Page 35 of Maybe
Did I describe him as inconveniently charming? My mistake. I meant inconveniently adorable. Helpless laughter fell out of me. “Oh my God, Isaac, who hurt you?”
He laughed too. “My own expectations, clearly.”
“You need someone to show you it doesn’t have to be like that.”
“Well, when you find him, do me a favour and point him in my direction.”
He’s right here, buddy. He’s right here.
CHAPTER 14
EZRA
An hour or so later, Pretty Vacant drew to a pretty close, and the bar emptied out. It struck me that Isaac was hitting the booze hard to drown his sorrows, but discovering a little late in the day that the fuckers had learned how to swim. With alcohol metabolising his maudlin thoughts into maudlin words, the big brother in me decided it was time to take charge.
Which is how we found ourselves in a half empty McDonalds, stuffing our faces with a Big Mac and fries.
“Coming out tonight was a good idea,” he declared, slurring a little and waving each fry around like he was conducting an orchestra. “The band were awesome. All down to your songs.”
I smiled at him. He'd usurped Jonty as my number one fan. “Then I’ll take all the credit.”
“You should. Especially as you hide in them,” he carried on, his mouth full.
“I what?”
“You hide in them. In the songs. On the outside, you’re like this cool, sorted guy—easy-going Ezra, the world’s best mate. I watched you tonight, you know. Talking to everyone, everyonewanting to come over and say hi.” He dipped a chip in a blob of mayo. “They might think they know you, but they don’t. They don’t know about your past, and so none of them realise the real you is hidden in all the songs, if only they listened to the words. Not even your friend, Neil.”
“I’ve got toes but I’m not a toaster?” I scoffed. “Hardly Socratic.”
“Not that one, perhaps.” Isaac’s brow furrowed. “But you said you wrote that with Neil. I meant the others, the sad ones, about love and loss.”
Suddenly, the noisy fast-food restaurant felt unseasonably warm. Lusting after Isaac was one thing, him delving into my psyche another altogether, and one I wasn’t prepared for. I never plummeted those depths if I could help it. “None of them is about love and loss.”
“No?” Isaac grinned. Drunken perhaps, but it lit up his face. “Keep telling yourself that, Ez.”
I raised my hands in surrender. “I’ve been found out,” I dead panned. “I admit it. My life story, secreted into the lyrics of a song calledEagle with Scabbed Wings. Belted out at 100 decibels by a bunch of Green Day wannabes.”
“It’s true,” he insisted. “You can take the piss all you like. But you’re like a kid playing hide and seek. Crouched behind the sofa and thinking you’re so cunning, except everyone can see half your arse sticking out. I can, anyhow.”
Unbidden, my hand found its way to the rough old eagle tattoo on my hip. I’d thought I was smart, getting that without our father finding out. Somewhere along the way, a cigarette burn disfigured it, hence the song title.
“Stop talking bollocks,” I grumbled, “And eat your chips. Half of them have missed your mouth and are on the floor.”
I tipped the last of my Pepsi down my throat. Trust bloody Isaac to go beyond the simple lyrics, about a bird abandonedby the flock, and hear the truth. Eagles didn’t even bloody congregate in flocks. Pleased with himself, he stuck his tongue out at me.
“Alright, alright. Keep your scabby eagle wings on. What’s the latest song you’re working on about, then?”
“It’s…” I busied myself swirling ice cubes around the bottom of my cardboard beaker, aware of Isaac’s curious, slightly unfocused, blue gaze. Fuck it, he probably wouldn’t even remember this conversation in the morning. “It’s about, you know… us.” I fiddled with the straw, studying it like it held the secret to eternal life. “How my emotions have been so confused since all this happened, Dad and everything. Since… you.”
“Sing me some lyrics,” he ordered.
“Absolutely not. It’s not finished yet.” No way would I share. I’d die of embarrassment. Singing thatthe right light wasn’t easy to find, yet how it shone from Isaac? And how I turned my soul to catch it?
“But I want to hear it!” he persisted. “Especially if they’re about me.” He grinned like he’d been given the wrong exam results and just found out he’d scored 100 percent. “You’ve written a song about me! That’s so cool.” He took a slurp of Pepsi. “And so Iamright. All your songsarefrom your heart. I was only a kid, but don’t think I don’t remember you showing me your eagle tattoo. You’ll have to show it me again sometime.”
Fuck, I needed a rapid change of subject. I pointed to the corner of his mouth where a smug smile lurked. “You’ve got mayonnaise on your lip. Here.”
Before he could reach up, I swiped it off, held my finger up for his inspection, then very deliberately brought it to my own mouth. “Mmm.” I gave it a lascivious lick, watching Isaac’s greasy lips part, hearing his breath catch. “Perhaps I’m not the only one of us hiding emotional stuff?”
