Page 68 of All the Ways You Save Me
I stare at him. “Are you saying you faked your own death?”
“I knew that Anthony, the guy who was instructed totake care of me, was young and scared. It was obvious that he didn’t want to hurt me, but he also didn’t have a choice. So, I took the chance that if my car went over the cliff, he’d go back and tell the boss he’d killed me, just as instructed. The boss got to make an example of me, and to everyone else, it looked like an accident. I was lucky it was raining and cold that night.”
“You sure lucky is the right word?”
He gives me a sideways smile. “Maybe not lucky. But at that point, I took what I could get. I drove along the river until I found a spot with a bend in the road where there wasn’t any guardrail. I took the turn erratically, slamming the brakes to leave tire tracks on the road.”
I’m shaking my head, imagining him planning this out.
“And then I got out of the car, opened the door, put it in neutral pointing downhill, and pushed it over the side.”
I close my eyes, remembering that moment from my perspective. “We were there. Jason and I. We left the party to look for you, and we were maybe a quarter of a mile or so down the river road when we saw the car go over.”
His eyes darken. “Shit, Madeline, I had no idea.”
“We just missed you.” When we left the party that night, Jason had run back to say something to Liza Blum. What if he hadn’t? What if we’d left thirty seconds sooner? Would we have been there in time to stop Adam? My heart twists painfully. If I spend too much time replaying that night and all the ways it could have gone differently, now that I know the truth, I might start crying and never stop. I shove thewhat ifsaside and force myself to focus. “Where did you go after the car went in the river?”
“I climbed down the cliff and headed upstream along the bank. I knew everyone would be looking downstream.”
I probably went back to that spot a hundred times that spring to look for signs of Adam. The bank of the river is rocky and narrow. He would have been in the cold, driving rain, hugging the cliff, in danger of slipping and falling with every step.
“When I was far enough upstream, I climbed back up the cliff and headed to my old trailer in the woods. I hid out there for a few weeks until I figured the search was over, and the story died down.”
Nausea rolls over me as I imagine him huddled in that musty, leaking old trailer, fearing for his life, knowing he’d left everything and everyone behind forever. He must have been terrified and felt so alone. I should have been there.Or he shouldn’t have had to.
“When I figured it was safe to come out, I hitched a ride to San Diego with a trucker with out-of-state plates. I spent a year there, but I didn’t want to stay in one place for too long, so I moved on to New York. And you know the rest.”
I stare at him, unbelieving that he made this kind of sacrifice for Jason. With that thought, I sit up straighter.Did Jason know all along that Adam is alive?Did he see me in my anguish, sit by while I grieved… for years… all the while knowing Adam was really out there? “Did Jason know you were planning to fake your death? Did heletyou go forward with this?”
A vein in my head pounds. I remember our fight in his office. He wasso sureAdam was dead. He practically forbade me to come and look for him. Is this why? Because he knew I might actually find him?
“No.” Garrett leans closer. “Nobody knew, Madeline. I made the decision on my own. As far as Jason knows, I was in the process of trying to figure out what to do when I died in a car accident that day.” He pauses for a moment. “Or…”
I stare at him. “Or he believes those guys murdered you.”
He nods slowly. “It’s possible. I told him I’d take care of it. And then the next day…”
He did.
I’m so angry with Jason that I could tamper with his brakes and shove his car over a cliff. But my heart breaks for him, too. He couldn’t have known that Adam would make a sacrifice like this until it was too late. He was just a dumb kid who made a terrible, stupid mistake. Suddenly, all the times he didn’t want to talk about Adam, all the ways he got defensive when I wanted to rehash the accident over and over make sense. He was wrestling with the most terrible guilt, believing that Adam had died to protect him.
“Jason was so distraught. He jumped in the river to try and save you, diving in over and over. The rescue workers had to drag him out before he froze to death.”
Garrett’s face twists in anguish, and he rubs the back of his neck as if my words physically pain him. “I never really thought about how this would affect Jason. I was just focused on moving forward, making sure you both were safe. I’m so sorry I put you both through that.”
The memory of that terrible day surrounds me like the frigid river water I dove in to try to save him. I clamber to my feet. “You should have told me. You should haveincludedme in the decision to walk out of my life forever.” My chest rises and falls. “Both you and Jason should have told me everything from the very beginning. Starting with the decision you made to take a job that would put you in danger in the first place.”
Garrett lunges to his feet and in two seconds he’s crossed the room and is standing in front of me. “You’re right. I shouldn’t have kept secrets from you. I’m so sorry.”
I expected him to argue, to try to explain his reasoning, and when he doesn’t, I feel my anger deflate. I know he was a dumb kid, too. One who loved me with his whole heart and who didn’tfully believe he was worthy of me. I wish I could go back and tell him that I didn’t care about his job, or his money, and I wish I could tell him that hewasworthy. He was the best man I’d ever met, and nothing about that has changed in the past decade.
“When everything went wrong, at least then, you should have told me. We could have figured something out together.” Would I have gone with Adam had I known my other option was to lose him forever? I loved him enough back then that I might have done it.
And now? Do I still feel the same way? And what am I willing to sacrifice? My gaze skates across him. “I don’t even know what to call you now. Adam or Garrett?” I drop back down onto the couch.
“I’m Garrett now. In some ways, Adam really did die in that accident. I’m not the same person as I was back then.”
“Is that legally your name? Did you somehow buy an identity? How does that work?”
