Page 16 of Rock Bottom
In my heart, though, I knew that couldn’t work. I’m not one or the other. I’m both. Also, neither. Not fully.
I’ve worked through all my baggage, so it isn’t like I’m fucked because I’m DSD, but I’m fucked because no one has ever been able to accept all sides of me in a romantic relationship. My bandmates have, my parents, my brother — but I wanted to find my true love.
Could Julian be that for me? With his work schedule, I wasn’t certain he could, but I was willing to see where this went.
So, I made sure I was in my room at six, so I could talk to Julian.
“Can I be invited back to your place after our next date if we enjoy each other’s company and wish to proceed?” Julian could be so formal sometimes, but I assumed it was an Italian thing, so I didn’t mention it.
“Yes, I’d like that.”
“I’ll be bringing my own things this time, in a small bag. A cock flogger, a disposable cane, and a number of other things, but I believe we’re ready for this level.”
“No bondage yet, but I’m good with what you’ve said.”
He was silent a few seconds before saying, “I look forward to building enough trust for bondage. You’ll let me know when I’ve earned it.”
His voice was calm, as always, and I appreciated his wording, acknowledging trust is earned and I wasn’t just obligated to agree to anything I wasn’t comfortable with.Once upon a time, I let just anyone tie me up, but over the years I’ve found my power as a submissive. The Top operates within the boundaries I agree to. Period. Any Top who isn’t okay with that can take a hike.
In the beginning, I thought I had to be okay with what any Leather Daddy demanded, and that’s not the case. It might be for others, but not for me.
“I will certainly let you know.”
“I have some possibly sensitive questions. I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable, but I need to know.”
“Ask.”
“When you’re feeling masculine, does it mess things up to have your pussy stroked, fingered, or fucked?”
I was quiet while I figured out how to word my answer, and he said, “I’m afraid I need some guidance, even if you don’t want to answer.”
“I know. It’s a valid question. I’m just trying to figure out how to explain it so you understand. I mean, yeah, it’s kind of a switch, so I go from being a man to being an XXY, you know? From boy to both. It isn’t that the scene is gone, it’s just different. As you get to know me and my moods, my personalities, you might choose to focus only on my boy-parts, or you might want to bring the girlie bits in to soften me a little. As the Dom, that’s your choice, but yeah, it does change things.”
“Thank you for the detailed explanation. Another question. Has anyone ever made you cry during a scene? Not emotional tears, but tears from pain, and I get there are lots of emotions involved in that as well, but it’s still two different things.”
“It is, and I believe I understand the question.” I sighed. “It isn’t an easy answer, once again.” I rubbed a hand over my face. “When I’m in soft girl mode, it isn’t actually that hard to make me cry, and it’s damned cathartic, so it isn’t a bad thing.When I’m a man, though? It’s never happened. You had my eyes watering, and even that’s rare.”
Fuck, I wasn’t ready to go here yet, but with the questions he was asking, I needed to be clear on it.
“I refer to my multiple personalities sometimes, but I don’t have MPD. It’s nothing like that. Long ago, a psychiatrist arranged for some bloodwork when I was fully into being a boy — hard cock, spanking and flogging a girl, fucking her. The following week I gave another blood sample when I was fully in girl mode, completely submissive, the one who is penetrated rather than the one who does the fucking. My hormones were completely different. Mostly, I just have androgens…”
Fuck. I blew out a shaky breath and continued. “Okay, I don’t have balls, so I don’t make as much testosterone as a normal male, but I still make it, and while I’m in boy mode, I make more. When I’m in girl mode, I make more estrogen. Mostly, I always have too many androgens, but my body mostly ignores them…”
Fuck. Why does my body have to be so complicated to explain? I took a breath and dove in. “Okay, there’s mild androgen insensitivity syndrome, partial androgen insensitivity syndrome, and complete androgen insensitivity syndrome. I’m like, somewhere between partial and complete, so I have a small penis and a short vagina, but everything works like it’s supposed to for sex. I mean, I can’t get pregnant, but otherwise, it all works. A lot of intersex people end up with nonfunctioning parts, and I guess I kind of won the lottery because I have a dick and a twat that both work. No balls, but that means I get a labia, so my pussy looks normal.” Or as normal as it can look stuck behind a dick.
“I believe you’re saying your hormones fluctuate depending on your attitude, so it isn’t a personality disorder, but your physical body responding to the hormone levels?”
I breathed out in relief. “Yes. Thank you. I was making it more complicated than it has to be.”
“I’m happy for the extra details,” he said, his voice warm. “I’m sorry I stressed you with the question. I look forward to getting to know both sides of your personality.”
“Thank you for that,” I said, softer than I meant to. “I learned it doesn’t work for me to fall for either a gay or a straight guy. They need to be bisexual. Gay men think they can just order me to be a boy all the time, and straight men get freaked when I’m no longer the submissive little obedient girl.”
“You mentioned fucking a girl when the blood was drawn. I assume this means you sometimes date girls?”
I wrinkled my nose. “I started out with girls. Lost my virginity to one when I was seventeen. Intersex people are often late bloomers, going through puberty a little later. It took me a couple of years to figure out I prefer men whether I’m being a girl or a boy.”
“While we’re on the subject of your blood, I noted somethingoffa little, after our scene, and I made a note to talk to you about it later, since it wasn’t terribly off, just a little, but your skin was saltier than expected.”
