Page 42 of Best Laid Plans
‘I felt bad about the way we’d left things after what happened between us,’ he said. ‘I kept thinking about what a struggle you’ll have when you get back to London. I wanted to do something to help you.’
‘You came here to give me money?’ she asked, her voice barely making it past her throat. Bitter disillusionment coursed through her, causing her eyes to burn with unshed tears and her skin to prickle as if she were being attacked by a thousand bees.
He frowned, looking visibly shocked by her lack of enthusiasm. ‘What’s wrong? I thought you’d be pleased.’
‘Do you even know me at all? Did you really think I wouldn’t be offended by you giving me money after I’d slept with you?’ Her voice crackled with dismay. ‘It’s like you’re paying me off to relieve your conscience!’
She knew it was a low blow, but she was so angry with him right now. Couldn’t he see how humiliating this was for her?
‘That’s not why I’m giving it to you. Mon Dieu! It just means if your grant doesn’t come through you can keep working there until you find another source of funding.’ His shoulders tensed as he folded his arms across his chest. ‘I wanted to do something to help you,’ he repeated, in the same tone he’d used with the receptionist on the very first night they’d met, when he’d made it clear how disgusted he was with the lack of service she’d provided.
‘I don’t want your money, Julien.’ This time the words came out loud and clear, thanks to a sudden surge of anger that came rushing up from the pit of her stomach.
He opened his mouth to speak, then looked away as if he’d thought better of it, frowning and shaking his head in confusion.
When he looked back, his expression was shuttered and a muscle flickered in his jaw.
‘Where is this coming from, Indigo? Hmm? Why are you so angry with me for wanting to help? Can’t you put your stubborn pride aside for a moment and let someone helpyoufor once?’ He shook his head, his eyes narrowed. ‘I don’t understand. What is it you want from me?’
How could he ask that? Didn’t he know how she felt about him? Wasn’t it obvious? ‘I wantyou, you idiot!’
The silence after her outburst seemed to stretch on forever.
Finally, Julien closed his eyes and rubbed a hand over his face, letting out a long sigh.
‘When you turned up here, I thought you’d come back for me.Me, Julien!’ Her throat felt painfully tight as she fought back the tears. ‘But I guess that makesmethe idiot!’ A sob broke loose, and she clasped a hand over her mouth to stop any more from escaping.
‘Indigo—’ His expression was full of regret now.
‘I just want the opportunity for us to get to know each other better.’ She took a deep calming breath, not wanting to give in to her emotions and ruin any chance she had of making herself heard. ‘To give a relationship a chance.’
He was shaking his head now, his eyes a little wild, as if she’d caught him in a trap and he couldn’t see any way to escape. ‘I can’t, Indigo. I’m not ready for that.’
‘So you’ll just let this amazing connection that we have go? You feel it too, right? Please tell me it’s not just me.’
There was another long silence where he stared at the ground. ‘It’s not just you,’ he said finally.
‘So why won’t you give it a chance?’
‘I can’t.’
‘What are you afraid of?’
He rubbed a hand over his face. ‘I’ve spent the last two years feeling like I was suffocating. I need my space – to begin to feel like I’ve got a grip on my life again.’
‘And you can’t do that and still have some space left for me?’
He spread his hands in mute apology. ‘No. I’m sorry.’ He gestured towards the envelope still clutched in her hand. ‘That’s the best I can do right now.’
‘Well, I don’t want it.’ She thrust it back towards him and after a second’s hesitation he took it from her.
From the intensity of his frown, she could tell that he wasn’t prepared to listen to any more of her entreaties.
She opened her mouth to try anyway, but he raised his hand to stop her.
‘I can’t ask you to wait for me, Indigo, because I don’t know when I’ll feel ready to have another serious relationship again – or if I’ll ever be ready for one. And, after what happened with your ex, the last thing you need is to embark on something so precarious with someone like me. I don’t want to have any part in corrupting that amazing positivity that you have. I’m too bitter and messed up right now. I’d be a danger to you.’
‘But you might feel differently one day?’ There was a pleading tone in her voice now that made her cringe inside.
