Page 11 of Down Memory Lane
After staring for what felt like an eternity, Autumn finally found her voice. “Who are you?” she asked the stranger who stood before her. There was something about him that seemed familiar, but she couldn’t grasp it. Perhaps she merelywantedhim to be familiar so she could feel normal. Though to be fair, she had no idea what her normal was anymore.
The man stepped toward her hesitantly, an air of hopelessness hanging about him that seemed incongruent with his features. His shoulders slumped forward and his mouth turned down at the corners, but that was a stark contrast to the sharp nose, square chin, and large frame that projected strength as well as the blue-green eyes, crinkled slightly at the corner, that exuded nothing but kindness and affection toward her. It was as though he was feeling the same tumult of emotions she was, and while she didn’t wish her current state on anyone, the thought brought her a little comfort.At least I’m not alone.
The man weaved a large hand through his long, wheat colored hair as he took a seat next to her. “Hi, Autumn.” He smiled, but it was shaky, looking as if it could slip off his face at any moment. “I’m Felix.”
He glanced at the doctor who was studying the interaction between the two of them, his eyes filled with uncertainty. Doctor Finley seemed like a kind woman and she had explained all of Autumn’s injuries to her as plainly as possible, but Autumn still didn’t quite understand what was going on, only that she knew next to nothing about who she was.
Doctor Finley smiled at the man Autumn now knew as Felix. “You can keep going, but it’s best to not overwhelm her with too much information. Just stick to the basics.”
She turned and smiled at Autumn reassuringly, though it did little to squelch the feeling of panic that pinged around in her chest. Her mind was an empty bottle she wanted filled as quickly as possible if only to displace the loneliness she was feeling. She wanted a lifeline, but even though she knew little else, Autumn realized that damaging her brain further was a bad idea. Apparently, she was going to have to live with the slow and steady approach.
Felix turned back to her, his expression determined. “I’m your best friend and roommate.” His expression turned slightly hopeful as she let what he’d just told her sink in.
Autumn stared at him as she waited for that information to register. She imagined a little brain cell dressed as a business intern running down to a storage cabinet and pulling out a file, only to find that it was empty. No images or anecdotes from their shared past, no information to help her know what to feel, simply another blank page she would be relying on someone else to fill.
She stared at him a moment longer, scrutinizing his demeanor as she tried to determine whether or not she could trust him. The logical side of her was absent, but every fiber in her body leaning toward his made her feel as though the answer to her unspoken question wasyes.Despite the heavy mood hanging over the room like a dark cloud and his own defeated posture, there was still a lightness about the man that lessened her panic. It was barely there, but when the world was a great unknown and your life felt equally uncertain, every little bit felt significant.
Autumn tried for a smile, but wasn’t sure she quite pulled it off. “Hi, Felix.”
At the sound of her voice, his eyes sparkled, yet his face remained slightly haunted. Once again, she was hit with that sense of aching familiarity that had come over her before. His eyes were beautiful, and as they peered over at her, there was a longing there she felt all the way down to her bones. It was the same feeling she had about needing to know more about herself. She wanted so badly to remember who this man was and what they were to one another so that she could say anything to wipe that pitying look off his face, but her memory was still as absent as it had been before he entered the room.
The longer they stared, the more the loneliness written all over his face pierced her soul. Is this how it would always be? A hollowness never to be filled, her heart empty of all she’d loved before? Autumn felt her lip wobble before the first tear fell, and soon she burst into a sob, burying her face in her hands to hide from the shame and disappointment she felt.
“I’m sorry,” she cried, her voice trembling.
Strong arms wrapped around her, and as frightening as it was to be surrounded by virtual strangers, to know nothing about the world you’d woken up in, something about the intimate way Felix held her felt right enough that she sunk into his chest and let him attempt to soothe her worries, her body relaxing even as she sobbed against him. Autumn’s mind may not remember him, but clearly her body recognized the man. While she may still feel like she was being tossed around in a sea of uncertainty, Autumn felt safe in the knowledge that someone was there to hold her through it.
Felix cradled her head gently as Autumn cried into his shoulder, the front of his shirt becoming soaked with her tears. “It’s okay, Auts,” he crooned at her. Rubbing her back, he continued to make shushing noises as her body slowly stopped shaking from the emotional release. “We’ll figure this out. I promise.”
