Page 90 of The Devil You Know
“Is that so surprising?” I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand. Man, I need a mint. “You quit all of a sudden without saying anything to me, and I know you’ve got that gun…”
Tears spring up in my eyes. I don’t know whether I’m crying because I’m relieved not to find Ryan dead with a gun in his hand or because I know that eventually, somebody will.
His blue eyes widen. “You thought I killed myself?”
“Well… yes.”
“Jesus…” Ryan tugs at the collar of his T-shirt. It’s still odd to see him wearing something besides scrubs. “I’m sorry, Jane. I didn’t realize…” He shakes his head. “I’m not going to try to kill myself. Okay? So don’t worry.”
“But youquit,” I point out. “I thought you said you were going to work until you couldn’t anymore. And you said that once you couldn’t…”
“Yeah, well.” He shrugs. “That’s before I found out how goddamntediouspaperwork at the VA could be. I figure if I’ve only got one or two more good years left, I’m sure as hell not going to spend it doingthat.”
My shoulders sag in relief. I can’t believe I found him here, still okay. And not just okay, but looking… well, notunhappy. “So what are you going to do?”
He smiles distantly. “I’m going to see the world. I’ve always wanted to travel, but I could never make time for it because of my career. Well, the career’s gone. So I’m going to see everything I’ve ever wanted to see.” He looks around the house. “I just needed a few days to wrap up some loose ends, like making sure my brother is taken care of. Then I’m flying out to Paris tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow?” I gasp. “Without even telling me?”
Ryan shrugs again. “Why would I have told you?”
Good point. Whywouldhe have told me? What am I to him? Nothing. What was I ever to him? Not really much more than a fling. “You know,” I say, trying to keep the bitterness out of my voice, “your brother told me that you loved me.”
“That’s true.” He rubs the slight stubble on his chin with the back of his hand. “Ididlove you.”
I snort. “Well, you neversaidthat to me.”
“Yeah, so?” He shakes his head. “Come on. I obviously loved you. There was no point in complicating things by saying so.”
“Yeah, I’m sure you did,” I mutter. No matter what he says now, Ryan really only cared about one thing, above everything, and that was himself. Himself and especially his career.
“Jane.” He waits for a moment until I turn to meet his gaze. “You were the love of my life. You had to know that, didn’t you?”
“Thelove of your life!” I burst out. “You’vegotto be kidding me. You weren’t even faithful to me!”
“Youweren’t faithful tome.”
“I would have been if you were!”
“Look,” he says, “before you came along, I’d never dated a girl more than a few months. And after you, there was nobody. I mean, nobody important. You were the only one who ever meant a goddamn thing to me.”
“I’m sorry,” I mutter. “It’s a nice thing to say, but you can probably understand why I don’t believe you.”
Ryan just looks at me for a minute, glassy-eyed, like he’s struggling with some deep internal debate. It’s so quiet that I can hear the ticking of a clock somewhere in the distance. Finally, he says, “I knew.”
“Knew what?”
“I knew I had Huntington’s disease,” he says. “Like, before the symptoms started, I already knew I had it. For sure.”
I frown at him. “How did you know?”
“I got myself tested. Years ago.”
“You did?” I can’t believe what I’m hearing. I told him a million times to get tested, and now I find out that he actually did it? How come he never told me? “Seriously?”
“Yes, seriously,” he sighs. “It was eight years ago, actually. Right after you dumped me for Pip.” He smiles crookedly. “I decided that I had to know for sure if I had itor not. And if I didn’t, I vowed that I was going to win you back from him and marry you. But then…” He clears his throat. “Well, you know what happened.”
“Jesus,” I breathe. My knees are feeling shaky again and I cling to the kitchen counter for support.
