Page 65 of Take Me to Church
And now it has.
"It's not as soft as your bed, but I guess it's better than the twin I have in my apartment, so I'm not going to complain." Her reply lacks a little of the enthusiasm I was hoping for.
I tip my head, looking down at where her face is pressed against my chest and find her grinning up at me. "You need to make it more obvious when you're giving me shit."
"Wouldn't that defeat the purpose?" She cuddles a little closer, obviously pleased with herself.
I stroke down the arm she has draped across my middle, closing my eyes to savor this moment. "Not my purpose.” I tuck the blankets around her, making sure she’s well covered as the air conditioning kicks on, blowing from the floor vent right next to us. “Did you hear everything you wanted to earlier?"
Lydia's quiet for a minute, her silence making me peek her way again. Her expression is somber. "I’m sorry. I just—” She pauses, lips pinched. “I had to be sneaky for a long time. It was the only way to know what was going on and keep them from knowing what I was thinking of doing. Otherwise I would've ended up just like Myra."
The reminder of how her life could have been sits hard and heavy in my gut. And it’s far more powerful than the guilt I'm feeling over admitting to my brothers what Simon, Tate, and I have kept from them.
I want to feel bad about it. And I do. But I would feel worse about not helping all the women we've saved over the years.
Women like Lydia and Myra and Stella, the owner of The Cellar.
"Do you feel like you have to be that way with me?" I understand why Lydia is the way she is, but it directly impacts my ability to keep her safe. She's said one thing to my face and done something completely different on more than one occasion, and I can't allow it to continue going forward. Not when Rodney's associates are still looking for him. Still trying to figure out where he's at and what led to his disappearance.
"No, but it's not easy to stop." Lydia's sighs. "Lots of things aren't easy to stop."
"Like what?" I want to understand her. Know her inside and out. I crave that connection. That closeness. Been waiting for it my whole fucking life. And it only got worse the more it was paraded in front of me. I was happy for my brothers, but I wanted to be happy for myself too.
"Like everything." One graceful hand catches a strand of her hair twisting it around a finger. "I thought I would get away and everything would be different, but it wasn't. I wasn't part of the IGL anymore, but I was still so afraid of doing something wrong. Of blatantly going against what they wanted me to think and do. It felt like I was going to get in trouble. Like they were going to catch me even though no one was here to see what I was doing."
"For twenty years you had to watch everything you said and did to avoid being punished. Twenty years of trauma doesn't just go away." I know. I've been fighting my own. Doing everything I can to convince myself I'm better than they claimed I was, even though I proved them right for a lot of years.
Lydia's eyes lift, her head shifting against the bare skin of my chest as she looks up at me. "Is that what you think it is? Trauma?"
"You were threatened every day of your life, Lydia. Told if you didn't act the right way, say the right things, wear the right clothes, you were going to burn for an eternity." I pull her a little closer, trying to smother away the anger brewing inside me. "If that's not trauma, I don't know what is."
Lydia's eyes stay on my face for a second as her lips press together. "Why did you leave? If it wasn't to go be a preacher, then what was it?"
"I was competition." Going back to that time isn’t as painful as it used to be, but it still stings. "And they knew I didn't think like they did. They knew I wouldn't continue to perpetuate the same fucked-up ideas they rely on.”
Up until that day, I was young and stupid enough to believe I could change things. That once I became a man I could show everyone around me how wrong they had it. But that went against their agenda, and there was no way Ansel Parks was going to let that happen.
"Your father came to my father and told him I couldn't be around your family anymore because I was a bad influence. I'd told your brother I didn't think the way they treated women was right. I'd seen what it did to my mother and my older sister and I knew how fucked-up it was. I thought Jeremiah could help change things with me, but it turned out that wasn’t what he wanted."
Jeremiah’s betrayal was the worst part of the whole thing. Realizing someone I thought was my friend would throw me under the bus so easily nearly broke me. Made it hard for me to really trust anyone for a long time.
Hell, maybe it still does.
Lydia's sweet and soft expression goes stony, her eyes narrowing at me in the shadowy darkness of my office. "I wish I could say I’m surprised, but I'm not." Her lip curls. "He's just like my father."
I already had my suspicions about who put their hands on Lydia when they started to notice she was pulling away, but her reaction confirms it. "He should probably hope our paths don't cross. Because I have a few scores to settle with him."
Lydia's chin tips up a little more, hinting at the defiant spirit I know she carries. "Me too."
I love seeing the fight in her—especially since she’s worked so hard to keep it hidden from everyone else—but the thought of Lydia putting herself in a dangerous situation steals any enjoyment I might have. "I don't want you trying to take them on, Lydia. Them, or anyone else. That's my job."
I expect her to agree, but Lydia barely shakes her head, rocking her cheek against my pec. "I can't make that promise."
It's the honesty I've been hoping for, asked for, but it is not what I want to hear. And unfortunately, I can't argue with her, because I don't want her to go back to shutting me out. To telling me what I want to hear in spite of her actual plans. "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it."
Lydia's lips pull into a slow smile. "I vote we burn that bridge when we come to it."
A laugh springs free at the unexpected vitriol in her tone. "I think I like this ruthless side of you. It's sexy as hell."
