Page 83 of Chasing After You
And I would try. I’d try to be good.
But there was this echo in the back of my skull, soft and persistent, saying:What if that’s the only way I know how to love him?
Because I wasn’t built for boundaries, I didn’t have neat little boxes for guilt and shame and restraint. I had hunger. I had obsession. I haddevotion, however dark it may have been.
Josh deserved someone better than me.
And still, he was in my house. In my bed.
He kept choosing me, even if he didn’t know why, even if he was still lying to himself about what he wanted, even if I had to drag him through fire to get him to admit the truth of it someday.
I would do better. I would try for him.
But if trying wasn’t enough…
Then I’d find another way.
21
Josh
Dorian was acting weird.I felt like I said that a lot.
But this morning?
He was full-on sitcom dad.
He’d made pancakes topped with strawberries and powdered sugar, and he’d even poured the syrup into a tiny ceramic pitcher like we were at a restaurant.
He didn’t sit across from me like he usually did, either. He hovered, like both a waiter trying to subtly check if I liked the meal and a bomb technician worried I’d explode if he said the wrong thing.
“Thanks,” I said, glancing up at him before cutting into the stack. “You poison these?”
His mouth twitched. “Only a little.”
We shared a look, and to his credit, he didn’t flinch at the joke. Didn’t panic. Just watched me eat like he was afraid I’d vanish mid-bite if he blinked too long.
“You’re trying to be too normal,” I said after a minute, wiping my mouth and sitting back. “Like, aggressively normal.”
He blinked. “Is it that obvious?”
“Yep. Painfully.”
He looked away, shoulders tight, like he’d been dreading that answer. “I just thought… maybe if I did things differently, you’d feel better. Safer.”
I sighed, leaning forward to rest my elbows on the table. “Dori, Idofeel safe with you. Mostly. Except for, you know, the whole making-me-unconscious-against-my-will thing. I promise. Can you sit down, please?”
His lips pressed into a thin line as he continued to stand.
I waited, letting the silence settle between us.
“You scared me,” I said finally. “And not just because of the drug, but because I didn’t expect it from you. I’ve always known you were… intense. Controlling. Over-the-top. And honestly, most of the time? I actually kind of like it…”
That made his head snap up. His eyes searched mine, cautious but hopeful.
“I’m not saying it’s healthy.ButI’ve been around you long enough now to know that you put your all into things you really care about. If you love someone, you love them so hard it hurts. You memorize how they breathe, you learn what kind of creamer they like, act a little too possessive… a little crazy.” I smiled. “And that’s… okay. It really is. I don’t need you to be someone else. But Idoneed you to understand that I’m allowed to be someone else.”
He tilted his head, watching me quietly.
