Page 46 of Good Girl
Had I gone and fallen all over again for the same trick that Malcolm had played on me?
Panic and pain well inside me, making my head throb. I really want to cry, but I’m not going to give him the satisfaction of an emotional response.
‘You were so offended when I accidentally mentioned money to you, when we first talked,’ I blurt, using my anger to hold myself together. ‘But you were more than happy to whore yourself out for a few photographs in a newspaper. For publicity.’
I can see a muscle working in his jaw. ‘Yes, but only to restore my reputation and my family’s good name.’
‘Oh, well, that’s all right, then, as long as your reputation’s safe!’ My voice is heavy with sarcasm.
Another horrible thought strikes me. ‘You only asked to me to stay on longer because you knew there’d be more photo opportunities, didn’t you?’
He shakes his head. ‘No. I wanted you to stay because I liked having you around. I didn’t call the press at all this last week.’
‘I don’t believe you.’
‘Well, it’s true. You have to trust me.’
‘Well, I don’t. I don’t trust anything you say now I know how you used me.’
He takes an angry step forward and points at my chest. ‘Well, you used me too. I was just a warm body to fuck to you, wasn’t I? Just practice for the real thing. For someone with more intelligence. You weren’t here for me as a person. You were here for what you could get from me.’
‘I didn’t mean to make you feel like that,’ I argue, but the heat of my shame rushes to my face and shows me up for the selfish bitch I really am. Of course that’s exactly what I did at first. I treated him like a sex object, not someone with feelings and his own insecurities. I naively thought he couldn’t have any because of his beauty and popularity.
‘Well, anyway, it’s over now. You don’t need me any more. You can go back to that lecturer and blow his mind with your expertise in bed.’
His eyes are totally devoid of emotion now, which sends a shiver of fear down my spine. Was this really the way things were going to end between us, after everything we’ve shared? Could he really turn his back on me and walk away so easily? Anger and frustration flood through me.
‘How can you treat me like this after everything we’ve shared? Everything I trusted you with? All those humiliating stories...’ I whisper, my voice a rough croak. ‘I can’t believe you think it’s okay to have used me like that. And after what that teacher did to you, the way she made you feel about yourself, how she abused your trust and smashed your pride to pieces... I thought you’d never do that to someone else. And I gave you my virginity because I genuinely thought you cared about me.’
This seems to get through to him because I see his shoulders tense and a glimpse of something like shame on his face. ‘Youaskedme to take your virginity, remember? Youbeggedme.’
‘Yes, when I thought it actually meant something to you. Because it meant something to me.Youmeant something to me.’
‘But I don’t any more?’ I can’t read his expression now. He’s withdrawn too far into himself.
I swallow painfully, my throat tight with sadness. ‘You’re not the man I thought you were.’
‘Juno...’
I stiffen as he moves towards me, his arms raised as if he wants to pull me into a hug against his body. But I can’t let him. I can’t give in to my physical response to him. That’s what got me here in the first place. It was a mistake then and it would be a mistake now.
‘Don’t touch me,’ I snap. ‘Don’t even come near me.’
He drops his arms and folds them across his chest instead, staring down at the floor between us.
‘Look, I know you’ve never wanted a real relationship with me. I’m not stupid. You told me that from the off.’ I take a deep, shuddering breath. ‘So I guess this is the perfect time to end this charade.’
‘So you can go back to Adam?’ He sounds disgusted, as if I’m making a huge mistake by ignoring his disdain for the guy, but I don’t care about his opinion any more. Why should I? He didn’t care about my feelings when he was calling the press.
‘Probably,’ I say in frustration. ‘Maybe I will give him another chance. At least he was man enough to be honest with me.’
I see him jerk back, as if I’ve physically wounded him.
‘Fine. You do what you want. I’m going out.’
He strides past me to the front door and roughly shoves his feet back into his shoes.
‘Where are you going?’ I ask, panic chasing through my body. I suddenly don’t want him to leave in anger like this. I want to find some way to work it out. But I’m afraid, deep down, that there’s nothing either of us can say right now to make this horrible situation better.
