Page 64 of Hung Up
“Yeah, well, I lied.” His hands fist slightly against his sides, and I see the distress start to appear in the furrow between his brows. “I don’t want it to end. I’m sorry, Faith. I shouldn’t have said what I said. If I could take it all back, I would.”
If I could take it all back, I would.That’s the same thing Adam said to me when he came to my apartment a week after we had broken up before he begged for me to take him back.And that thought, that memory? It sends me into a rage I wasn’t expecting.
“You are just like every other guy.” Jesse’s shoulders tense, and it looks like he wants to interject, to argue that statement, but I continue. “You bend over backward to try and spoil the girl, to try and get her to fall for you. All these sweet gestures and words to try and win her over. And then the second things don’t go your way, you give up. You whine and you pout and you place blame rather than taking it.”
“If this is about me blaming my injury on you, I’m sorry for that, I really am.”
His regret is clear, but I’ve opened a box I’ve kept tightly locked for quite some time, and there’s no putting the lid back on it now. “No. This is about you sending me flowers and notes. About you showing up for me when I needed you, and even when I didn’t. This is about how you bent over backward to do so many things for me and then walked away and were willing to throw in the towel the second I became too difficult.”
“Sweetheart, I’m not walking away.”
“You don’t get it.”
“Then help me understand.”
I feel my eyes start to grow misty, my emotions beginning to overwhelm me, and it takes every piece of power I can muster not to start crying in the middle of this bar. “People only tend to stick around when it benefits them. I’m used to being left when people get what they want from me. And I get it. I’m too stubborn and too closed off. I’m judgmental and can be rude and hurtful when I want to be. I’m hard to deal with, and I’m hard to love. I guess part of me somewhere along the way, without even realizing it, hoped you thought I was worth the trouble.”
Saying those words out loud, finally voicing what I’ve been struggling to grasp for all of these weeks, seems to lift a weight off my shoulders, but also devastate me at the same time. Allthese years with my father only reaching out when he needed something from me or to take advantage of my connections or money from my profession, all my ex-boyfriends cheating on me because I wasn’t available enough or didn’t do enough for them, all the friends I’ve lost throughout the years because I was selfish or boring, have made me bitter and doubtful.
It’s been ingrained in me that I’m not worth the time or effort unless I give something of equal value back. It’s why I’ve been alone for so long. Why waste my time and energy and risk breaking my own heart by giving someone a chance? By opening myself up to try and find something worth sustaining, only for it to inevitably blow up in my face?
And that was working really well for me until Jesse came along. He broke through my walls like a wrecking ball, destroying everything that I had built so carefully to protect myself. He was starting to make me believe I was worth someone’s time and energy, and I wasn’t obligated to return it right away. Jesse had made me feel comfortable enough to slowly ease back into the woman I used to be—the one who would do whatever she could to help and support those she cared about.
But, like always, when I put my walls back up to protect my heart, it only resulted in devastation. I became too hard for him, too difficult to put up with. So he ended our deal.
And I really have no one to blame but myself.
Adam said it himself: If I wasn’t so closed off, maybe it’d be easier to love me.
“Sweetheart, no,” he breathes, reaching for my hands and holding them tightly between his own. I refuse to look up, staring at the floor as I try to keep the tears at bay, but he lifts one hand and cups the bottom of my chin, forcing my gaze up to his. “You are not a trouble. Yeah, sure, you can be stubborn and difficult sometimes, and yes, you can shut down on me fromtime to time. But you’re not too hard to love, Faith. That’s not the issue.”
“Then what is?” I say it so quietly I’m almost unsure if he hears me, but he cups my face between his hands.
He takes a shaky breath, a conflicted expression behind his eyes as he hesitates. But when he speaks, it’s with nothing but confidence and sincerity. “Loving you—fallingfor you is the easiest thing I’ve ever done in my life.”
“Jesse—”
“I need you to hear me when I say this, Sweetheart.” I’m vaguely aware of the sound of cheering around us as some team makes a good play on the television, but I’m too focused on the man in front of me. “I know you redrew those boundaries because you could sense something shifted in me. That things had changed for me. And I don’t blame you for that, because you were right. I’m falling for you, Faith. And the thing is, I’m well aware of where this is heading and what our ending is going to be. But I don’t care. I want you for as long as you’ll have me.”
A lone tear falls from my eye and trails down my cheek, but he wipes it away with his thumb. “I’m not sure I can ever get to where you are, Jesse. Knowing that, I don’t see how it’s fair to you or smart for us to keep this up.”
“I don’t give a shit if it’s fair to me or not. Faith, please give me this. You drew your line in the sand, you got to have your say, now let me have mine. I want things to continue between us how they have been. I’ll deal with the rest when the season is over. Please, Sweetheart. I’m not ready to lose you just yet.”
I know I should say no. That I should stick to my guns and save us both the heartache and put an end to this. But the way he’s looking at me, with so much hope in those watery irises, there’s no other option but for me to say, “Okay.”
24JESSE
ASPEN CREEK
I can’t believe she’s really here
Me
I have a proposition for you.
Sweetheart
Uh oh, that sounds ominous.
