Page 71 of Rookie Season
As I walk toward the bay, I think of my childhood therapist and wonder how long it's been since I had a session. Probably a year. After my parents were killed, I saw my therapist twice a week, and it was one of the best things Andie ever did for me. Then it went to once a week, then once a month…then yearly check-ins. I didn’t think I needed it anymore after graduating from college, but clearly, I was wrong.
Pulling out my phone, I shoot a text to Dr. Lamb, asking if we can schedule a virtual session. Glancing at the time, I realize it’s eight in the morning now. I’m sure my sister has just arrived home from dropping the girls off at school, so I call her.
“Noah, hey!” she answers.
“Hey,” I say, my voice sounding strange to my own ears.
“Everything okay?”
“Yeah,” I breathe out on a sigh.
“Noah,” she coaxes, knowing me all too well. “What’s going on?”
Her soft tone has me spilling my question in a rush. “I was wondering…do you ever worry?”
Andie huffs out a laugh. “Of course. Everyone worries.”
“No, I mean…do you ever get anxious about something happening to Mitch or the girls? You know, because of the way Mom and Dad died.”
There’s a pause. “Yeah. I do.” Her voice is softer now, the way Mom’s used to get when I’d had a bad day. “Mitch knows to text me whenever he arrives somewhere or whenever he’s on his way home. That helps.”
I clear my throat. “Do you ever…,” I scratch the back of my neck, searching for the words. “I don’t know, avoid getting close to people in case they die or get hurt or something?”
“Oh, Noah,” she says. “Do you feel that way? Did you meet someone?”
I shake my head, feeling stupid. The question sounded so dumb when I asked it out loud, and I wish I could take my words back.
“Nah, I was just curious,” I lie. “We haven’t talked about Mom and Dad in a while.”
“I’m sorry, I’ll make a point to bring them into conversation more, okay? Not a day goes by that I don’t think about them, that I don’t miss them.”
“Yeah,” I choke out. “Me too. Hey, I gotta go, I’ll talk to you later, all right?” This conversation is making me more raw than I was ready for.
“Sure,” she says. “And Noah?”
“Yeah?”
“Don’t let your worries or your fears stop you from living the life that was meant for you. If I lost Mitch, God forbid, I’d be devastated, but ultimately I’d be so glad I got to love him and be with him for however long we had.”
I try to swallow, but my throat feels like sandpaper. What Andie’s saying is terrifying, but deep down I understand the logic to her words. And while that familiar feeling of fear still niggles at the back of my mind, I know that maybe the best way forward today is to try and fight through that feeling. Do something that will lighten the emotional load Ally and I are carrying, even temporarily.
And that’s when I get an idea.
“Hey, Andie?” I ask. “Is Mitch there?”
“He is,” she says, a note of suspicion in her voice.
“Can I speak to him?”
Because no matter what our pasts are scarred by, or our futures may or may not hold, today I am going to focus on being in the present.
Being withher.
CHAPTER 30
ALLEGRA
Growing up,I always wanted a dad. I didn’t care about knowing my biological father—I always have and always will consider him little more than a sperm donor—but I wanted an actual father figure who would love both me and my mom well.
