Page 8 of Playing For Keeps
“Joseph,” I cry when he thrusts in further. I’m breathing short, choppy breaths as he thrusts with slow, deep strokes. I want each stroke to last, I want to draw it out, I want it to never end. He combs my damp hair away from my forehead, then he leans forward to kiss it. The gesture makes my heart flutter.
I rock my hips forward, desperate to feel more of him. Joseph continues to release guttural moans and grunts. Then my body becomes tense as I feel my orgasm racing forward. My eyes threaten to roll back as Joseph continues to move inside me. Then my eyes flutter close as I come. My soft cries fill the room. Joseph comes with me. He stays immobile on top of me for a few moments before sliding off me and lying down next to me.
My entire body is spent. I feel at peace and I’m so happy. This is the happiest I’ve been in five years. And it’s all because of him. I don’t know how long I close my eyes but they open when I hear rustling in the room. I see Joseph gathering his clothes and putting them on. His behavior is confusing.
“What are you doing?” I ask and he walks toward me. He kisses me lightly on the cheek before grabbing my blanket and tucking me in. He even switches off the light, because he knows I can only sleep in the dark. Sometimes, it’s the little gestures that matter. They remind me of why I fell in love with him. Why I still love him.
I think he’s about to leave.
“Joseph?” I say.
“Yeah?”
“Don’t go,” I tell him softly. He’s still for a few seconds and then I watch him pull off his shirt. He comes to lie down beside me in the bed.
He pulls me into his arms and I smile. I really missed this. I missed him.
Just as I’m drifting off to sleep, I hear him whisper.
“We can’t fix this if you don’t talk to me, Lena.”
Then he kisses me on my forehead and the world fades to black.
I wake up before him the next day. The sun is shining through the windows and my smile is bright. He must feel my stare subconsciously because he stirs. He opens his eyes briefly before grinning.
“I don’t want to wake up. Last night could have easily been a dream,” he says. His voice is a little croaky.
“It wasn’t,” I refute. Joseph sits up. He probably hears the serious note in my voice.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
“When I first met you, you were this military badass. A captain in the Navy SEALs, really successful in your work. That was one of the reasons I fell for you. Your drive. You cared about your work and you cared about people too. You didn’t coddle me. You didn’t make me feel like a damsel in distress. I was a lot to handle and yet, you made me feel loved and special.”
He’s listening intently. His blue eyes focused on my face. I guess it’s time to let it all out.
“I knew how much you loved your job, Joseph. You always wanted to spend time with me but a part of me felt like your job came first. All those times you were away, I tried not to bother you. I didn’t want to put you in a position where you would have to pick so I never told you when anything was wrong with me. Throughout our five years of marriage, I tried to be this loving wife who was happy for you. Who loved that you enjoyed your job so much. You had a lot of pride in it and I was always happy to see that. But inside, I wished you would stay home more. I wished you would take more vacations. I just didn’t want to beg. I didn’t want to make you have to pick and as I said, I was afraid it wouldn’t be me.”
Joseph opens his mouth to interrupt but he stops when I shoot him a glare. I have to get everything off my chest right now.
“It got so bad that I couldn’t tell you when anything went wrong. Something terrible happened to me when you were away, Joseph. I’ll get to that later. But it wasn’t until after it happened that I started to realize we had a problem. I was fine with tossing aside my problems just so I wouldn’t bother you. We weren’t in a relationship where I felt like I was your one and only. You had your work and I had to be content with that. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Then you retired from the Navy and I thought, maybe, finally, I would have you all to myself. I was ecstatic until you told me that you were starting a company with Thomas and the others. A protection agency. Basically, you were going back into the same type of work, risking your life over a job that takes up a lot of hours. I was terrified of losing you. I thought you were finally done when you retired.”
“I think I just snapped. You know I’ve always been a little impulsive. I got it into my head that it would be better to end it. You didn’t seem to care about me. I thought suggesting a divorce would be a wake-up call for you but in the end, you let it happen. You didn’t hold on to me like I’d hoped. You let me go and you left me wondering, if you ever loved me,” I finish.
Joseph looks like he’s in pain. His forehead is pinched and he’s breathing heavily. I wait for him to speak.
“I was such an idiot,” he says with a sigh.
I don’t know why but I burst into laughter at his words. He smiles briefly but he still looks pained.
“I didn’t know I did all that. I swear I had no idea you felt all this but I guess that makes it worse right?” he asks and I nod slowly, sadly.
“Fuck, Lena. I want to be better for you. I’m sorry I put you through all that. I’m sorry I made you feel unimportant in my life. You mean so much to me. I love you so fucking much. I wish I knew how to show it more but it’s true. I’ll never forgive myself for how badly I screwed up those years ago but I’m asking for another chance here. A chance to make things right. A chance to do better.”
I take a deep breath and give him a genuine smile.
“I want us both to have a second chance,” I tell him before hugging his stomach. He clutches me tight, holding on to me like I’m the only solid thing in the world. He kisses my forehead before tilting my chin so I’m facing him.
