Page 114 of Falling into Place
“Small steps can be good.” A long beat of silence followed as he tried to gather the courage to get to the point. Long enough that she asked, “Is that all you came to tell me?”
“No. I mean, that was good and all—it was a relief, to be honest. To cry. I kept going even after the movie was over.” He’d cried about his parents, all the patients he’d lost, about the hurt in Carly’s voice when he’d told her it was over. “I came because I’ve been thinking a lot aboutsomething else. About the last time we talked and how I said I thought I needed to do this all on my own. I think that was fucking stupid.”
Her eyes widened a little, and the tiniest hint of a smile quirked at the corner of her mouth. “Oh, really?”
He ran his palms down his thighs. “Yeah. I went to Coach’s funeral a couple of days ago, and it was ... enlightening.”
Her brows came together and her hand came forward as if to touch him, but she seemed to think better of it and dropped it back to her lap. “Oh. I’m so sorry. You didn’t go by yourself, did you?”
“Macy went with me.”
“I’m glad you weren’t alone.”
She would have gone if he’d asked her, and he would have liked to have her sitting beside him. But it just didn’t seem fair to seek her out for comfort after everything that had happened.
“It wasn’t really even a funeral. It was a celebration of life, and the place was packed. Coach touched so many people’s lives, and it was like every single one of them showed up. And not just to honor him, but to remember him and share those memories with everyone else. It was like ... I don’t know ... like a group of people supporting his family and working through the loss together in this really beautiful way. Everyone there had a connection—they knew and loved Coach and were changed by his presence in their lives. And they had the stories to prove it.”
Carly smiled. “That sounds like it was really something.”
“It was.” He dropped his gaze to the floor. “And I started thinking that if I died tomorrow, my funeral would be the exact opposite.”
“What do you mean? Tons of people care about you.”
“A few people care about me,” he corrected. “Not a lot, because I haven’t kept in touch with people over the years. And for those I have, I still don’t let them too close. It sort of hit me at the funeral that if I keep holding people at arm’s length, no one will really know me. I’m not sure that’s such a bad thing, because I’m not sure there’s anything in here worth getting to know ... But maybe I should let them be the judge, you know? I don’t want to be the one standing in the way if someonewants to try, or if someone decides I’m worth it. Why sabotage my own chance at being able to love and to be loved?”
She smiled then, but it was a small, hesitant one. “Yeah, just sit all the way down, will you?”
That smile set off a chain reaction in his body—amazement, then joy, and dangerously, more hope. “I love you, Carly,” he said, voice cracking. He slowly reached for her hand, prepared for her to pull away, but she didn’t. “I’ve been miserable being away from you. I meant what I said before, that I have some work to do. A lot, probably. But I was wrong about something, too. Really wrong.”
She kept her gaze locked on his as she threaded their fingers together. “Which part?”
“I was wrong when I said I had to do it alone. I’ve been alone for so long, and I don’t want to live that way anymore. If you’re willing to stay with me and give this a shot, that’s what I want. It’s all I’ve wanted since the day I saw you at Coffee Slingers. I wanted it every time I went out with a woman who wasn’t you, and I wanted it every time I took care of my garden because I wanted to make you proud as much as I wanted to succeed. I wanted it every time you teased me about my favorite jeans and when you put your hands on me, pretending to smooth out my clothes when we both knew you just wanted to touch me.”
“I wasn’t—”
“Yes, you were.”
She bit her lip, pink blooming in her cheeks.
“The first time we slept together shook me to my core. I’ve never had so much fun and felt so much in the same moment. You made me happy again, Carly. You’re sassy and you bring me joy and you make me want to be a better man. I’ve always been terrified of falling in love because I saw the dark side of it, you know? You know what happened to my dad after my mom died. It really fucked with me. But at Coach’s funeral, I saw the complete opposite and watched his wife smile as she remembered the beautiful life they’d shared. I realized that’s what Iwant. I’d rather make memories than never experience them in the first place. And I want to make them with you.”
His chest expanded with each word he spoke, and how right they felt. Eyes closed, he took a few breaths to collect himself. “But I also know your ex is back, and unless he’s an idiot, he wants to be with you, too. And if you want to be with him, I’ll accept that. God knows he’s probably less of a mess than I am. But I’m a selfish bastard, and if there’s any chance at all you love me and want to be with me too, I had to come tell you how much I want you. Can you forgive me, and give me another chance to be worthy of you?”
Chapter Thirty-One
Carly
The anniversary date you styled me for was absolute perfection. Oliver constantly tells me what a prize I am, but this was one of the first nights in forever I actually felt that way, too. I know my worth comes from many places—the least of which is how I look on the outside—but it sure helps with the positive self-talk I’ve been working on when I actually believe it. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
—Note from Jacque, client, to Carly Porter at Mode Style
Carly’s heart twisted at the unguarded fear in Brooks’s eyes. She scooted closer to him, as close as she could without climbing into his lap. It was strange, how he’d become just as familiar to her as Benjamin in just a few short months. In many ways, she felt closer to Brooks than she ever had with Benjamin. She’d let Brooks see far deeper parts of her and shown him a vulnerable side she usually held close.
She tugged his hand into her lap, covering it with both her palms. “I’ve hardly thought about anything else since Benjamin showed up last week. You and me, me and him. The pros, the cons. The history, the complications, and what makes the most sense for me and my life right now. And no matter which angle I was considering, or how hard I tried to justify going one direction or another, it kept coming down to one thing.”
His hazel eyes tracked back and forth between hers, searching her face as if trying to read her mind. The grip on her hand tightened almost imperceptibly, like he wasn’t even aware of his body’s reaction.
“And that thing is how much I love you.”
