Page 109 of Falling into Place
Carly had thought of little else in the past few days. “In some ways I think Benjamin’s a better fit for me. We know each other so well, and we’re comfortable with each other. I know what he expects long term from a relationship and vice versa, and I know we could give that to each other. With him I know exactly what I’m in for.”
“Mmm,” her mom hummed in response. “That’s true. But that’s not what I asked.”
No, she’d asked if Carly was still in love with him, and that was a question she didn’t want to examine. “I know. Iknowthat, but isn’t all that stuff just as relevant? If you asked me that question about Brooks, I’d say yes, I’m still in love with him. Present tense and probably forever tense. But look what happened when I got involved with him. Everything went straight to hell. I lost my job, possibly my best friend, and got my heart broken.” She hadn’t realized she’d raised her voice until a few kids looked up from where they were drawing with chalk in their driveway. She waited until they’d passed that house, and said in a lower tone, “None of that would have ever happened if I’d just waited for Benjamin to get back like I’d planned. I never had to risk anything to be with him because he’s safe. That’s what I want, you know? It’s what I need in my life. It’s just like you and Lance.”
Her mom looked over at her. “What do you mean, like me and Lance?”
“He’s just like Benjamin. Solid, stable, and safe. I mean, that’s what you like about him, right?”
“No. Not at all,” her mom said, surprised. “Those aren’t bad things, obviously. But if I made a list of what I like most about him, none of those would be at the top of my list.”
Carly turned her entire torso toward her mom, brows raised. “Seriously?”
“Seriously. Whatever gave you that idea?”
“I ... I don’t know,” Carly admitted. “I guess I just thought those things would be high on your list, after, well ...” Yes, they’d come a long way when it came to talking about her mom’s past, but it still wasn’t easy to just come out and sayafter your grossly irresponsible behavior when I was growing up.
Her mom filled in the blanks. “It’s okay. I get it.” She said it matter-of-factly, without a trace of defensiveness. “You do have a point, because in most areas of my life now, I loathe taking chances. And based on what I put you through as a kid, I understand why you’re the same way. But if you want to know the truth, love is the one place where I feel the exact opposite. I mean, God, think about what a risk it is to give awoman like me a shot. Lance knows all about my past and what it took for me to get clean, and the things I still have to do to make sure I don’t fall back into those habits. He knows all of it, and that man still wants to be with me. He thinks I’m worth the risk, and for someone like me, that’s the most beautiful thing in the world. His ability to see the good in people, including me ... That’s the stuff at the top of my list.”
Carly was dumbfounded. “I had no idea you felt that way.” Or how way off the mark she’d been. “You’re absolutely worth it, Mom. Of course you are. And I’m so glad you found a man that sees that.”
Damn, if she was that wrong about her mom, what else was she wrong about?
“I am, too,” her mom said. “And even though I’ve thought about it a lot over the years, I’m no expert on love, so take what I’m about to say with a grain of salt.”
Carly nodded. “Okay.”
“I think love is a completely different type of risk. When I went to the casino, the only thing I cared about was what I could win. I didn’t care what I was losing in the process of chasing that reward, no matter how high the odds were stacked against me. But with love, it’s not as much about what you win if you hedge your bets just right—it’s about what you stand to lose if you don’t. Instead of thinking about what you could live with in order to simply get by and stick with the status quo, make sure you’re not trading that by letting go of something you can’t live without.”
They reached the tiny pond, where a group of ducks floated gently in the breeze. Carly stopped at the edge and folded her hands together behind her neck, letting her mom’s words marinate.
“If anyone knows a thing or two about regret, it’s me,” her mom continued, coming to a stop beside her. She slipped her hands into her pockets and gazed across the water. “So believe me when I say that’s the kind you’ll never forgive yourself for.”
Carly left her mom’s house with a lot more on her mind than she’d arrived with. She was overwhelmed with everything relationship related and opted to take a break from that part of her life and pivot to the other mess: her career.
She had to find a job. She’d spent enough time holed up in her apartment this week, so after swinging by to grab her laptop, she found a local coffee shop for a change of scenery. She ordered a latte and settled at a table in the back corner before pulling up a random job-search website.
She selected her location and typed in “accountant,” and in seconds the screen was full of open positions. Carly clicked on the first one—staff accountant at a local Realtor group—but quickly hit the back button when she noticed it was 100 percent in office. Next was Accountant II at one of the major credit unions in the state, but it was only part-time.
The process continued for the better part of an hour, and she couldn’t muster even a kernel of enthusiasm for a single one.
Senior tax accountant—seasonal.
Tax manager—not enough experience.
Full-charge bookkeeper—too much experience.
Credit analyst—too stressful.
Payroll clerk—she’d be bored to tears.
When her phone buzzed on the table, she reached for it immediately, so desperate for an interruption she didn’t even check who was calling before she answered.
“Carly?”
Her heart squeezed. “Sasha?” She hadn’t realized until this moment just how badly she’d missed her friend.
“Are you at home? I’m in the area and thought I’d stop by.”
