Page 25 of Down Memory Lane
Chapter Twelve
Autumn
The sliding barn door that led into her pottery studio shouldn’t have looked intimidating, but the longer Autumn stared at the flaking red paint or the occasional swirl of wood grain that was barely visible underneath it, the scarier that door seemed to become. It stood there, looking more like a gatekeeper to part of her past self than a simple door, but then again, nothing about Autumn’s life had been simple lately. Getting back to “normal” wasn’t easy, but it was time for her to take the next logical step, getting back to work.
The day Felix had shown her the website for the stoneware she had created in the past, he had also paused any future sales. Instead of being greeted by a picture of Autumn happily working at her pottery wheel, visitors to Clay and Crockery were now greeted by a generic note about medical circumstances and the shop being temporarily closed. There had been an outpouring of support in her email, but Autumn had been too emotional about the whole thing to respond to them. Felix did it for her, thanking past customers for their well-wishes while assuring them that she would get better, something that seemed less and less likely the more time passed.
It had now been two months since her accident, and with each passing day that her memories didn’t return, Autumn felt certain that they never would. Sure, there were flashes of the past every now and then, veiled images that passed through her mind like sauce through a sieve, but only the smallest pieces remained as the bulk of it filtered out entirely. Trying to take comfort in what remained, Autumn embraced those small pieces as wholeheartedly as she could.
The biggest piece had been the blue stuffed bunny, who slept with her at night as her most faithful companion. Her parents had informed her that it was a gift for her fifth birthday and was named Bun-Bun. While she hadn’t remembered that, the small animal continued to comfort her with its presence and familiar scent.
The people in her life were also ones Autumn tried to hold near and dear to her. It was slow going at times, especially when frustration and concern at her lack of progress was evident on their faces. Her parents weren’t open books like Felix, whose moods were easily read and categorized, but when they spoke of a shared past she did not recall, the sadness at her not remembering eventually became painfully obvious. Autumn had almost asked the pair to return to Phoenix on more than one occasion to spare herself the constant guilt she felt at disappointing them, but how could she do that? Most of the time their presence was comforting enough, so she tried to center her attention on that. It was difficult to do, but she continued to try both for them and for herself.
Unlike her parents, Felix had been far easier to accept at face value. The concern he showed was less about the physical state of her brain or return of her memories and more about how Autumn was dealing with everything emotionally. The sadness that plagued him at her lack of memory seemed to fade into the background, and she was glad of it. Autumn couldn’t proclaim to know him as well as she might have in the past, but after spending nearly eight straight weeks with the man, she knew that Felix was the type of person who should only ever be happy.
With his easygoing nature and infectious smile, Felix’s presence added levity to any situation, and it was quickly becoming something she was addicted to. He still took her to some of their old haunts. The movie theater where they would watch blockbusters and indie films alike was a constant source of entertainment, or sometimes they would hit the bakery, buy a chocolate chip muffin that was nearly the size of her head, and take turns eating it while they sat on a park bench, Felix telling her stories from their youth as she watching his eyes lighten with each memory spoken.
They even attended a few of the Zumba classes he had told her about. It had taken Autumn a while to get the moves right as she seemed naturally less coordinated than he did, but the struggle had been worth it if only to watch Felix clap his hands and stomp his feet to music, his face red and sweaty from exertion, with nothing but the most blissful grin on his face. It was clear that he didn’t give a single thought to whether he looked ridiculous to anyone, rather he simply threw himself completely into the class, only pausing to make sure Autumn was okay to keep going. That unabashed confidence in himself paired with his care for her was incredibly sexy, and Autumn nearly tripped over her feet each session because she’d gotten so caught up in watching him. There were a lot of things in her life she was still uncertain about, but Felix was not one of them.
“You don’t have to do this, you know. It can wait.” Autumn turned to the man who currently occupied more space in her mind and in her heart than was probably wise, especially for someone like her who was still navigating life with a metaphorical hole in their head, but she couldn’t help it. Felix nodded at the closed barn door. “I have more than enough to cover our utilities, and even if I didn’t, you know my parents will let us stay in the apartment until we’re ninety if we had to.”
Autumn smiled at the idea of the two of them, their faces wrinkled and hands covered in age spots, sitting at the top of the stairs to their place as they bickered over how she still loaded the dishwasher like a drugged raccoon. Felix had tried to show her theproperway to do it, which was of course merely code forhisway, but it seemed the one thing that was ingrained in her was putting dishes away all willy-nilly. She turned to Felix, liking the short hair on him more than she thought she would. It meant his face was less hidden, and a face as beautiful as his should only ever be fully visible to everyone. It should be immortalized in a painting, but unfortunately, she was a potter, not a painter. Or at least she had been.
