Page 103 of Rescuing Rebecca
“Well, that’s mature,” Chase grumbled. “Why don’t we just line up, bend over, and grab our ankles in front of Johnson now?”
Cody snorted. “You first, fuck face.”
“Enough,” Adam said, his voice cutting sharp with the power of command. “Jay, sit down. The rest of you shut the hell up. Gray’s right, we need to get our shit together and figure this out.”
He stood, and unbuttoning the cuffs of his shirt, he rolled his sleeves to the elbows by folding them precisely twice. And if there was ever a signal things were about to get serious—that was it.
Palms folded over her heart, Becca lay flat on the bench in the unused sauna and stared at the wood planks lining the ceiling. With the distinct aroma of cedar and eucalyptus surrounding her, she breathed deep and once again tried to separate herself from her emotions.
As of late, they’d been too persistent, too present, too gut-punchy.
She couldn’t think clearly when her insides were swamped with all the things she didn’t want to deal with. And right now, more than ever, she needed to hang onto her threadbare sanity with both hands.
The tension in her neck and shoulders unbearable, she rolled her head, and her gaze landed on the pile of smooth rocks waiting on the electric heater for the flicker of life that hadn’t yet arrived.
She could relate.
If she lived here, she’d use the sauna every day. If she lived here, those rocks would be hot, wet, steamy, used. Not cold. Dismissed. Shelved. Left wanting.
If she lived here?—
Stop! Stop thinking about it. There’s no if…no future…there’s only now.
And right now, she had to get her shit together.
With a silent huff, she lifted her chin, and head tilted back, she wobbled it from side to side. The cool wood pressed into her scalp, the uneven slats digging in and catching her hair on the rough edges. She wasn’t comfortable, but there was something grounding about the scrape, the pressure, the soothing scent wafting around her.
She’d discovered the quiet oasis sandwiched between the men’s and women’s locker rooms after Gray had busted her out of the planning meeting, leaving the squabbling members of the JTT behind.
Seemed like a good place to hide.
Forever.
No evil twin. No computer virus. No need to ever leave.
Oh God! The temptation. Her chest constricting, the steady beating behind her rib cage intensified to the point of painful hammering. She pulled some calm down into her lungs with another deep breath, and locking up her emotions, she tried to think logically.
Hard to do when her mind seemed determined to replay every word and every action from Jay—when it comes to your safety, I’m the only person who gets to decide—Mann. Who the hell did he think he was?
Her anger spiked, and if she clenched her teeth any harder, they’d break for sure.
She needed to find Maya. And fast.
Didn’t matter what Jay thought about it. Her sister had factored into every decision she’d made. Every thought she’d had. Everything she’d done in the last seven years had been weighed and calculated with the goal of capturing and imprisoning her twin.
Nothing had changed in that regard. Not for Becca.
Except her location—whereabouts still unknown—and the constant barrage of emotions she wasn’t equipped to handle. Not anymore. Not after all these years of suppressing her feelings, boxing them up, and locking them down.
Fuck. Not again. She brushed a tear from the corner of her eye.
Jay had mourned the loss of their baby just as Becca had.
Alone.
After years of carrying the hollow ache, of grieving for their daughter in silence, of covering the fissures deep in her heart. She didn’t know how to share the pain she kept buried beneath an avalanche of guilt and remorse. Didn’t know how to share her grief over the child she never held. Never nursed. Never mothered.
She gritted her teeth, swallowing the sob threatening to break free. She didn’t have time to fall apart. Not now. Not again. Not like she had in Jay’s arms. God, being vulnerable had hurt. So much. Too much.
