about how you’re feeling?” I hedge.
“What use would it be? He made his choice; it’s not like I can change his mind about it or make everything go back to the way it was.” I catch his grimace as I glance at him again and find his expression turning guilty. “Sorry. I know this is…weird.”
Shaking my head, I reach over and rest my hand on his arm. “Don’t be. Seriously. You’re…grieving, you know? I can’t imagine being in your shoes right now.”
It’s no excuse for the way he treated Mom and me, but I still feel bad for him. Our circumstances were entirely different when our parents got married.
I didn’t have to watch my family fall apart in front of my eyes, and I certainly wasn’t expected to just accept an entire new family as a consolation prize for the one I’d just lost. But Theo did. It’s a lot for anyone to accept, and though he might not be dealing with it in the best way, his feelings and the resentment he has for those responsible are still valid.
Part of me wonders if that’s part of the reason I was on the receiving end of his ire. Because he thought I somehow knew or was involved too, and that’s why he was constantly questioning my intentions over break.
My fingers rub along the fabric of his long-sleeve subconsciously, the motion soothing me more than it probably is him as we get lost in thought for a few minutes. Thankfully, it’s all we need before pulling intothe parking lot of our destination.
Neither of us make a move to get out of the vehicle after I kill the engine, and while I don’t want to dampen the mood, I have to get my thoughts off my chest.
“I hope you know I don’t love how they chose to go about all of this either. I was already up at Blackmore, so I had no idea Adam was married when he and Mom started seeing each other. And I won’t make excuses for them either, because it was shitty,” I admit, feeling nothing but truth in the statement. “But I meant it when I told you there was no motivation behind anything I did in Vermont besides her. She’s done everything she can to set me up for success, and she did it all on her own for most of my life. I can hate what they did but still love her and want her to be happy.”
“For the record, I never thought you knew what was happening with them,” he murmurs while shaking his head. “I didn’t love the way you swallowed the happy family pill so easily after it all came out, but I understand why you did. It just…feels like a betrayal to my mom if I did too.”
He pauses and fiddles with the hem of his sweatshirt before whispering, “I can’t even really blame your mom either. She wasn’t the one who was married, you know?”
“Still doesn’t make it right to get involved with someone who was.”
“True, but it also makes it harder to hate her.” His gaze lifts to mine, and the corner of his lips shift into the smallest smile before he adds, “Especially when she makes a killer apple pie.”
“Just wait until you try her peach cobbler.”
He chuckles a little, breaking the intensity of the moment, and shakes his head. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
“Well, in that case,” I start with a wry smirk. “Maybe think about letting go of those feelings you’re keeping pent up inside too. It’s not healthy, youknow? It might not change anything in the long run, but holding on to it only hurts you more.”
