Page 49 of Served
Ann’s eyes lit up and she rummaged through her bag passing me goodies. Then she pulled out sunblock.
“Here, I’ll spray you down. You are so fair you’ll burn if we don’t.”
“Being a mom suits you well,” I said as she sprayed me down while I ate my snack like a toddler.
“I’m a caregiver. Some folks just have the gene. I miss nursing sometimes, but I don’t miss those hours! And I love being with the kids. It’s nice to feel needed.”
“Exactly.”
“What was that?”
“I was just saying it’s nice to feel needed. Someone recently argued with me that I made them feel needed but not wanted.”
She was behind me rubbing in the sunblock she sprayed on as she spoke, “Well, I mean, not to gross you out but I want your brother to want me. I know heneedsa woman to be with and take care of the family. Wanting is like choosing, ya know? But it’s nice that the kids need me now, they’re kids so they need their mom. Hopefully, they’ll justwantto be around when they get older.”
That was a loaded remark. So much guilt from a few sentences. Shitty girlfriend and shitty daughter.
Ann finished rubbing my sunblock on and sprayed some on herself.
“Hey, can you rub this in on my shoulders? It works better that way.”
I leaned back up to rub hers in. Even the fact that she had to ask me to do this for her after she just did it for me was another gut punch.
I really was selfish.
“Hey, Luce. Seriously, you okay? Do you wanna go back to the house?”
I shook my head, “Ann, am I a bad person?”
Ann’s eyes were huge and round. She tilted her head and reached her hand out to me.
“Honey, you’re not a bad person. Are you aware of other’s feelings all the time?” She shrugged but was grinning. “Are you a little self-indulgent?” She shrugged and grinned again. “But you’re not a bad person.”
“Thanks for the words of encouragement,” I said as I grinned back. I was only moderately insulted because I knew she was right. But she loved me anyway. So did Amy, Ethan, my niece and nephew, and my parents. Maybe Jason would have under different circumstances.
The timing of our new relationship couldn’t have been worse. Add that to my already self-serving attitude and there wasn’t much of a chance for any of my good qualities to show through long enough for him to see. The only problem now is, I’ve seen all of his good qualities and wasn’t ready to lose them. But I had no leg to stand on. I was selfish. I had given nothing to the relationship. I only took.
But this couldn’t be the end.
I had to think of something. Maybe once the trial was over, I could plead with him. But what if he wouldn’t listen? This feeling was eating at me. I had never been scared to lose anyone before. I usually was the one pushing them away. Knots grew in my stomach as I started biting at my fingers, but Ann was stretched out enjoying the sun. I stretched my legs out and leaned back in the chair hoping the sun could help melt away some of this tension.
After some small talk and a few trips in the water to cool off, Ann stood to leave.
“I need to go clean up before I get the kids from school. You want to come up or stay?”
I stood and folded my chair. I didn’t want to sit out here alone plus I needed to pee and couldn’t force myself to go in the ocean.
Once we made it back, I waited for her to leave to get the kids before I hopped in the shower. She was back with the kids by the time I was done so I went downstairs to visit with them for a while and help with dinner.
It was a great evening sitting around the table with family. The kids told me all about school, their friends, how long they could hold their breath under water, and who ran the fastest.
“Hey, you still carry that notebook around everywhere?” My brother asked as he sipped wine after dinner.
“Uh, well, actually I’m not sure I packed it. I was telling Ann it’s been a bit since I wrote anything new. But I’ll pick it up again.”
“You still planning to be some bigshot songwriter?” Older brothers. Geez.
“I don’t know. I’d still love to hear a song of mine on the radio by some big star, but I’m not sure it’s my life goal anymore. Like how you used to want to be a famous drummer!”