With a sigh, Autumn shook her head and walked toward the door. “No, it can’t.” After one last fortifying breath, she reached for the door. “I have to do this.”
Sliding the heavy wood to the side, Autumn stepped into the room filled with so much light she almost looked for a hidden sun. Golden rays filtered in through large glass windows, slicing through any darkness that dared to remain. Walls were lined with white bookcases filled with pottery in various stages of completion and in the middle of the room sat a pottery wheel and small stool. Autumn approached it carefully, knowing that any loud noise wouldn’t spook the wheel, but might scare her into running back outside where she wouldn’t have to face the possibility that she could no longer do something she had supposedly loved.
Felix followed closely behind, his steps just as cautious as hers had been. “What are you thinking, Auts?”
Ignoring his question for a moment, Autumn brushed her fingers along the turntable, feeling remnants of clay that she must have not cleaned up entirely the last time she was there. The digits on her hand twitched, something that had happened quite often over the last two months. It was something she had tried to dismiss as residual brain trauma manifesting itself physically, but deep down she knew what it really was.
Autumn’s body was literally needing to put hand to clay, but she’d been too frightened to do it. Even now as she stared down at the place she’d likely spent a majority of her time over the last five years, her insides trembled with fear and grief. Fear of her inability to do it, and grief for a life she couldn’t remember. The potent combinations had her stomach souring, and she would have bolted from the spot if not for a warm hand on the small of her back.
“You’re okay. You’ve got this.” It wasn’t a question, but something to buoy her as she nearly drowned in her emotional turmoil. Autumn watched as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a long necklace. “And anytime you need a reminder, just look at this.”
Autumn leaned forward as he placed the gold chain around her neck. She lifted the small pendant up in her palm to get a closer look. It was a rectangle of porcelain with threads of gold running through it. Something about it seemed vaguely familiar to her, but she couldn’t put her finger on just what it was.
“This is beautiful.” Autumn ran her finger over the slightly raised lines of gold. “Does it mean something?”
Felix smiled softly at her. “It’s katsugi. It’s an art form where items that are broken are repaired with gold, making them whole again.” He shrugged like he hadn’t just given her something wonderful. “I’m not trying to imply that you’re broken or anything like that, but instead that despite what’s happened, you’ll heal and no matter what, you’re whole.”
Felix’s voice was a lifeline, a spot of light in the darkness that led her away from danger and back toward safety. Hearing the words spoken in his low voice that was filled with so much tenderness that it brought tears to her eyes gave Autumn the last push she needed to finally make an attempt. Breathing deeply, she turned to Felix, hoping he could see the gratitude in her eyes. If she tried to put it into words, she might break down and cry.
“Thank you for this, Fe. It’s beautiful.” After one last fortifying breath, she readied herself to face her fear. “Where do I start?”
Felix smiled reassuringly as he took her hand and led her over to a set of coat hooks where he helped Autumn into a canvas apron. It was well-worn and stained, and as he slipped it over her head and tied the back, it felt like she was slipping into an unfamiliar skin. Would she adjust to it, or would it remain foreign? Autumn’s heartbeat quickened as she followed Felix around the room as he gathered the rest of her supplies.
“Let’s start small,” he explained.
After unwrapping a square of clay, he placed it on a small table where he rolled and squished it before slicing it with a metal string and placing it near the wheel. After that, he left to fill a small bucket with water.
Her eyes never left him as he continued to ready everything for her. “I guess you know a lot about clay throwing,” she remarked. Autumn was thankful for his expertise or she would really feel lost in the dark.
Felix shot her a sly smile as he returned to her side. “Not really.” He rolled a second stool next to her and took a seat. “I’ve just watched you enough to know the basics.” When her eyes shot to his, they were already fixed on her face. The look in them was resolute, but his face and smile were soft. “Oh, almost forgot the most important part.” Felix removed a hair tie from his wrist and stood behind her, pulling her hair up and away from her face. “You always have your hair up when you do this so it doesn’t get into your face.”
As Felix tugged and twisted the strands of Autumn’s hair, his blunt fingernails scratched into her scalp and sent shivers of pleasure all throughout her body. Goosebumps erupted on her skin and her arm hair stuck up straight as the shivers continued. Autumn closed her eyes and enjoyed the surprisingly erotic touch, getting so turned on by it, by Felix, it wasn’t even funny.
All of the hugs and cuddles, even the simple touches they shared were driving her insane. Felix had quickly become someone Autumn could see herself spending the rest of her life with, but was that just because he was taking care of her, helping her through a difficult time in her life, or something else? It would be unfair to start a romantic relationship with him until she figured that out, something she needed to do soon before her body exploded from unreleased sexual tension.
