Page 46 of Colt
“Don’t push it,” my mom says.
“I wouldn’t dream of it.”
We walk out onto the front porch, and she closes the door behind me.
“Thanks for not ratting me out.” I don’t even know which thing I mean.
“Yeah. Well. There are certain conversations that I don’t want to have.” That could apply to multiple things. It takes me forever to get down the stairs. But I don’t let Allison help me. To be fair, she doesn’t offer. But I think it’s because she knows that I’m going to say no.
And then, we are shut in the small space in her car, and nothing is better.
“You’re important to me,” I say, once we’re back on the main road. “I swear to God, I’m not doing anything.”
“I’m important to you?”
“Yes. Our family is important. You’re right. I can’t be disrupting Thanksgivings.”
“Oh. So I’m not important. I’m just a block in your Jenga tower.”
“That’s not what I’m saying.”
“Yeah. It is what you’re saying, Colt. But that’s fair. You’ve had enough blocks taken out of the tower, haven’t you? So, ofcourse, you can’t bear to have one more removed. But it’s not about me. It’s about you.”
I think about the desire that I felt for her earlier. About the way that it built when I touched her cheek earlier. She pulls us into the driveway of my house, and at that point, I snap. “No, Allison. If it were about me, I’d have kissed you. And trust me, if I did that, pretty soon you’d be screaming my name and coming so hard we’d both forget why this is a bad idea.”
I don’t wait for her to help me out. I get out of the car, and I go straight to the house by myself.
I slam the door shut behind me, and if she tries to follow, I don’t know.
Chapter Ten
Allison
I wake up feeling…uneasy. Maybe that isn’t the right word. Colt leaving me in the car after he said that echoes in my head. It kept me awake last night. I couldn’t sleep. I just kept hearing that angry, rough promise he made before he stormed into the house.
The trouble is, I believe it. The trouble is, I know that I had to rush out and have sex so that I wouldn’t be wondering about him. The trouble is… Talking to Sarah makes me suspect that my worst fear is true. That with Colt it would be good. It would begreat.
I press my fists into my eyeballs.
The truth is, I should move. For the last year of school, when I’m doing my rotations in the hospital, I would be much happier if I weren’t living in Gold Valley. I would have more time to sleep, and I would spend less time commuting. And I wouldn’t be so close to him.
I know exactly where this is leading me.
I get out of bed, and I strip my clothes off. I stalk to my shower and I turn the water on. I let the warm water beat down on me. And I wonder if I’m really considering…
The trouble is, I’ve been haunted by this for years. This is new for him. I know it is. He can say whatever he wants about how this isn’t about where he’s at emotionally right now, but it is. The idea that I could help him stop feeling like less of a man… Oh, that gets me in ways I don’t like.
I was devastated the first time. I was devastated when he looked at me with that desire in his eyes and I realized it was only about his desire to feel whole. I reacted badly, and I had a good reason for it. But now I’ve been sitting with it for a good twelve hours. Well, more than that. In the kitchen last night, it’s like I was a teenager again. It was like all those fluttery feelings rose up inside of me. And when we talk, I actually do like him. I only don’t like him because I’m always desperately trying to put this wall between us.
What if I didn’t? What if I just stop trying? What if we stop trying? What if… What if I can help him and he can show me how good sex is, and then I leave? Around the time he starts to feel better. I’ll move away, and I won’t have to deal with him. I won’t have to deal with the consequences. It’s almost the perfect crime.
My heart is pounding hard. Damn. At 7 AM. I really need to calm down.
But I can’t. Because my body feels like it’s on fire. Because I feel like I’ve finally come to a conclusion. I feel like I’ve finally shaken off the stagnation that has been dogging me.
Has it only been days since he got out of the hospital? It feels like months. It feels like so many things have changed fundamentally, but all those changes have been inside of me. Between us.
Barely spoken. We were talking around all of it until last night, right before he went into the house. All I need to know is if he wants me. If he wants me, I don’t actually care why.
