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My shoulders bounced harder as sobs came. I covered my face. Onyx pulled me against her and squeezed.
“Shhh, it’s okay.”
“No. It’s not okay. I had to have it dissolved. Otherwise, my tube would have ruptured.”
“Well, you couldn’t help that, sis–”
“I had an abortion, Onyx. I had to have an abortion but I could’ve died, or lost that tube altogether at the very least!” I shouted as I finally looked at her.
She wrapped both arms around me and pulled me close, rocking me as I shook and wailed onto her shoulder. She squeezed me tight for several minutes, without saying a word. She just held me.
“I’m snotting all over your shirt,” I mumbled on her shoulder.
She rubbed her hands over my back, still holding me tightly. “Well, you can do my laundry to make it up to me.”
An awkward laugh escaped through the crying.
She pulled away and her hands were back at my shoulders. “Jaz, it’s not like you had a choice. Have you really been holding onto this that long?”
Looking away again, I wiped my tears with my hand. “You’re the first person I’ve told. My roommate didn’t ask questions when I came back.”
“So, Mike doesn’t know?”
I whipped my head to her. “No!”
“Then why did you guys break up?”
I bit my lip, trying to get it to stop trembling. “I was a coward.”
“A coward? How does this make you a coward? That’s ridiculous.”
“I couldn’t tell him, Onyx. I tried, and I couldn’t.”
I stood, the sobbing finally subsiding, and I needed to move. Her face was crumpled. “I don’t get it. If he didn’t know, what happened?”
My hands went to my hips. I looked at the ceiling again. “I tried to tell him over the phone when it happened, but that week he was already in Cali, and he was busy with camp. When we did talk, it was brief, and he was so excited so I told myself I would wait.” I let out a deep sigh. “Every call, I made an excuse why I couldn’t tell him. It was Thanksgiving break before I knew it and he flew home for just a few days. I didn’t want to ruin the little time we had, so I planned to tell him before he left.”
I paused again. Shaking my head.
“It’s okay, sis. Keep talking,” Onyx said lightly.
Inhaling deeply, I continued, “Well, the night before he left, we were in his room, laying together. He was saying all the right things. He loved me. He missed me. But he kept talking about his new school, the scholarship, and he started talking about the future. He said after a couple of years, he’d have his degree and would come home so we could get married and start a family.”
“So why didn’t you tell him then?”
I threw my hands up. “I don’t know! I freaked out! He said he’d do anything for me, for us. Before I had time to process anything, I flipped out and told him we had to break it off, it was too hard.”
“Why? He would’ve understood–”
“Would he? I mean, looking back now, he probably would have. But let’s face it, men don’t understand anatomy and ectopic pregnancies and the difference betweenwantingto andhavingto.”
“He’s a nurse practitioner, Jaz.”
“He wasn’t then!” I waved a hand through the air. “And I was twenty years old. I felt like it was my fault. Plus, by then, I had already been lying for months.” Picking at the hem of my short-sleeved shirt, I went on. “Even if he understood, I was worried he’d wreck his scholarship.”
Her lips thinned. “You thought he’d stay to be with you instead of going back to school.” She stood to face me. “But you didn’t lie. You just didn’t tell him. You were a scared girl. Geezus, Jaz. I can’t believe you’ve carried this around all this time.” She grabbed my shoulders again. “You know it wasn’t your fault, right?”
“I’m a doctor.” I rolled my eyes.
