Page 106 of Falling into Place
“I’m sorry.” His voice cracked.
She was so raw that the anger from yesterday dissipated like smoke. She wished he was here. Why had he called instead of coming over?
“God, Carly, I’m sorry for how I treated you this weekend.” He sighed, and she could picture him at home, on his couch, or maybe at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee, raking a hand through his hair. “I was sort of in shock, I think, and went to a dark place inside my head. I used you to get out of it, and when that still didn’t work, I ran away. You deserve better than that, and I’m embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I hope you can forgive me.”
All she wanted in this moment was to fold herself into his body and feel his warm strength around her. “I accept your apology about the disappearing part only. I was fully engaged and on board for everything else.” She’d give anything for him to take her mind off the conversation with Mai this morning, which didn’t feel much different from what he’d done early Sunday morning and seemed to think he needed to apologize for. “Sometimes when you’re hurting, it helps to just get lost in someone you trust. I could easily do the same with you.”
She almost told him about getting fired right then and there, but she couldn’t make the words come. It almost didn’t feel real, yet. The news would make him feel even worse, too, because it was sort of because of him, and he didn’t need another weight stacked on his shoulders right now.
“But,” he started, “if our roles were reversed, you’d also talk to me about what had upset you when you were ready. Whether it was later that day, the next day, or a few days later. You’d trust me with the talking part, too.”
She frowned. “You won’t?” He was new at this, sure, but weren’t they getting there?
“I don’t know. I’ve never trusted anyone with those parts of me, really.” A door opened and closed in the background, as if he’d walked outside. “I gave bits and pieces to Coach once, and sometimes I’ve talked a little to my sisters. I’ve even opened up some to you. But there’s a hell of a lot more in here, buried deep and that I’ve never dealt with. Things I haven’t even let myself dwell on. I learned how to distract myself with things like school and work, which I thought was better than sex and alcohol. But I just traded one diversion for another, and I’m realizing maybe that hasn’t been the healthiest thing. Both for me and any relationship I might want to have.”
His voice was careful and hesitant, like he was leading up to something. Dread slowly settled in her stomach and spread, sending ice trickling through her veins.
“I ... God, I care about you so much, Carly. But I think I need some time to figure a few things out. I need to work on communication and how I handle stress. I need to work through what happened with my parents and the horrible things I see in the hospital, and to learn how deal with all of that in a different way. I don’t know what will happen when I dig into those dark moments, and I—I don’t know. I just don’t want to bring you down with me. I want to be able to be there for you and to shoulder your burdens when you need me, but I don’t know if I can do that when I’m already on my knees from the weight of mine.”
She blinked twice, then rubbed her eyes with one hand, her head starting to pound. Was this really happening right now? Literally hours after she’d lost her job for being with this man?
“Are you saying this is over?” she asked bluntly.
She thought she heard a sniffle, but couldn’t be sure. “I’m saying I have to make sure I’m worthy of you,” Brooks said slowly. “And I ... I think I need to get there on my own before we can be together.”
Well. There it was.
She almost laughed at the absurdity of it all. The irony of him saying he couldn’t be there for her on the exact day she needed him to. But he didn’t know she’d just lost her job, and even in her current state she recognized he was taking a big step admitting he needed help. It wasn’t his fault every part of her life was falling apart.
No job. No Brooks. Sasha still wasn’t speaking to her. Kendall was visiting her parents in Ohio, so Carly didn’t even have her to fall back on.
This was officially rock bottom.
Her eyes were glassy, but no tears spilled over. She dug her fingernails into her palm just shy of pain, released, then did it again.
“I don’t know what to say,” she finally said. “I wasn’t expecting this.” Any of it.
“I’m sorry.” He sounded as miserable as she felt. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
“You said that already.”
“I know,” he said. “That’s why I have to do this. I can’t keep doing things I have to apologize for.”
A few tears escaped and tracked down her cheek. “Are you sure this is what you want?”
“No.” She took a small measure of comfort in that. “But I’m sure I want to give us the best chance, and in order to do that I have to step back and fix some things. I just ... Something tells me things will get worse in here before they get better.”
She just sat there, lashes wet and eyes unfocused. There really wasn’t anything she could do, was there? If there was, she didn’t have the energy to recognize it.
“I don’t know how yet, but Carly, I will fix this,” he promised.
She shook her head, eyes closed, throat tight. “What happens if, by the time you think you’re ready, I’ve moved on?” She didn’t know ifsuch a thing was possible, but if he could walk away, surely she could find someone else, too. Someday.
He said nothing for a long moment. “If you were happy, I’d find a way to live with that,” he said, voice rough like he had razor blades in his throat.
If you were happy.She’d thought she was happy before Brooks, but the word took on a whole new meaning after him. He made her laugh and made her think, and when she was around him, she felt beautiful and adored. She’d never known uninhibited joy or what it felt like to trulycravesomeone. She’d been living at a six, perfectly content and satisfied, until Brooks showed her what life was like at a ten. Which was all well and good until he removed himself from the equation.
On the other hand, it was also very possible the choices she’d made because of her feelings for him had ruined her life. In more ways than one. So all things considered, maybe this was for the best.
