Page 10 of Goblins Don't Count
“Well, Mr. Raccoon, how did you get that big gash in your leg? Did you get it caught on a werewolf, or just a dog? No, these cuts are too close together, too clean. It looks like a trap, the way it’s the same on both sides. Did you get caught in a trap? Who’s putting out traps for raccoons in the city? Poor Mr. Raccoon. And then, of course, you had to drink all the vodka. No one told you that you were supposed to wash your wound in vodka, not drink it, so you didn’t know any better.”
I continued rambling until he was all clean, and I could really see the wound. There wasn’t anything to stitch. I’d just have to wrap it up and hope he could keep it clean and dry. I ground herbs for Mr. Racoon after I got him settled on a corner of my couch, wrapped in a towel. I did the spells I’d learned so meticulously, knowing that they wouldn’t do much, but at least they’d do something. Then I packed his wound, talking all the time, which seemed to keep him calm, then I wrapped his wound, stuck the end on with magic spells so it wouldn’t come undone, and then collapsed on the floor with the now-snoring raccoon.
I grabbed a pillow and put it under my head, trying to think what in the world I was supposed to do now. I had a goblin behind bars, a dead judge who was probably murdered, and a raccoon on my couch. What a mess. What a bunch of messes. And my sense of smell was better than I had been. Was it possible that I was actually turning into a goblin? Of course not. People turned into werewolves and vampires, but not goblins. Still, I had been able to hear him opening a window two offices away. What kind of assassin wasn’t quieter than that? He really needed to work on his stealth if he was going to be sneaking around in dangerous places. One of these days he’d be seriously hurt, and then who would help me with my goblin pronunciation?
He had really silky hair. If I had his shampoo, I could have used it on Mr. Raccoon and myself so we would all be soft and delicious smelling. His hair had smelled so good. Not that I was thinking about his hair. What was wrong with me, fixating on some traitorous goblin’s hair? Probably the fact that I was twenty-five and hadn’t ever dated anyone. What I should do was go to the local coven meeting and get to know a nice warlock. He wouldn’t be Winston the Warlock, but a nice, happy neutral witch who wouldn’t mind my raccoon. Maybe he could even take him off my hands because he’d be so good with animals. And plants.
Not that certain goblins didn’t seem to have a green thumb. Ha! Because their thumbs were literally green. I fell asleep smirking to myself.
ChapterFour
Iwoke up, once again, to my work phone blaring at me. I had to stop waking up like that, particularly when it also woke up the raccoon, and he was not in a good mood. He leapt onto the top of the couch, snarling and trying to rip off the bandage, and in general acting like a rabid psychopath.
I held up my hands as I edged towards my bag. “Calm down, Mr. Raccoon. It’s okay. You’re probably hungover and have a nasty headache, but everything’s going to be fine.” I dove for the bag, and got my phone out on the first try. I hit the right button and put it to my ear in time to hear Lieutenant Joss bellow, “She’ll be here in fifteen minutes, or I’ll send her to the market!”
“Hello?” I asked, heading for the bathroom, but the raccoon leapt in front of me, cutting me off. His eyes were bright and beady, and those teeth looked so sharp.
“Sato! Get down to the station now and get the cuffs off Corcarn! No one else can get them off! They’re a nuisance!”
I stared at the raccoon and at the phone. What was I supposed to do now? I edged away from the raccoon and towards the small kitchen that only had a half wall separating it from the living room. If I could distract Mr. Raccoon with food, I might be able to escape with my limbs intact.
“Yes, sir. I’ll be in shortly.”
“Now!”
“Yes, well, I’m currently cornered by a masked, hungover criminal, so I will be there when I can.”
Mr. Raccoon leapt at me, and I ducked down then threw myself into the kitchen, dropping my phone. I could still hear Lieutenant Joss yelling while I opened the first cabinet and found some very old breakfast cereal. I grabbed a handful and hurled it at the raccoon, getting it in his face. He stopped, sniffed, and then started eating the sugary cereal. Definitely not ideal raccoon food, but this wasn’t the time to be particular.
“Yeah? You like that? Have some more.” I threw another handful at it while I edged around it into the living room, scooping up my phone on the way. I threw one last handful before I grabbed my bag and left by way of the inner hall. That door was closer, and I didn’t want to feel the truth of the goblin’s barbs about my unwitchy plant skills. I definitely shouldn’t leave the raccoon in my apartment, but I couldn’t let it out on the street until it was healed, either. I’m sure it would be fine.
“Sorry about that,” I said, holding the phone to my ear, but the line was dead. The Lieutenant must have hung up. That made sense. Still, it made my stomach queasy to think about how he might think that I’d hung up on him just because I dropped my phone. No problem. Everything would be fine.
I shook my head and sighed, then headed down the stairs and into the kitchen where my dad was hummingThe Eye of the Tiger.
“Hey dad,” I said, patting his shoulder.
He looked up from his deadly chopping to give me a gentle smile. “Rinny, good morning. Did you see what I got from the book fair? I found something you’ll like. It’s wrapped on top of the fridge.”
I grabbed it and stuck it in my bag. “Thanks. I haven’t got time to look at it now. I’m sorry I had Tarn go with you. I know he’s…” Not interested in books. Explosives, yes. Poisons, also yes. Fast bikes, of course, but not books.
“Your work is calling you on the weekends now? I thought that ended after your internship.”
I laughed, and then sniffed my way to the delicious carton on the counter. I took a spoonful of the stuff and put it in my mouth before I realized what I was doing. Sushi hadn’t ever tasted so good. I took another bite and another, and another, until he pulled the carton away, giving me a weird look. “Are you okay? You don’t usually like raw blowfish.”
I froze and felt a wave of nausea that was mostly psychological. Unless I had actually poisoned myself with one of the most dangerous fishes in the world. “It’s a new thing. I’ve got to get to work.” I sprinted out of there before I had a nervous breakdown and told my dad everything. I’d inherited my ability to keep my mouth shut from him, but sometimes things got a little crazy. Like a drunk raccoon in your apartment crazy. Or turning into a goblin crazy. No. I was not turning into a goblin, even if I was suddenly craving incredibly dangerous raw fish.
I got in my car, the purple hornet sounding good when I got it going. One thing my brother wasn’t terrible at was tuning up cars. He’d been keeping my old Hatchet alive ever since I was sixteen. He was two years younger than me, so I’d always had to protect him, but he had his own ways of taking care of me. The car actually worked better now than when I’d first gotten it.
I drove to the police station, which was not close to the courthouse or our sushi shop, which was good so I never ran into anyone I knew, but it was also close to one of the largest escalators down to Song, and the surrounding area had the highest crime rate in Sing. Why wouldn’t you want a police station right in the middle of that? My main issue was that the parking garage was extremely small, and the closest paid parking was between a busy 24-hour club and a motel. I mean, it was a hotel in theory, but it was so old and skeevy. The rates were very low and appealed to a certain demographic that I got to wade through every time I parked my car.
It was eight-thirty by the time I got to the garage, and then I had to push my way past a half-naked couple with wings and tails that were exploring their options way too publicly for me.
“Get a room,” I said as I pushed the guy’s back hard enough to knock them out of the doorway.
He came up for air long enough to fix me with gleaming red eyes, before the other person pulled him back down into their mutual transfixion. I shuddered and hurried to the stairs. I absolutely did not need that kind of attention when I was thinking about dating. It would scare me out of even thinking about trying, and seriously, the way I kept thinking about Sashimi’s shampoo, I needed to do something to change my trajectory.
I got outside to the sidewalk and hurried towards the station, walking past the club with its pulsing bass and the bouncer, Marilyn who nodded at me.
