Page 48 of The Devil You Know
“So while you’re stuck here,” he says, “I want to show you something.”
He takes me gently by the arm and I let him lead me through Dr. Kirschstein’s vast estate. We pass through another room, then through the kitchen, then he leads me through some alcove and finally through a door that leads to a glass-enclosed patio. There’s a red velvety sofa in the patio, and a view through the glass of what will be the Kirschsteins’ swimming pool in a few months, and then the surrounding woods. But most of all, we’re the only people here. After the throng of bodies and conversation in the rest of the house, the silence here is almost startling.
“We’re probably not supposed to be here,” Ryan says, “but to hell with it.”
“Easy for you to say,” I mumble. “He’s not your boss.”
Ryan stares through the glass of the patio, off into the black distance. “Remember in residency, when I used to take you to the roof of the hospital?”
I do remember that. I know why this patio makes him think of that—it’s so peaceful and quiet. It’s a perfect place to be alone. I used to go up to the roof of thehospital all the time when I was sad or thoughtful or just overwhelmed.
“I remember,” I murmur. “I used to go up there all the time.”
“I know.” He smiles, almost sadly. “Sometimes I’d see you up there alone and I’d leave before you saw me.”
“How come?”
He shrugs. “I figured if you came up there alone, you wanted to be alone.”
Ryan looks at me now with an unreadable expression on his face. I can’t help but think of all those moments during residency when we’d be together, staring into each other’s eyes, and I was absolutely certain what he felt for me went beyond just a casual fling. That he really loved me. God knows, I loved him.
“Did you ever consider getting tested?” I ask suddenly.
He lowers his blue eyes. “Jane…”
“I know you had this whole philosophy about how you couldn’t deal with a positive result,” I say. “That it would ruin your life to know…”
“Exactly,” he interrupts me. “I explained it to you a million times. If I found out it was positive, that I was going to end up like my dad, I don’t think I could have dealt with it. My brother completely fell apart.”
“So basically, you lived your life like you were going to get sick,” I point out.
He shakes his head. “No. I didn’t. I’ve had a good life.”
“But didn’t you ever consider taking the risk?” The volume of my voice has risen several notches. “Didn’t you ever think about maybe getting yourself tested so that you and I could… so that…”
A lump rises in my throat. When I was dating Ryan, I always wished he’d change his mind. I wanted it more than anything. In my heart, Iknewhe’d be negative. I could tell he was healthy. He clearly didn’t have some crazy neurodegenerative disease—I’d know if he did. But he never evenconsideredgetting tested. Because I wasn’t worth the risk to him.
“Well, what’s the difference?” he says quietly. “Things worked out well for you, didn’t they?”
I look away from him. There was a time when I would have said yes, that things did work out just as they were meant to. I married a wonderful man who could express his love for me in a way that Ryan never could. Then that man started complaining about everything, never helped with chores, and hardly ever told me he loved me anymore. And then he abandoned me at a party in Ronkonkoma with a handsome surgeon who offered me a ride home.
And I said yes.
Chapter 17
Ryan hasn’t managed to snag a much better parking spot than Ben did. The walk to his car seems interminable and it’s only gotten colder over the last two hours that I was at the party. Ryan has one of those Thinsulate coats that is a lot warmer than it looks, as well as a hat and scarf. I’m the only idiot who didn’t dress for the weather.
“You want my scarf, don’t you?” Ryan says.
“N-no,” I say. It’s hard to keep my teeth from chattering.
He rolls his eyes and unravels his scarf from his neck. I expect him to hand it to me, but instead, he gently wraps it around my neck, then tucks the ends into the neck of my coat. It’s oddly intimate. “There,” he says. “Better?”
I nod.
We walk the rest of the way in freezing silence. When Ryan gets out his keys and presses the button to unlock his car, I nearly burst out laughing when I see the headlights flash on a Porsche. It’s such a stereotypical arrogant surgeon car! It’s evenred.
“What?” Ryan says.
