Page 36 of A Light in the Darkness
Except, I don’t feel free.
I feel tethered, stuck. And I don’t know what I am stuck to.
No, that’s a lie. Idoknow what I am stuck to.
It’s him.
Remy.
I fucking hate that I still think about him so much, that I think a part of me will always be owned by him. Maybe that’s just what first love is like. Maybe you give your heart to someone, and you get back half of it, and you learn to live with what’s left. If that’s the case, it’s better not to fall in love. And it’s definitely better not to do it often.
Rhea slings an arm around me the minute I step through the back door, pulling me with her to the kitchen. Lucy takes up at my other side, boxing me in.
“What’s going on?” I demand, still salty from my dick-ish bodyguard reminding me that all men are the same.
“Don’t fight it.” Lucy advises, giggling as they lead me around the corner.
“Surprise!”
A chorus of the word smacks me in the face as nearly two dozen people jump up from where they’ve been hiding behind the massive kitchen island. A banner above it says “happy birthday”.
“Happy birthday, Claire!” Rhea yells out above everyone else, letting go of me to take two of the shot glasses lined up on the counter. She presses one into my hand and takes the other herself.
They threw me a surprise party. In the house we’ve all already been staying in.
I blink, watching her face, which is amused. “Oh, come on.” She argues. “You’re twenty-onefinally. We had to do something to celebrate!”
I never did much for birthdays before meeting her, and it still feels weird to take the day to celebrate myself. She’s always made a big deal about birthdays, but usually I can talk her into something mild for myself… a fancy dinner, a day at the zoo. Ieven dragged her to a theme park for my nineteenth and rode a roller coaster for the first time.
But a surprise party feels ridiculous, especially given that we’ve been partying the whole time we’ve been here.
I guess there’s no getting out of it now. Austin wraps me in a half hug. “Happy birthday!”
“Thanks.” I say hesitantly. I haven’t been avoiding him, but I also haven’t made it a point to be in the same room with him for long. Fortunately, Eli takes his place, edging him out to give me a hug, too.
“Twenty-one.” He grins. “That’s exciting.”
“Is it?” I raise an eyebrow, appraising his assessment. I’ve been drinking for years without care. I drank so much last summer, I was sober most of the school year. Even now, it isn’t doing anything significant. I’d used it as a coping mechanism before, but I’m not about to use it to cope with my boredom. I’m drinking because I’m here, because it’s what’s expected, not because it feels like a birthright I’ve finally inherited.
“You can finally throw away that fake I.D. Skipper made for you our sophomore year.” Rhea laughs.
Hearing his name, Skipper looks up at me. “You still have that thing?”
“Of course she does.” Rhea laughs. “She just turned twenty-one today! She’s needed it all this time.”
“That was one of the first fakes I made.” Skipper chuckles, combing his hand through his mop of brown curls. “I’m honored that you helped me find my calling in digital design.”
“Glad I could help.” I tell him, laughing and setting the shot glass, still full, on the counter. “Excuse me.”
I take advantage of Rhea’s distractedness to slip out of the room, feeling crowded out by these strangers who just want to celebrate with me. It feels wrong to be so uninterested, so unable to accepttheir care.
I don’t want to go back outside, so I slip up to the room I’ve been sharing with Rhea and dig into my suitcase ‘til I find what I’m looking for. I flop onto the bed with the burner phone in hand and power it on, drawing the pillow against my chest.
I haven’t figured out how I’m going to shake Moose if and when my anonymous benefactor tells me where Wes is, but that doesn’t stop me from praying that he finally came through.
I wonder idly if anyone downstairs has enough sleeping pills to drug a two-hundred-pound Moose. If I just get a good head start, I can get far enough away that they won’t be able to find me until I want them to.
When the phone powers on, it flashes with the icon of one new message, and my heart skips a beat.
