Page 55 of All the Ways You Save Me
“It’s fine. To be honest, I thought I’d leave but then…”
“What?” I lean in.
Madeline sighs. “I don’t know. I was offered a job, and I ended up dating a guy, and then… years went by.”
“Jason?” I say, trying to keep my voice light.
“Yeah. Jason.”
A thousand questions about Jason swirl in my head. When did they go from friends to more? Is their relationship truly over if she’s going back to Maple Ridge in the fall? I need her to go back to Maple Ridge, and I have no right to be in their way. I should be rooting for Jason to win Madeline back.I hope you know how much I love you and miss you. I’d do anything for you.I have no right to be walking with my arm around Madeline, thinking of kissing her.
“How did you meet him?” I stare out at the water, but I can feel her gaze on me.
“He was my high school boyfriend’s best friend. I guess it’s pretty cliché, but he was there for me after…” She trails off.
“After Adamdied.” My chest aches.
She nods.
And then because I’m a glutton for punishment, I say, “Tell me about Adam.”
She looks past me, out at the ocean, but I get the feeling she’s not really seeing the moonlight reflected in the water. She’s watching the memories of Adam play out in her head. “Have you ever met someone who you just immediately connected with? Who you felt like you knew your whole life, even though it had only been a few days?”
Yes.“I’m not sure.”
“Well, I hope you do someday because that’s how I felt with Adam. Like I could tell him anything and he wouldn’t judge. Like he loved me with his whole heart. Like it didn’t matter that I’d had to leave my hometown and move to small-town Pennsylvania because anywhere I was with him, I was home.” Her voice breaks at the end.
Damn.I take a shaky breath. She just articulated everything I lost all those years ago. But while my heart was breaking, I never fully considered Madeline’s heart. Icouldn’tthink about it, or I would have turned around and gone back, so I kept moving forward.
But now I see how much it hurt her when I left. And it’s clear from the sorrow in her eyes that losing Adam is still breaking her heart. I desperately want to fix it for her, to take her pain away. To whisper in her ear that she can still tell me anything and I won’t judge, and I’ve always loved her with my whole heart, and she was always my home.
But I can’t. I know I can’t. It would break her, in the end.
“Wouldn’t Adam have wanted you to move on and be happy?” If I’m really honest, maybe part of the reason I didn’t run the minute I saw her standing on the beach, maybe the reason I’m standing here right now, is because this is finally my chance to know if she’s okay. If she’s happy. If all of my sacrificeswere worth it.
“I don’t know how he would have felt about me and Jason.” She shifts her weight, peeking up at me. “But it doesn’t matter because that’s over.”
Guilt seizes me again. The sorrow in her voice when she talks about Adam is so heavy. I destroyed her life when I left, and Jason was there to pick up the pieces. I should be eternally grateful he was there for her, not blowing up their lives again.
She glances at me. “Our breakup wasn’t about Adam, not really,” she says, almost as if she can read my mind.
“So, what was it about?” I ask gently.
“It was about me. Seeing that video of…” She waves a hand as if searching for the right words. “Someone who looked like Adam, it was just the catalyst for me to do what I should have done a long time ago. And I’ve realized… though I love Jason, I’m not in love with him. But he was safe, comfortable at a time when I really needed that.”
“And now?”
“And now, I don’t think I want safe and comfortable anymore. I’m ready to let go of Adam, but I want to hold on to the kind of wild love we shared. I know it’s out there for me, and I’ll find it someday.”
We arrive at her house and step onto the porch. Her copper locks shimmer in the lamplight, and I ache to tangle my hands in them. She tilts her head up, and I’m overwhelmed by the emotion I see in her eyes. I shove down the urge to say that the kind of wild love she longs for is right here in front of her.
Instead, I press my lips to hers because I can’t seem to help myself. And then I take a step back and tell her goodnight because the danger is still out there, and I sacrificed everything to keep her safe. I can’t throw it all away now.
THIRTY-ONE
PRESENT DAY
Madeline
