Page 41 of Colt
Probably because Gentry is the person that she’s really attached to. Not that she’s ever said that. Not that it’s something we ever speak about. But it’s apparent to me.
“Well, great that you guys get to drive down together.”
“Yeah.”
“Maybe I’ll do some firefighting after I’m done with the rodeo,” I say, sitting down at the table.
“Excuse me?”
My mom walks into the room holding a basket of bread.
“Just planning for the future, mom.”
“Could you give me a break? Because I would like that, Colt. What if you became an accountant?”
Lily snorts, and Gentry smiles and looks up at my mom. “Do you knowaccountantis a chronically online euphemism for something else?”
“No,” Cindy says. “For what?”
“For a sex worker,” says Lily.
My mom rolls her eyes. “Oh, please.”
“I was thinking about that earlier,” I say. “I could start a rodeo cowboy page.”
“If you do that, you have to not tell me,” my mom says.
“No, I’ll definitely tell you.”
“You’re trouble,” she says, swatting me on the shoulder, and one of the very few places I’m not injured.
Allison isn’t in the room., And I’m wondering where she went. But I don’t ask. Mom leaves and comes back in with a pan of meatloaf and a bowl of mashed potatoes, followed by a giant bowl of green salad. Allison appears after everyone starts taking their plates out of the pile at the center of the table.
She sits down at the table at the furthest seat away from me. Is that what she was waiting for? A way to sit as far from me as possible without it being obvious? Like she just took the last seat.
Though she did take the last seat, and there’s no way she planned that, I guess. But still.
“How’s school?” Gentry jabbed his fork toward Allison, and then she proceeds to give him the same rundown she gave me earlier.
I’m not used to spending so much time with her. Normally, this would be news to me. But I feel like I’ve been on the interior of her life now for the past couple of days. A couple days that feel a hell of a lot longer than they actually were.
But that’s part of the time warp of this injury. It feels both like no time has passed at all since that night at the rodeo, and like I’ve lived an entirely new lifetime.
And yet, here I am, surrounded by my family. That’s a gift. I wonder how many people are lucky enough to have a family as nice as this? Here we are, all sitting around the table. There’s notension. There’s no weirdness. It’s a blended family, and yet we all get along. Gentry and I are practically best friends. My mom gets along with both stepkids, and Jim is the father I never had. It couldn’t be more important.
The only tension that has ever existed has been between Allison and me, and that’s just normal.
You. It’s normal.
At least mostly was until today.
But this is the reminder for why we can’t do this. The reminder for why from the very first moment I ever felt attracted to her I decided that I had to shut it off.
And I need to shut it off now, too.
Because this family is what matters. It means everything to me. And now that I don’t have the rodeo, this is what I have. It’s all I have.
She looks up, right at that moment, and our eyes clash.
