Page 97 of King of Malice
“You stabbed a man to protect her, Cadence. That’s a wound you carry on your soul.”
I stare at him. “Does it bother you that I’ve done things like that?” My throat closes as I brace myself for the rejection I know is coming. But somehow, for the first time in my adult life, the idea of it doesn’t make me angry, just sad.
I don’t rise to fight. I don’t hide from the pain.
I won’t use anger to protect myself against Zane. I can’t. I’ll feel it all this time. I really have rewritten some of my shit patterns.
“No. You can’t imagine the shit I did in the military. It bothers me you’ve suffered for her.”
My mouth drops open as I try to understand. This is not the conversation I thought we’d be having. “You don’t understand.”
“Then tell me.”
“Ava lives in the shittiest little apartment, despite having an amazing job. She saves all her money.”
“Okay?”
“Three times she’s used that money to help me get sober by paying for rehab,” I whisper, knowing that Zane is going to understand why he shouldn’t trust me. “She’s bailed me out of prison. Gotten me jobs. She’s…” I feel tears well in my eyes. “She’s the only person who has ever loved me.”
“But…” He starts, but I raise my hand.
“If anything, someone should be giving her this lecture. About how I’m a bad influence. One of the reasons I left is because…I’m dragging her down. Not the other way around.”
I steel my spine as I gather myself to say the next words. “And if you’re smart, you’ll see that I would drag youdown too.” I drop my head, tears misting my eyes. I’ve said the truth. The words that weigh heavy on my heart.
When I take the anger away, I know that I’ve used it to push people away so that I don’t have to face this moment. Admitting they’re right to leave me behind.
That I deserve rejection.
“You’re not dragging me down. I…” And that’s when I hear the pain in his voice.
My chin snaps up. “What is it?”
“Umm…” He winces then, and I blink back my surprise as I try to determine where this conversation is heading.
“What?” I snap.
“Ava’s been calling a lot,” he quietly answers. “Last night she called while you were in the shower, and I picked up.”
“Okay…” My chest grows tight. Because what I did to Ava, coming here without telling her was shitty. I owe her an apology, and an explanation of how my distance is my defense mechanism.
“And I told her that she should leave you alone.” His shoulders stay straight but I see the uncertainty in his eyes.
“You did what?” I ask, my voice growing unbelievably tight as I give his chest a solid push. Anger is back. Because nothing pushes my buttons like someone messing with my best friend.
I might try to push Ava away, but no one else gets to hurt her.
“I thought?—”
“You thought wrong,” I snarl. “What did I tell you about being heavy-handed? I don’t want it, and I won’t tolerate it.”
He stops, his jaw working. “I did get heavy-handed again, didn’t I?”
My fists clench. “You want a girl that lets you boss her around, go back to your shitty dating app and your sorority girls.”
“How did you know…”
“I thought we understood each other. I can be a real bitch, but you will respect my boundaries.”
