Page 71 of The Devil You Know
“And I didn’t see your text messages,” I babble on. “I mean, not until I was already driving and by then—”
“I’m sorry,” Ben interrupts me.
I blink up at him. “What?”
“About last night,” he says, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. “I’m sorry. I’msosorry. The things I said to you… I can’t believe I said all that. I just… I’ve beendoing this project for work and it’s all gone to hell lately and it’s really frustrating. More than frustrating—all I do is stare at screens of code until I want to poke my eyes out. And then I look at you being so successful and I just felt like… I don’t know…inadequate. I felt like you wouldn’t understand. Not that that’s an excuse, but…” He shakes his head. “I didn’t mean what I said.”
I don’t know what to say to that. He suresoundedlike he meant it last night. And it’s not like this was an isolated incident.
“Okay, that’s a lie,” he admits. “I did mean some of it. It’s been… rough lately.” He sighs and looks away from me. “I’ve been having so much trouble focusing on work lately and when I stayed that extra time at my mother’s house, it was just… so peaceful. I admit it—it was nice. But…” He bites his lip. “Look, I’m not being entirely honest with you about what happened last night.”
My stomach churns. What happened last night? Was there another woman involved? If there was, it would certainly make things easier guilt-wise, but the thought of Ben being with another woman makes me feel physically ill.
“I did go to a hotel,” he says softly. “I paid for a room and I went up there, thinking I’d at least spend the night. But then… the second I walked in, it just feltwrong. I knew I had made a horrible mistake. All I could thinkabout was how miserable I’d feel if I never got to spend another night with you. So I left and came back home.”
“Oh,” I murmur. So he really did mean to leave me. It wasn’t just talk.
“I’m sorry,” he says again. His eyes fill with tears. Honest to God,tears. “I know I fucked up. We were just fighting so much and I was so frustrated with work and… no excuses though.” He takes a deep breath. “I’ll do anything to make things right between us again.Anything. I’ll go to counseling, I’ll build a temple in your honor—whatever you want. Iloveyou. I mean, Leah’s my daughter and all, but you’re the one I’m going to grow old with.”
I allow my eyes to meet his. “I want to grow old with you too.”
He reaches out and gently eases his warm fingers into mine. “You’re the one whose hand I’m going to be holding in our matching rocking chairs on the patio.”
“Is that what you fantasize about?” I tease him gently. “Matching rocking chairs on the patio?”
“Hell yeah.” He manages a smile. “And matching walkers. And dentures. We’re going to be the envy of all the old people on the block.”
I return his smile. The great thing about Ben is that he was always the kind of guy I could imagine getting old with. I never felt that way about Ryan, even when thingswere at their best. That was sort of prophetic, considering he’s not going to get old with anybody.
“But when you didn’t come home tonight…” he says. “I just thought I blew it…”
I swallow hard. This is the tricky part. I can’t lie to him. If we’re going to have a fresh start, I need to be honest. But then again, if I tell him the truth, I don’t know how he’ll react. It was just a kiss. But still, no man is going to want to hear that his wife kissed another man.
“Ben…” I begin.
Ben looks at me and his eyes fill with tears again. And that’s when I realize that he knows. Maybe he doesn’tknow everything, but he knowssomethingwent on tonight. He saw those text messages from Ryan on my phone. He knows that he walked out on me and how awful that must have made me feel. And he isn’t a complete idiot.
“Ben,” I say again.
“No,” he whispers. “It’s okay. You don’t have to… listen, I love you. Whatever you have to say, just don’t say it. Okay, Jane?”
I nod.
He pulls me to him again. We stay that way, embracing in the living room of our home, for a long, long time. I love Ben so much. We’re going to be old people on the porch together someday. And I tell myselfthat tonight will be the very last time I ever see or speak to Ryan Reilly.
I couldn’t possibly know how wrong I turn out to be.
Chapter 27
One Month Later
“Mommy, I need to go potty!”
I had been so excited for Leah to be toilet trained. I thought it would herald a new golden era in which Ben and I wouldn’t argue over who was going to be wiping up Leah’s poop. I thought of the fortune I would save on overpriced pull-ups. It didn’t seem like there could possibly be a downside.
Yet somehow, there is.
Leah needs to use the bathroomall the time, except when we’re actually toilet-adjacent. When we took her to Chuck E. Cheese to celebrate her fourth birthday a couple of weeks ago, she needed to use the toilet on the way to the restaurant and on the way back, but never while we were actually at the bathroom-equipped restaurant. And when I picked her up from the preschool five minutes ago, she seemed affronted by my suggestion that she use the potty before we leave. But now that we’re in my car, she suddenly needs the potty. Immediately.
