Page 76 of Rookie Season
“Have you told Ally what happened to your parents? Have you let her in?”
“I have. She’s so easy for me to talk to…she sees me in a way no one else does. Like she understands me somehow.” I glance down at my wrist and use my opposite hand to spin the purple hair tie around. “Everything is great when we’re together. But I hate the anxiety that creeps in when she’s not home. And today it’s especially bad, because I have to leave tonight—the first time I’ve had to travel for hockey since we got together—I hate feeling out of control with worry. It’s like I’m eleven all over again.”
“Have you tried the breathing exercises when you’re feeling anxious?” he asks.
“Yeah, they’re not helping.”
“Next time the anxiety is overwhelming, try closing your eyes and reminding yourself of what’s concrete. What’s certain. Things like the chances of dying in a car accident are one point zero five percent, or maybe reminding yourself Ally is a very cautious driver.”
“Okay, I’ll try that,” I say. Ally seems like she’d be acautious driver…maybe I’ll have her drive next time we go on a date so I can see for myself.
“You should also talk to Ally about this.” He raises his eyebrows slightly. “Keep letting her in, keep communicating. Try not to fall into those old forms of self-preservation. You’re a good man, Noah. Too good to go through life not allowing anyone to get close to you. And Ally seems awfully special.”
I smile. “She is.”
Dr. Lamb and I talk for a moment longer, catching up, and agree to start meeting once a month to check in.
When I close my laptop, I smooth my hand over Harry’s fur. I’m nervous to leave Ally alone here, and intrusive thoughts of someone breaking in, or her needing help and me being far away, have my stomach tightening. Before I can think too much about it, a loud knock comes from the other side of the door, causing Harry and I to startle.
“Ally! You home?” Penn’s muffled voice asks.
I glance at Harry with my eyes wide, not knowing how to respond. He blinks slowly, unhelpful as usual.
He knocks again. “Ally? Please, please tell me you’re home. I need to borrow your tweezers.” A long pause. “See, I’m hoping to score while we’re traveling…if you know what I mean.” He chuckles and I roll my eyes. “But no one will want me with this unibrow.”
Clearing my throat, I slide off the bed and pad to the door, swinging it open to keep Penn from humiliating himself even further.
“She’s at work,” I say to a stunned Penn.
“Why the hell are you in her room?” He’s more confused than angry.
I shrug, crossing my arms. “Smells nice in here.”
Penn arches an eyebrow, his eyes landing on the hair tiestill snugly secured around my wrist. He snorts a laugh. “Right. Okay, Downsby.”
As I shrug past him, I notice he doesn’t follow me or pester me for answers…he just lets me go. Penn allowing me to have my space has never bothered me before, but after my talk with Dr. Lamb, I can’t help but wonder if he lets me have space because I never talk to him. I’ve never let him past the surface. And Penn has been by my side constantly over the last four years of my life. He’s always had my back, always talked to me about everything going on in his life.
At this moment, it’s crystal clear to me that Penn’s friendship means a lot to me. More than I’ve ever let on or even allowed myself to believe. These people I live with in 3B, Ally, Penn, and Fisher…they’re my tribe. My support system. My little family. And I’ve been a shitty part of it.
I want to change that, to be better. Opening myself up isn’t going to be easy, but just like the session I just had with Dr. Lamb, I know deep down it’s what I need. Not just for me, but for them, too. I owe it to them.
CHAPTER 32
NOAH
That eveningwhen I board the plane for my team’s flight, Penn flops down in the seat beside me. We’re quiet during takeoff, which isn’t unusual for a long flight. The guys tend to chill and get some rest when we’re in the air, but my interaction with Penn earlier—and my vow to be a better friend—is still playing in my mind. To the point that when we’re finally at cruising altitude, I find myself speaking up.
“I was talking to my therapist.”
“Huh?” Penn turns to face me, his expression confused.
“Earlier. You asked me what I was doing in Ally’s room when she wasn’t home. I was talking to my therapist.”
Penn looks shocked as all hell for a moment by my random admission, before he blinks slowly, screwing up his mouth to the side like he’s thinking carefully about what he wants to say.
“Listen, I wasn’t trying to make things weird. I know you like your solitude and all that.” His eyes flit down to his lap. “But you know I’m your best friend, right? If you ever want to talk…about anything. I’m here.”
I’m stunned for a second, then I nod. This is the perfect moment to work on being a better friend, to be…vulnerable.I hate that word.
