Page 15 of Down Memory Lane
What little appetite he’d had evaporated quicker than the words he’d just uttered and his stomach twisted itself into a pretzel of worry. Thoughts of what else she might like weren’t what caused the feeling of terror to spread out from his insides out or his fingers to tremble slightly with dread, but musings of what she mightnotlike anymore. Would Autumn no longer care for him, not just as a friend, but as a potential romantic partner as well?
The thought made Felix sick to his stomach. As much as he wanted to stay and be there to support Autumn, he had to flee before he confessed his feelings all over again, begged her to remember what they were to each other, and potentially made everything between them much, much worse. That was a mistake he wouldn’t allow himself to make, and in his current mental state, doing something stupid was a distinct possibility.
Standing, Felix smiled apologetically as he took his plate to the sink. “I actually need to head out to go speak with Lottie. Will you be okay on your own here for a little while?”
Autumn looked confused by his sudden departure, but she also looked slightly relieved. Seeing happiness at his having to leave gutted him again, sending another piece of shrapnel that was his shattered heart digging deeper into his chest. Felix grabbed his things before his open book face read aloud the fear that was building up within him, ready to bubble over at any second.
Nodding, Autumn pushed some of the macaroni around on her plate. “Yeah. I’ll just watch television or read or something.”
“Great,” he mumbled. Handing her the phone his parents had procured for her, he leaned down to kiss her forehead only to remember that they didn’t do that anymore. Or did they? He didn’t know and that alone had him screaming internally with agony. Patting her shoulder awkwardly, he stepped back and pointed to the phone. “Call me or my parents if you need anything. I’ll see you later, okay?”
“Sure.” Autumn waved goodbye, but he barely saw it since he was too busy running down the stairs to his car, wanting to be anywhere else than with the person he loved.
****
Walking into Branchand Brew was like stepping into another world, a world where Felix had control, and at that moment he needed to feel that he had command of at least one thing in his life. Everything with Autumn was such a jumbled mess, and he felt unsure about every step he took, like a baby bird wanting to leave the nest but afraid he would fall to the ground and break. At any moment, Felix felt like he could scatter into a million pieces and wasn’t sure how he would manage to put himself back together again.
Other than his family, Autumn had been the biggest constant in his life and now that constant was anything but. Not only was she different, buttheywere different, and having such a foundational part of his life crumbling had him feeling so off kilter he nearly tripped on his way inside his business. Autumn’s parents were coming the next day, and he was hoping that would help take some of the pressure off of him. Guilt and shame flooded his system at his selfish thoughts as he approached the bar where Lottie was slinging beers and laughing with customers.
The moment she raised her eyes and saw him, Lottie winked at the group of men and women she was entertaining and stepped out to speak with him. Grabbing his elbow, she steered him toward the alcove near the back hallway. Keeping her eyes half on the bar and half on him, a frown pulled at her mouth as she shot him a pointed look.
“What are you doing here, Felix? I told you I had everything covered.”
Felix nodded. “I know, I know.” He raked his hand through his hair, rubbing his fingers to try and get rid of some of the grease. Hospital shampoo left a lot to be desired. “I just needed a breather.” His voice broke on that last word and before he could stop himself, tears were falling down his face for the umpteenth time that week.
“Oh my God,” Lottie exclaimed. Tossing her tea towel to Bruce, the part-timer Felix had hired years ago to fill in on weekends, Lottie ushered him back into the office and shut the door.
Her arms wrapped around him and pulled him into a hug as she made soft shushing noises that reminded Felix of his mom. The comfort she was providing was nice, but it only caused him to cry harder. Finally able to shed some of the burden he’d been shouldering for days, he let the tears run like a wild river as he let go of the emotions he’d been holding at bay. Fear, grief, anger, and heartbreak spilled out of his chest and onto the shoulder of Lottie’s navy sailor dress, the blue looking distinctly more black when he had finally pulled himself together enough to stop crying.
“Sorry.” His voice was hoarse from crying and he wiped at his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt. “I might have ruined your dress.”
Lottie speared him with a look that he recognized from his older brothers, the one that saidyou’re annoying, but I love you anyway. “Like I care, Felix.”
She pushed him to sit in the rolling chair that sat behind his desk. It protested with a squeak under his weight, but he ignored it as he looked around the small back room where he did paperwork. The brown walls looked the same, the corkboard where Felix pinned drink ideas and other important information was exactly where it used to be, and the beat-up couch that he’d napped on more often than he would care to admit sat against the wall just as it always had. Nothing had changed in the office, and yeteverythinghad changed within himself. At least, that’s what it felt like in the moment.
“What’s going on? You gave me a few details over the phone, but you look like you’ve been raked over the coals both emotionally and physically.” She flicked at a lock of his limp hair and tutted. “I hate to break this to you, buddy, but the wet look is not for you.”
Felix snorted lightly, thankful for the levity even if it was after a dig at his appearance. “I wouldn’t mind looking like shit if I didn’t feel like such a big pile of it at the same time.” He sniffed and looked up at Lottie who was waiting patiently for an explanation. “You remember how I said Autumn was having memory issues.”
Lottie nodded. “Yeah, but I figured that would have cleared up by now. It was just a few details of the accident, right?”
“Not exactly.” Felix shook his head gravely, wishing he was delivering better news. He’d kept most of what was going on to himself, both out of wanting to respect Autumn’s privacy and because he’d hoped her memory would have returned by now. “She doesn’t remember anything, Lottie.” Her eyes widened and he could see her mind spinning with about a thousand questions, but he held up a hand. Lottie pinched her lips together, as if that would ever dispel her curiosity. The look was almost comical and Felix would laugh if he didn’t also feel another crying jag coming on. “She remembers her name and a few other things, but other than that, nothing. She doesn’t remember me, this town, her life before the accident. Nothing.”
Felix swallowed the lump in his throat and blinked back more tears. Lottie’s brow furrowed as she collapsed onto the couch. “So she has no idea that the two of you were about to..?” At Felix’s head shake, she placed her hand over his. “I’m so sorry, Felix.”
“Yeah,” he croaked. “I just needed to get out of there. I keep looking at her and hoping that she’ll remember me, but she hasn’t. And she likes hot sauce now, and salad dressing. What if....what if...” Felix trailed off, unable to even voice allowed his biggest fear.
Lottie squeezed his hand. “What if she never remembers you? What if you lose her forever?”
Pain sliced through Felix’s chest as he absorbed her words, trying desperately to bat them away as if it would prevent those things from ever happening. “Yes.” His voice was barely above a whisper as a fresh round of tears fell.
“Oh, Felix.” Lottie sat on the edge of his desk and took both of his hands in hers. Her touch was comforting, but it wasn’t the one he had been longing for the last few days. “I’m sorry this is happening to you both, and I wish I could promise you that Autumn will wake up tomorrow and remember everything, but I think you know that’s unlikely.” Felix nodded and wiped his eyes with his shoulder. “But you can’t avoid her. That will only make things worse.”
His lungs shuddered on a slow exhale as he willed himself to breathe and listen. “I know.”
Felix knew that he had to face this head on, but other than the occasional bickering, they’d never had a real fight before. This wasn’t a fight, but the point remained that their friendship had basically been untested. It had survived the distance of college, girlfriends who had been jealous of his relationship with her, and boyfriends he never thought were good enough, but nothing as big as what they were facing now. How did they come back from this?
“I just don’t know what to do.” Felix swallowed another sob, determined not to flood his office with more tears.
