Page 104 of Falling into Place
“I went to Carly’s first.”
Sasha stiffened, and he laughed humorlessly.
“You don’t need to worry about that anymore, Sash. I’m pretty sure I fucked that up.”
“What?” she asked at the same time Macy said, “What do you mean?”
He propped his elbows on his knees and dropped his head into his hands. “I’m in love with her.”
Sasha gasped. “You’re what?”
“Yeah. I couldn’t believe it, either.”
They sat with that for a minute.
“Why is that a bad thing?” Macy asked gently.
“Because I don’t know how to do this. Because it terrifies me. I don’t know how to talk about things that are hard for me, and one of those things is the fact that I watched Dad waste away because of love and that’s why I never wanted any part of it. I’ve actively avoided it my entire adult life. I didn’t mean to fall for Carly, but now that I have, I can’t imagine letting her go. But it’s like there’s two halves of me, and it’s anyone’s guess which one will win on any given day. The guy that’s optimistic and thinks he can figure this out versus the one who knows better and who reminds me I’m nowhere near partner material. The second one’s the guy who showed up to Carly’s yesterday. The man that pulled me out of my self-destruction had died right in front of me, and I took that as an invitation to slide right back into it.”
He swallowed hard, staring blankly at the dark TV across from him.
Sasha squeezed his shoulder, and Macy moved from the chair to his other side, her palm on his back.
The attempts at comfort were futile at this point, but he appreciated their presence all the same. He was so damned lucky to have them.
“You’re not back in it,” Macy said. “High School Brooks wouldn’t even be having this conversation with us.”
He rolled that around in his mind for a moment.
That was true.
“You’re different now,” Sasha said from his other side. “You had a bad day because something terrible happened. You’re human. But look, you recognize it wasn’t the healthiest way to react and you’ll do better next time. What did you do to mess things up with Carly, anyway? Did you pick a fight with her?” Sasha asked.
“No.”
He felt Macy’s concentration on his face. “Did you upset her, somehow?”
“I don’t know. Probably.”
“What do you mean, you don’t know?”
“I haven’t talked to her.”
Sasha frowned. “Wait, so when you went to her place ...?”
He twisted the heel of his hand into his forehead. “Listen. I was in a bad place when I showed up there. I wouldn’t talk to her about what happened even though I know she wanted me to. She was wonderful and took care of me, and after she fell asleep I panicked and snuck out. She was obviously worried after she woke up and called me several times, but by that point I was drunk or passed out.”
Sasha gave him a disappointed look that was eerily similar to their late mother’s. “Well, yeah. You acted like an ass. But you’re not giving her enough credit. She’s not into drama and wants to get to the bottom of things. You made a mistake and need to grovel, but saying you fucked up the whole relationship—which is still super weird to think about, by the way—seems a little overdramatic. She’s a reasonable person and you just need to talk to her.”
He’d never groveled before, but not because he’d never messed up. Usually his mistakes negatively affected him more than anyone else. He’d never hurt someone he cared so much about to the point that he needed to make amends.
“I don’t know how.”
“Dammit, Brooks,” Sasha snapped.
He startled, and glanced over at Macy. Her eyes were wide, too.
“I’m so tired of hearing you sayI can’torI don’t know howwhen it comes to your own happiness. I know how you are at work, and I know you’d never give up like that on your patients. No matter how bad the situation is, you’ll keep working and keep digging and press on to find answers or anything that might help, even when the chance of success is next to nothing. Why is it you never afford yourself that kind of determination?”
