Page 19 of All the Ways You Save Me
Most of all myself.
“I’m sorry.” My voice breaks.
Jason turns away, swiping at a tear on his cheek. “I guess you made your choice. I’ll take an Uber to the airport. You can get your stuff from my house when I’m gone.” He swings back around to face me. “When you find Adam’s ghost, tell him I saidfuck you.”
His words knock the breath from my lungs. I slide my engagement ring off my finger and set it on his desk. As I leave Jason’s office, I’m grateful not to run into Layla or Waylon in the hall because I don’t know how I’d explain the tears streaming down my cheeks. Though I’m shocked by Jason’s words, I can’t be angry. I’m not the only one who lost someone they loved when Adam died. Once, when Jason and I were cuddled under the covers late at night, he told me that sometimes he misses Adam with an ache so heavy he can barely breathe, but then he looks at me and knows that I’m the silver lining. Wherever Adam is, he’s happy that we have each other.
And now I’ve gone and blown it all up to chase a man who died a decade ago.
ELEVEN
TEN YEARS AGO
Madeline
I press the buzzer outside Jason’s house, and the heavy wooden door almost immediately swings open. I look up to find Adam smiling at me. “Hi.”
I feel a matching grin spread across my face. “Hi.”
When Adam dropped me off after our date yesterday, he kissed me on my doorstep and asked me to come over tonight to hang out with him and Jason. I said yes immediately, and last night, I texted Josie that I thought I might have met someone special. She texted back a series of heart and kissing emojis, and I went to sleep with a smile on my face.
But on the drive over here, the nerves kicked in. If I want to be with Adam, it’s important that his best friend likes me, too. Especially a friend as important to Adam as Jason. This will be the first time we all hang out together, aside from lunch. But at lunch, there are always a million conversations going on at once with cheerleaders and guys from the swim team stopping by to talk to Jason. This is the first time it will be just the threeof us during a time that Adam and Jason usually hang out. Will Jason resent me for being in the way?
“You look beautiful,” Adam says, his gaze sweeping from my face over the outfit it took me an hour to pick out.
“Thanks.” I smooth the wrinkles from my knee-length sundress, glad I chose it over four different T-shirts.
He’s wearing his usual jeans and a vintage Nirvana T-shirt with a rip on the sleeve that shows off an appealing hint of tanned shoulder. I notice some black staining around his fingernails, and I wonder if that’s from a hobby or after-school job. He didn’t mention it on our date yesterday, but we had so many other things to talk about. I flush, remembering our kisses in the back of the Bronco. For a while we didn’t do much talking.
A voice from somewhere behind Adam drags me back to the present moment. “Can you please stop mooning at Madeline from the doorway and let her inside?” It’s Jason, standing in the hallway with his arms crossed over his chest.
For the second time today, I worry that he’s unhappy I’m here. Adam said that on Sunday nights, he and Jason usually play video games, which means I’m crashing the party. I’m sure Jason doesn’t like being a third wheel in his own home. But when I slip past Adam into the house, Jason gives me a grin.
“This is for you.” I reach out to hand him a book.
“What’s that?” Adam leans over to look at the title.
Jason slides the book around his back. “It’s a secret between me and Madeline.”
“Stop it.” I laugh, reaching over to give him a shove in the arm. I kept forgetting to bringThe Poisonwood Bibleto school last week, but I remembered on the way out the door tonight. “It’s one of my favorite books by Barbara Kingsolver,” I say to Adam. “Have you ever read it?”
He shakes his head. “But if you love it, maybe I’ll take a look.”
Jason tosses the book on the entry table and starts down the hall. “Come on, let’s go play pool.”
“Do you like to read?” I ask Adam as I pull off my shoes and move them out of the doorway.
“I used to with my mom.” His cheeks turn pink, and he rubs the back of his neck. “But to be honest, I don’t read much aside from class assignments. I’m not sure I’d even know where to start.”
“Maybe I could recommend some once I get to know what you like.” It’s my turn for my face to heat up because I realize how much I want to get to know what he likes. I want to get to know everything about him. “That’s how I got into reading. I had an English teacher on Sandy Harbor who kept giving me books, and now I’m obsessed.”
“Is that mostly what you like to read? Those big literary books?” He eyesThe Poisonwood Bible. “To be honest, I might need to start with something a little easier. Have you got anything with pictures?” He’s joking, but I can tell it’s partially a defense to hide his discomfort.
“I do actually. I love graphic novels.”
“Really?” He raises an eyebrow. “Like comic books?”
“Sort of, but they’re full novels, some with really gripping storylines, mostly told through drawings and dialogue. They’re a really great way to read.”
