Page 18 of All the Ways You Save Me
I hesitate at the edge in his voice. Over the past few years, Jason has become increasingly reluctant to talk about Adam, changing the subject when his name comes up. Well, except during arguments when Jason will tell me he knows he’ll never be as perfect as my first love.
I understand how difficult it’s been for Jason to know that another man will always hold a part of my heart. I want to reach over and assure him that even if Adam showed up on my doorstep tomorrow, I’d pickhim. But I can still remember the slope of the surfer’s nose and the intensity of his sky-blue eyes. I can still feel the way my pulse picked up speed when Tyler told me he took the video on Sandy Harbor.
I don’t know what’s true anymore.
“And… did the social media guy tell you your dead boyfriend is really alive?”
I blink. “Of course not. He didn’t have any information about the surfer. But?—”
“But what?”
“He did tell me what beach he was on.”
Jason gets up and paces across the room to his desk. “So justas I’m leaving the country, you’re going to chase a guy on a shaky video who maybe looks like Adam? How am I supposed to feel about that?”
I don’t know how he’s supposed to feel. I don’t know howI’msupposed to feel. Nothing prepares you for a situation like this. The loss of a love is supposed to be messy and confusing, a rollercoaster of heartbreak and healing and grief. But eventually, you’re supposed to be allowed to move on. You’re supposed to be able to think about the person you loved and smile through your tears, and then eventually the tears slow, and someone new makes you smile. The grief is supposed to ease its grip on you, not grab you tighter just as you’re trying to be free.
I get up off the couch to face Jason. “The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But I’ve never kept it a secret that not knowing what happened to Adam kills me. If there’s someone out there who looks exactly like him, who couldbehim, how could I not find out for sure?”
Jason spins on his heel to face me. “Why do I feel like this is just one more way for you to put off getting over Adam and moving on with me? Just as we’re talking about our wedding and moving in together, this ‘video’ surfaces.” He makes those air quotes again, and it takes me a minute to realize that he’s suggesting that the video isn’t even real.
“Do you think it’s all in my head? That I invented this video of a guy who looks like Adam to get out of marrying you?”
“Did you?”
“Of course not.”
He gives a humorless laugh. “Excuse me if I don’t believe you. You dragged your feet for years, and it was always because of Adam.I’m not over him. I don’t have closure.” He draws out the words, waving his hands as if he’s onstage, overacting the part of a woman in distress.
My mouth drops open at the unfairness of his mockery. “I was alwayshonestwith you.”
His jaw clenches and an angry flush creeps up his neck. “You were always honest, except for the part where you said you wanted to marry me.”
“Idowant to marry you.”
He crosses his arms over his chest. “If that’s true, then you won’t go on this ridiculous quest to find Adam.”
I stare at him. “Adam was your best friend, and I know you loved him as much as I did. If there’s even a chance that he’s alive, that he’s out there somewhere…”
Jason drops his arms to his sides. “Maddie, I’m not asking.”
My spine stiffens. “What does that mean?”
“It means that if you go chasing this guy…” He flinches as if the words physically pain him. “Our engagement is off.”
I freeze. “You’re not serious.” My heart crashes against my sternum. Is he really giving me an ultimatum? And if so… how am I supposed to make this impossible choice?
“I’m dead serious.” His voice trembles as his eyes begin to well. “Maddie, don’t throw away everything we have over this.” He rushes across the room and takes me by the shoulders. “Please.”
I look up at the man who has been a constant for the last decade of my life. Jason wasn’t only there for me when Adam died but for every important moment after. But that’s all the more reason that he should understand why Ineedto do this. Why it’s not so much a choice as it’s inevitable. “I’m not throwing anything away. None of this means we can’t be together.” I press a hand to his chest. “Jason, I need to know what happened to Adam, and if this brings me closer to doing that, how can you ask me not to?”
Jason’s grip tightens, his fingers digging into my flesh. “How can you choose Adam over me?”
I wrench away from him. This isn’t about Jason versus Adam. It never was. “I’m not choosing Adam over you. I’m choosing to find out the truth.”
“Adam is dead. Why can’t you just accept that?”
I take in the pain in his hazel eyes. In this moment, the space between us is an abyss. I want to cross over to where he’s standing. I want to tell him he’s right; this is all in my head, and I’m ready to let this go. But I can’t make my feet move or my mouth form the words. So instead I say, “Because I’ll never be able to give myself to you fully if this is between us.” They’re the most honest words I’ve ever uttered about Adam’s disappearance. Somehow, I’d convinced myself I could move on, that I could do what Jason wanted me to do and let it go. But as I stand here feeling like my heart is breaking and filling with hope at the same time, it’s clear that I was fooling everyone.
