Page 59 of All the Ways You Save Me
There’s no denying that he resembles Adam, but all I have to rely on are my fading memories from a decade ago and a single photograph. Maybe when I saw that video of Garrett saving those kids, I wanted to believe it was Adam. Maybe I wanted an excuse to come here and change my life.
And now that I have, I don’t regret it. Adam was the catalyst, but Garrett is real, and he’s right next to me, and maybe it was all meant to be because I’m finally ready to let Adam go. I shiver, and as if sensing the movement, Garrett slips out of his hoodie and wraps it around my shoulders.
I snuggle into it, breathing in the scent of sawdust now mingled with woodsmoke. He rests his arm on a knee, and the ropey lines of his biceps pull the black-eyed Susan and Queen Anne’s lace taut. I’ve watched him tug off his T-shirt in the workshop, seen the strong strokes of his arms push him through the water, but I’ve never had such an unobstructed view of the delicate lines sketched across his skin. The firelight dances over the highlights and shadows. Under the flower which I suspected is mountain laurel, the area appears to be raised, textured. Before I can look closer, he gets up to throw another log on the fire, and I feel my phone buzz in my pocket. I’ve been expecting a text from Josie. She flew into Newark this evening and is heading south in a rental car. But when I open my phone, I find a message from Jason.
I’m back from Mexico and I can’t stop thinking about you. Can I come over to your place?
I stare at the text. Jason thinks I’m back home in Maple Ridge. I didn’t tell him I’m staying on Sandy Harbor for the summer. I guess Josie was right when she said Jason was going to question where I am.
We broke up, and I know I don’t need to tell him anything. But my life was intertwined with his for a decade, and I can’t help but feel like I owe him some explanation. I send a reply.
I’m not home. I decided to stay at the beach for a while. Josie is coming so we can have some time together.
I’m not sure what I’m expecting him to say. Maybe that we’ll talk when I get back. It would be nice if he told me to have fun with my sister and gave me the space I asked for. But what he says instead has my heart pounding.
I’m going to drive up this weekend. I want to see you.
I can’t have Jason coming here. Not while Garrett is living next door and walking me home from work and making me fall for him during lazy afternoons on the beach. I know I owe Jason a conversation, but it can’t be on Sandy Harbor with my past, present, and future colliding.
Now isn’t a good time. I really just need some space. And Josie and I are going to have some much-needed time together. Can we talk next week?
“Everything okay?” Garrett’s voice cuts in as he drops back down on the sand.
“Just checking on Josie. She’s picking me up here.” At that moment, a text comes in from my sister letting me know that she’s parking on 76thStreet. I can’t think about Jason right now. All I can do is hope that he respects my wishes.
It’s been months since I’ve seen Josie, and when I spot her cresting the dune, I run barefoot across the sand. She throws her arms around me, and I squeeze right back. Unexpected tears spring to my eyes. I didn’t realize how much I needed my big sister until she was standing in front of me. So much has happened, and I want to spill it all. Josie understands how Adam’s death broke me. I know she wasn’t thrilled about me coming here, but I also know she’ll listen and support me.
I take her hand and tug her down the path toward the beach. “I’m so glad you’re here.”
She looks me over. “How are you? Really?”
“I’m okay.”
“I can’t believe we’re on Sandy Harbor. And where is the Adam look-alike?”
“He’s down at the bonfire. Do you want to meet him before we go back to the house?”
She peers into the semi-darkness. “Which one is he?” Josie only met Adam once, when she came home from college at Christmas. By her next trip home for spring break, he was dead. Her eyes scan the crowd and then widen. But she’s not looking at Garrett; her gaze is locked on the opposite side of the bonfire, where Ian is crossing the sand carrying an armful of logs. Am I imagining it, or does she slide a little further in the shadows of the lifeguard chair?
“Maybe I could meet him tomorrow? I’m really tired from my flight.”
Of course she’s tired, she flew all the way from San Francisco and then drove down from Newark. “Sure. There’s plenty of time to meet him.” I wave to Garrett to let him know we’re heading back to the cottage.
“So, what’s going on with that guy?” Josie asks fifteenminutes later from her position curled up on the end of the couch. “Garrett, right?”
“We’ve gotten to be friends.” But then I remember pressing up against his wet, slick chest in the water. I pick up a throw pillow and clutch it to my stomach. “Maybe more than friends. I don’t know.”
Her eyes go wide. “Oh, Madeline. I know you wanted to get to know him to find out if he’s Adam, but…” She squints at me. “But are you falling for him?”
“I don’t know.” Except I’m pretty sure I do.
She presses a hand to my forearm. “I know Garrett looks like Adam, and your feelings are all mixed up in that.”
I shake my head. “They were, but they’re not anymore. I’ve spent a lot of time with him, and I think you were right, doppelgängers are everywhere.” I share my thoughts from earlier about my memories of Adam fading and all the ways Garrett seems like his own person. “The more I get to know him, the less I think he could possibly be Adam.” I flash to a memory of Garrett in the firelight, his voice light with conversation and laughter, smile lines crinkling around his blue eyes. There’s something else at the edge of my consciousness, but I’m distracted by Josie’s heavy sigh.
“Do you think I’m crazy?” I ask.
Josie cocks her head. “I’ve always known you to be measured and rational. You’re usually not impulsive. But these are a lot of seismic shifts all at once… ending things with Jason, coming here, and now you’re getting involved with this Garrett.”
