Page 24 of She Devil
So we’re still alone, then.
He takes a seat opposite me, his eyes never leaving mine. ‘I want you to relax while you’re here. Take a break from the rush of your life. Focus on one thing for once, instead of a million of them.’
‘Focus onyou, you mean?’ I say with a wry smile.
His shrug is nonchalant. ‘Yes. I do. And in order to do that you need to calm that overactive brain of yours. That’s why I wanted you to stay for a few days.’
‘Are you trying to tell me you’re doing this for my health now?’
‘Partly, maybe. But I’m also interested in seeing the April I used to know. Back when you weren’t driven by profit and loss. When you could laugh at yourself and actually enjoy life.’
Thinking about the person I used to be makes my chest contract.
‘She doesn’t exist any more. She died the day my mother did,’ I say, keeping my voice brisk and dispassionate.
His gaze locks with mine and an expression of sadness crosses his face.
‘I don’t believe that,’ he says quietly. Leaning forward, he braces his hands on the table. ‘I think she’s still in there somewhere.’
My laugh is strained and cynical. ‘Well, if she is, I can’t find her.’ I swipe my hand through the air, swatting away the notion. ‘Anyway, I wouldn’t want to be that naïve again. I’m proud of the life I’ve made for myself. I have everything I’ve ever wanted now.’
‘Everything?’ he asks.
I feel my heart starting to beat harder in my chest. ‘Yes,’ I lie.
‘I remember you saying that to me once before, when we were together.’
My throat dries as I remember exactly the time he’s talking about. We’d spent the weekend together, mostly in bed, only getting up to eat then go out to a gig at a local pub. We’d been sitting at a sticky table with pints of lager in front of us, relaxed and happy in our cosy world of private jokes and dreams for the future. A future together.
That moment had felt perfect in its simplicity.
Ihadhad everything I wanted.
I’d had Jamie.
And I’d thought that if we were together then everything would always be okay.
How wrong I’d been.
‘That was a long time ago,’ I murmur, the words rough in my throat. ‘A lot’s happened in the meantime. Like growing up and having adult responsibilities.’
‘What responsibilities?’
‘My sisters, for one.’
He frowns. ‘But they’re adults too now. I’m sure they’re totally capable of looking after themselves.’
I sigh, feeling the weight of my family’s dysfunction pressing down on me. ‘You’d think so, wouldn’t you? But Maya is so irresponsible and Juno always seems to have her head so far up in the clouds she doesn’t notice life going on around her.’
‘I thought they were both happy with partners now. That’s what I heard.’
I pause before I speak, mulling this over. ‘Yes, they are. That’s true. But I suppose I’ll always think of them as kids needing my support. They were both so young when our mother died and I was the one they looked to to step in and fill that role. I suppose I’ve never shaken it off.’
He stares at me, his brow a little pinched, as if something’s just occurred to him.
‘It sounds like it’s time to do that now, though—let go a little?’
I shrug, feeling uncomfortable. This conversation is a little too close to the bone for my liking. ‘Perhaps.’
