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When I left? “Was it–mine?”
She stiffened. “I can’t believe you’d ask me that.”
“Well shit, Jaz! This is coming out of nowhere and you’re not being quick with the details.” I took a deep breath and sighed. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gotten loud, but seriously.” I leaned back and turned the lamp on, sitting up.
She stayed burrowed into a little ball on her side of the bed, holding onto the pillow for dear life. “I’m sorry. This is really hard. It was yours. You were the only one.”
“Okay.” I took another deep breath. My heart and my mind were racing. “Well, we didn’t have a child obviously, so what happened?”
“I was having some bad pains and got sick. I went to the hospital, and they ran some tests. It wasn’t viable.”
The bed shook as her body trembled. I scooted back up to her, my own tears quietly falling from my face onto her hair. I had to console her. I wrapped my arm around her and pulled her close again. “Were you alright?”
She nodded and answered as she continued to cry. “Eventually. They had to dissolve it. Otherwise, I could have lost my tube and possibly bleed out.”
“Jaz. Shit. Why didn’t youcallme? I would’ve come home for you.”
She sobbed for a minute, so I held her tight and let her get it out. My own tears stung my face, but I fought hard to keep my stomach and chest from giving it away to her. I didn’t want to make her feel worse, even though my heart was slowly breaking.
She finally took a few deep breaths and continued. “I–you had just left. I didn’t want you to get in trouble. And there was nothing you could do.”
“Jaz, that wasn’t for you to decide. You should’ve told me.”
She still had her back to me. “I tried so many times. I wanted to. But the longer I waited the harder it got. Then you came home for the holiday break, and I had sworn to myself I would tell you then, in person.” She sniffled and her shoulders shook hard for a few seconds, then she loosened again. “Then you kept talking about us. Being a family. Getting married. Having babies. Like you had it all worked out. I was scared if I told you then, you’d want to stay.”
I pulled away and sat up with my face in my hands. The sobs I fought to hold in as she told me the story finally broke out. My reality was crumbling.
I left her here. Alone. And she thought she had to go through this…alone.
I was crying so hard I hardly noticed her move on the bed until her warm hand was on my shoulder.
“Mike, I’m so sorry. I should have just told you. You’re right. But I was young and scared. I didn’t know the right thing to do. I didn’t want to be responsible for wrecking your future.”
“Butyouwere my future, Jaz!” I blurted out as tears flew off my lips. “You took that away. You made that choice.” I stood from the bed. “You didn’t know I’d quit the team. But you took that option away. I went there foryou. To make a better life foryou. To be someone foryou. And you kept this from me?” I patted my chest and paced around the room. I couldn’t look at her. “Not only did you keep this from me, but youleftme. I wondered all these years what I had done wrong. How I hurt you.”
“I know, I know! I fucked everything up,” she said, her voice cracking again.
“I tried to reach you. And you said nothing. Nothing!” I fell to my knees as my muscles went weak. “I just wanted to be the best man I could be for you, and you took away all those years. Inevergot over you. I was half a man. I stayed away so long because I was so afraid to come back and face you.” My face fell to my hands again. “I should have never left. This is all my fault.”
Jaz got off the bed and grabbed my wrists to pull my hands from my face. “Mike, this isn’t your fault. I’m sorry.Idid this.Iruined us. And I’m so sorry.” She sniffled then said through a ragged breath, “I wish I could go back and change it, but I can’t.”
“Why are you telling me now?” I finally looked up at her through tear-filled eyes.
Her lip trembled. “You and I both know there was this thing hanging over us. This elephant in the room. I wanted to ignore it; you said you would. But it was there. As hard as it is to tell you all this, I didn’t think we could ever move forward if I didn’t.”
Looking up to the ceiling, I took a deep breath. When I glanced back down at her, the last bit of my heart started to crumble at the sight of her. She was crouched before me, her head hung down, with tears streaming down her face. I leaned in and wrapped my arms around her. She dug her face into my chest and clutched my shoulders. We held each other as we cried. Minutes passed before our bodies stopped bouncing. When my tears ran dry, I lifted her from the floor and moved us to the bed.
She wiped her face but dug it back into my chest. I didn’t want to keep fighting. I just wanted to hold her, unsure of what tomorrow would bring.
Chapter 21
Jaz
Even though I had food, pills for my head, and a sports drink, I felt like shit. But not from the drinks. I knew it would be hard to tell him, and that he would have a strong reaction, but hoped to at least feel like a weight had been lifted or something. Instead, everything was heavier than before.
Maybe if he had shouted and thrown things or told me to get out, I would’ve felt better about it. Instead, he cried and held me until we both passed out. He’d raised his voice a few times, but rightfully so. Everything he said was valid and only made it worse. I had hurt him so badly before he even knew. Once the truth was out, it seemed so trivial as to why.
Why didn’t I just tell him?
