Page 44 of The Devil You Know
I dig around in my trunk for the snow brush and find it shoved under a bag of spare clothes for Leah. My snow brush is tiny. Cleaning all this snow off my car with this tiny brush would be like mixing cake batter with a toothpick. But it’s all I’ve got. I also may need to use it to shovel out my tires. At this rate, it will be spring by the time I get out of here.
“Need a hand?”
I look up and see Ryan Reilly standing behind me. No, not just Ryan Reilly. Ryan Reilly, holding ashovel.
“You have a shovel!” I gasp, like he’s brought me the Holy Grail.
“Of course I have a shovel,” he says, shaking his head. He’s wearing an army green hat that hides his blond hair, but I can still clearly see his blue eyes. “This is winter in Long Island. I’d have to be nuts not to carry around a shovel.”
He’s got a point.
“Your tires aren’t going to budge with all this snow,” he observes. “Let me dig them out.”
Before I can answer in the affirmative, Ryan digs into the fresh white snow with his large shovel. I start clearing away some of the snow from the windows while he continues to shovel. He’s very fast and he’s got almost all the snow cleared away from my tires before I can even get the right sided windows clean.
Ryan watches me with my snow brush for a minute. Finally, he says, “Give me that.”
“It’s okay.”
“No, really. It’s painful to watch you. Anyway, I’ve got longer arms.”
He’s right. The snow that would have taken me another ten minutes to get rid of is cleared away by Ryan in just a few arm sweeps. The top of my car still has a good six inches of snow on it, but at least the windows are clean.
Ryan hands me back my snow brush. “Words of wisdom: wear gloves next time you clean the snow off your car. I’ve seen enough cases of frostbite this winter.”
I look down at my fingers, which are raw and pink. “I think I forgot my gloves at home.”
“Here…” Ryan pulls off his own gloves. At first, I think he’s going to give them to me, but instead he takes my hands in his. They’re so much larger than my own and warm enough that I feel the blood rushing back into my fingers. We stand there for several minutes, Ryan’s hands cupping my own. I’d forgotten the feel of his strong hands against mine.
The first time Ryan ever held my hand, it had been a cold night. Not cold like this, but cold enough that he noticed me shivering. He teased me about it, then the next thing I knew, his hand was holding mine. And just like now, his hand was so warm and large in mine. And just like now, I wanted him. Even though I didn’twantto want him. If you know what I mean.
But now, unlike then, I am married.
I look up into his eyes, noticing the permanent lines where his skin only used to crease when he smiled. But other than that, his face looks the same as it did when I first met him all those years ago. It’s like we haven’t lost a day.
“I missed you, Jane,” he murmurs. “I never stopped thinking about you.”
It’s not like Ryan to say something like that. In all the time we were together, he avoided saying anything that might hint that what was between us was anything more than a casual affair. Ben was the opposite. When Ben and I were dating for only a month, we were splitting a vanilla milkshake at a diner and as I yanked the bright red cherry from the top, he blurted out, “I love you, Jane!” Then I watched his ears turn bright red as he quickly lowered his eyes and muttered, “I’m sorry. Too soon.” I had to say it back just so he wouldn’t feel so embarrassed.
But Ryan was more careful. There were times when I’d catch him looking at me in a way that I was sure he was going to tell me he loved me, but he never said it. Not even close. And if I ever got an inkling in my head to say it to him, he seemed to sense it and would do something to cool things down. He was so nervous about the possibility of ending up sick like his father—he didn’t want to get too close to anyone. But I believe that maybe he’s really been thinking about me all these years. After all, I always got those emails from him on my birthday. He never even missed one.
And now he’s safe. He knows that he’s probably been spared the diagnosis he’d been dreading most of his life. He can finally move on and start planning his future.
Is that why he came to the VA Hospital to work?
Was it forme?
No. It couldn’t be.
I break away from Ryan’s gaze. “I have to go pick up my daughter.”
He nods and releases my hands, which I shove into my pockets. I don’t say to him what I can’t stop thinking, which is that if he hadn’t been such a wuss and just got tested for that dominant gene, Leah could have beenhisdaughter.
Chapter 16
Ben and I are going to a party tonight.
It’s out in Ronkonkoma, where all the best parties are obviously held. It’s being given at Dr. Kirschstein’s house, and I was forced to agree to go at just shy of gunpoint. Dr. Kirschstein and his wife (who is also Dr. Kirschstein—this could get confusing) asked me to go last week and I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to get out of it. The only consolation is that Lisa and her husband are also coming, and since Ben is driving, I’m allowed to have a few drinks. Also, maybe I can get that miracle book on child-rearing, if it ever existed in the first place.
