Page 74 of Colt
“It’s complicated.” He smiles at me ruefully.
“Maybe you needed to go through all the changes to get to this one.”
He grimaces. “Probably.”
Just like I think I need to get a good look at what a mess he is up close. To see how wonderful and terrible this thing between us can be. If nothing else, I’ve learned some things about myself. About how intense physical attraction can be for me.
I’m definitely not going to sleep with justsome guyagain if I don’t have this. Why would I? Maybe knowing that I can have it is the first step. And I hate the idea of Colt being a training ground for anything, just the same as I hate the idea that I’ve been some kind of emotional training ground for him. That him not knowing what to do with me is pushing him to make changes so that he can be better for somebody else.
But the reality of who we are to each other means that’s just how it has to be.
There is no other alternative.
I can accept this. And I can accept that whatever happens, it’s going to be okay, because I can choose to learn from it, to grow from it. Just like the other bad things I’ve been through. This doesn’t have to be a bad thing.
I got a little bit too deep without remembering that this is going to end.
I loved my mom, even knowing I was going to lose her. I can give myself over to this thing, knowing that it’s going to end.Accepting that it’s going to end. It’s one of the things that my experiences have prepared me for. If I am going to be a good nurse. You have to be pragmatic. Not emotional, it’s what I’ve always done. It’s why I distanced Colt in the first place, and now I’ve made a different decision, and I’m going to have to accept that position.
“So. Dinner tonight.”
He nods slowly. “Dinner tonight.”
Chapter Fifteen
Colt
She drives us tonight, and it’s strange walking up to the house together, but separate. It’s sort of like last night, but in a more profound way.
We sort of settled things earlier.
We shared some things.
I crashed out, and I’m having to climb up out of that, but I can. I’ve made a decision. And that’s good. I don’t want to be like my dad. I don’t want to be forever chasing the spotlight because I don’t know how to be without it.
I don’t want to be a narcissist. It’s not enough anymore to just avoid having certain attachments so that I don’t hurt people. I want to actually change. And if I had to bottom out to come to that realization, then fine. It’s fine.
What I’ve learned is that rock-bottom isn’t the place I hit in that arena. It’s contending with everything afterward. With not knowing what to do when life doesn’t obey me. When I can’t manipulate a situation with charm. When I can’t force my body to heal faster than it’s going to.
When I can’t just decide to be healed.
She’s right. It’s probably something I need to go through. It’s clearly something my dad never went through, and he made the decision to not be changed or affected by having a son. I need to make a different decision.
That’s all really clear to me now. The healing journey isn’t just sitting around letting my bones knit themselves back together. It’s also getting on top of myself. Not just drinking to deal with pain that I actually need to be able to face head-on.
We receive a warm greeting from everybody in the house, though Gentry is measured.
Lily isn’t here tonight, which is unusual.
“She has a date,” he says casually.
“A date?”
I haven’t really known Lily to date. Partly because she so… Obsessed with Gentry.
“Yeah. A date.” I watch his face to see if he has any emotions about it, but he’s unreadable. Gentry can be like that.
Allison has shared more with me in the last few weeks about the impact of her mom’s death, and about her memories surrounding her, than Gentry has in the last ten years. He’s just not that kind of person.