Autumn knew a sum total of zero about the man whose arms encircled her and whether or not his words would ever come true, but hearing the conviction in his voice helped to end her crying jag. She sniffled as she pulled back, brushing the wet spot she’d created on his shirt. “Sorry I cried on you.”
Felix smiled at her. It was slightly less precarious than before, and it helped soothe her frayed nerves and weary body ever so slightly. “No worries. It’s not the first time it’s happened, and it probably won’t be the last,” he said affably. His eyes lit up again, giving her hope that her life wasn’t a complete, unmitigated disaster, but only just. Glancing down at his arms that were still around her, he balked and moved back into the seat next to her bed. “Sorry.”
Autumn didn’t tell him that it was okay if he stayed there, that his arms around her had her feeling secure and protected for the first time since she’d woken up in the stark white box that was her hospital room. The nurse had referred to Felix as her emergency contact, so clearly she trusted him with her life, and he’d said that he was her best friend, but she didn’t really know that. Her body seemed to relax around him, but she wasn’t certain she felt confident that was enough at the moment. It seemed as if she was just going to have to trust herself, her past self that is, and hope that because she’d counted on Felix before, she could let herself do it again.
Ignoring her still somewhat troubled thoughts, Autumn merely nodded at Felix before turning back to the doctor. “What happens now?”
The woman spoke to the two of them about hospital procedures, discharge timelines, and best practices to help her memory return. Autumn tried to listen intently, but she kept getting distracted when she would see Felix reach for her hand with his, only to draw it back looking downtrodden. She was happy that he was respecting her boundaries, but for some reason it also made her feel guilty. None of what had happened to her had been in her control, and she’d felt so alone when she’d regained consciousness after her surgery, but something about seeing Felix curl into himself like that gutted her nearly as much as hearing the details of her accident and subsequent injuries had.
Reaching out slowly, Autumn patted the back of his hand, the hair near his wrist soft and springy against her dry fingertips. The simple touch seemed to help his mood, but when he flipped his hand over to hold hers, she withdrew it, not ready to accept his touch again just yet. He nodded with understanding and looked back to the doctor, but the look of disappointment in his eyes was unmistakable. Felix was either ridiculously easy to read, or she knew him better than she could identify.
The doctor finished her spiel, Autumn already forgetting most of it and started toward the door. “Can I stay with her?” Felix asked, his voice steady. His eyes flicked to Autumn and his brow furrowed. “I mean, if it’s okay with you, I’d like to stay. At the very least until your parents can get here.”
The mention of her parents had Autumn sending that imaginary intern back down to her brain’s cellar to find their faces. She recalled more with them than she did with Felix, but it was still fuzzy, the knowledge more about their personality traits than it was their appearance. Autumn recalled them being happy people, but that might have been wishful thinking. They really only existed mostly as amorphous blobs with yellowish hair to her. When they arrived, she hoped she would get more from them than that.
Looking at Felix, she nodded slowly, careful not to damage her already addled brain. “Maybe if you’re here it will help jog my memory more.” At the very least, her hospital stay would be much less scary with someone there with her who wasn’t paid to be.
Autumn’s agreement seemed to calm him slightly. “Thank you,” he told her, sounding sincere. He smiled and rose from his chair, looking slightly taller now that his shoulders were no longer slumped in defeat. “I’m going to just pop out and tell my family what’s going on.”
“Okay,” she told him.
Autumn had no idea who Felix’s family was, but the fact that he’d brought them to see her as well made her feel comforted. She may not remember any of them, but it seemed she had a good amount of people out there to support her. Laying back, she stared at the ceiling tiles, hoping that her memory returned soon, wondering what her life would look like until that happened.
****
Four days later, Autumnstill had no more recollection of her past than she did that first night in the hospital, but what she did have were new moments to replace what was currently lost. Her parents had called her and expressed their gratitude that she was alive, worry over her memory, and disappointment that they hadn’t been able to get a flight right away and were making the journey via car. Autumn had felt a little twinge of disappointment as well, but it was easily extinguished by the presence of Felix.
Watching him fold his long, lanky body onto the fold out sofa in order to stay overnight with her had been entertaining, and while she felt a bit sorry that he was likely very uncomfortable, she was too selfish to tell him to join his family in the hotel across the street. Autumn liked having someone there with her, and if the looks of affection Felix shot her way every now and then were any indication, he didn’t mind the discomfort all that much.
