Page 10 of All the Ways You Save Me
“Of course Adam Nathanson.”What other Adam would there be?I want to ask, but I hold back. We all have different ways of processing things. Maybe Jason’s brain is more linear, and he’s in the first stages of denial. Whereas I saw that video, sailed right past denial, and have landed on… Well, I have no idea where I landed or how I’m feeling. I was hoping that talking to him would help me sort that out. I drove to his house right from the school.
Jason’s leaving tomorrow evening for a business trip to Mexico and was in his bedroom packing when I got here. Whenhe came downstairs, he thought I was here to spend the night before he leaves for a week. So, I guess I can understand why his face fell when I bustled into the kitchen babbling about my ex-boyfriend who died a decade ago.
“Look, I know it sounds nuts, but…” I turn to grab a glass from the cabinet and then move to the sink to fill it. I’m not thirsty, but I need something to do with my hands. “It really looked like Adam. It hit me the minute he walked into the frame.”
“Maddie,” Jason says gently. He steps up behind me and puts his hands on my shoulders, turning me to face him. “It’s been ten years. We were seventeen. How do you even remember what Adam looked like enough to know this guy in the video resembles him?”
How could I forget?Adam was the love of my life, and I memorized every line and expression on his face. But I can’t say that to Jason. He’s my fiancé and the man I lovenow.
“I don’t know,” I flounder. “I just… felt it…” I trail off.
Jason leans in to look me in the eye. “I know this is a painful subject for you, and you struggle with the fact that you never really got closure about what happened to Adam… But…”
I watch his mouth twist. Pity again. I know he must want closure, too. Adam was Jason’s best friend in high school, though the two of them came from completely opposite lives. Jason grew up in an upper-class home with both parents present, while Adam lived in a trailer park with his alcoholic father. They met on the baseball team in elementary school and became fast friends. When Adam’s dad died their junior year, Jason convinced his parents to let Adam move into their basement. They were inseparable.
I steal another glance at Jason’s face. Maybe their long history explains some of his denial now. Jason harbors so much guilt over the circumstances of the night that Adam died, and hehates talking about anything that reminds him that he couldn’t save Adam from that dark, freezing river.
He gestures at my phone on the counter. “Show me the video.”
“I can’t. It’s gone.”
His eyebrows shoot up. “What do you mean it’sgone? Like the guy took it down?”
I shake my head. “No. Brooklyn said the video was live. So, it was broadcasting while it was happening. It’s a”—I wave my hand—“social media thing. Like to make the content more immediate. But it’s not recorded, so you can’t re-watch it.”
“So, you watched a live video of a guy running into the water to save some kids. Was it shaky? How close did the video get to this surfer? How clear was his face?”
I look past Jason at the art print on the wall, avoiding his eyes. “I mean… it was a little shaky. And it didn’t get super close to the surfer, at least not until the end when he walked past the camera.” I know it sounds crazy.I know.But I just can’t help this feeling…
“Maybe this is just your mind playing tricks on you.” He says it gently, but I feel my spine stiffen anyway. “I know you want Adam to be alive. Don’t get me wrong. Webothdo. But, Maddie… there is no way Adam survived the crash. The water was thirty degrees, and he didn’t know how to swim.”
I exhale a shaky breath. “I know.” Growing up, Adam never had the opportunity to learn. His mom was sick for a lot of his childhood, and then when she died, his dad was pretty out of it, drinking bottles of cheap vodka every night. Nobody was signing him up for swim lessons or driving him to a pool in the summers. But he often talked about learning. He knew how much I loved the beach and longed to live near one someday. He even looked into taking swim lessons. But they didn’t start until summer, and Adam never made it to summer.
“The rescue workers said there was very little chance even astrong swimmer could have gotten out of that car in the middle of the river, fought the current, and made it to shore.”
I nod. Jason is just repeating everything I already know. But maybe I need to hear it again.
He leans closer. “Iama strong swimmer, and I nearly died out there.”
My eyes burn. I went in that water, too, and I’ll never forget how the cold was so intense my skin ignited like it was on fire. And then I lost all sensation in my limbs, and dragging myself to land felt like slogging through fresh cement.
“Imagine Adam had made it to the riverbank,” Jason says, and my heart crumples like tissue paper. I can’t tell him that I’ve imagined that every day of my life and dreamed about it at night. Jason knows how I felt about Adam. I’ve never been dishonest about that. When our friendship began to grow into more, I worried that Jason would feel like Adam was always in the periphery. But Jason was so patient and understanding, assuring me that I have the capacity to love more than one person with my whole heart. Still, I can’t help but feel how painful it must be for him to see the tears in my eyes and hear the hope in my voice.
“If he survived the crashandthe freezing water,” Jason continues, “where has he been for the last decade? Is he wandering around with amnesia thinking he’s a lifeguard?”
I open my mouth and then close it because what can I say to that? I had the exact same thought less than an hour ago. If Adam had made it out of the river, he’d be here right now. And even my imagination isn’t wild enough to believe he’s been living somewhere else with his memory wiped clean for an entire decade. “I know,” I finally say. “You’re right. The video was shaky, and the guy was pretty far away. I’m sure I just imagined that he looks like Adam.”
Jason gives me a smile and leans in to press a kiss to my forehead. “Let’s talk about something more cheerful. Now that yourbreak is starting, we can think about dates and venues, right?” Though we got engaged six months ago, the school year was too hectic to start planning the wedding. “And packing,” he adds. “Let me know what I can do to help.” The lease on my apartment is up in August, and the plan is for me to move into Jason’s house.
A current begins to hum in my chest. Jason wraps his arms around me, and I press my head against his heart, waiting for the familiar comfort he brings. This is a fresh chapter, the start of something new and wonderful for me and Jason. After everything we’ve been through together, we deserve that. But my limbs feel restless, and I’m struggling to stand still.
“I’ll miss you while I’m gone,” Jason murmurs in my ear.
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. He’ll be on his work trip to Mexico for the next week. I haven’t finished packing my classroom yet, and I love my students, but this was a hard year. I’m just feeling overwhelmed by my to-do list. But by the time Jason gets home, I’ll have had a few days to read by the pool, and I’ll be ready to tackle moving and wedding planning.
But despite giving myself this silent pep talk, my anxiety won’t quite release its stranglehold on my shoulders. The image of a tall, blue-eyed surfer jogs through my mind. And even though I told Jason otherwise less than a minute ago, I can’t shake the feeling he’s Adam.
SEVEN
