Page 71 of A Shimla Affair
But now the time had come, and an even greater fear overtook me, because what now? What is the beginning and the end of it? It is so much easier to live a life wishing for something, than to find out that you can actually do it—and then having to live through the consequences of it.
I lay in a pit of my own doing, staring at a blank spot on the wall. Moments from my childhood played in my head, when I could imagine growing up and living a beautiful, glamorous, life. Here I was, sitting on the floor covered in another man’s blood. All the time I had been fighting, I had thought I was being a hero, that I was going after some greater purpose. I believed I was winning freedom for those masses who were too scared to move, to act. In my innocence and naivety, I had taken on the role of a revolutionary without having a sense of what that could fully imply. Perhaps this is where the world of the talkies and the world as it were, differed. This was life, and there would be no end credits rolling here, no going back to reality when the lights came back on.
Underneath all the passion had been the sneaky hope that they would cheer my name for what I was willing to do, for what I was willing to stake. I was hoping, despite all, that the nobility and the generosity with which I fought would be a cause for inspiration and celebration, even fame.
Nothing could be further from the truth, and the realization of that relieved me of the burden that I felt I had been carrying around for weeks, months, maybe even all of my life. How dare I even entertain the thought that I was special enough, brave enough, selfless enough to serve the cause of freedom to this extent? I was nothing more or less than what my circumstancesmade me, just like everyone else. There was no heroism in my acts, no heroism in taking hostage a bunch of men and threatening them, even taking their lives. If there was anything, then perhaps it was only simple, unfortunate duty.
The awareness rose in my chest in waves. But, before it could drown me completely, Afreen brought me back.
‘Pull yourself together, Nalini, Noor needs you, we need you!’
At the name and voices of my sisters, I forced myself to get up, and came outside, tying my sari on the side. I had now come too far to have any regrets hold me back.
I went over to where the hostages lay and pulled the Viceroy by the collars of his shirt, bending close to him. I had a menace inside of me which bubbled wildly on the surface. ‘You want to go the same way as your friend, old man?’
The Viceroy shook his head slowly and indicated with his eyes to the gag. I pulled it down.
‘Then why won’t you agree to our demands? Tell the Lord Commander that you are the head, and that you agree to what we ask!’
He got a determined look. ‘I will.’
‘Oh?’
He sighed and, in that second, looked a shadow of the man he had been before entering our ballroom. ‘It’s become increasingly clear to me that this whole enterprise has not been about saving us, but about saving face. The only reason they don’t want us to die is because it would make Britain look weak. It is a humbling realization, I have to say, when you give all your life to a service, your youth, your holidays—all your life, even your marriage—and you find out they don’t care. Or that they care if you live or die only as far as it affects them. And then when you have hadsome time to dwell on what your life has amounted to, you see what matters. I see you, putting your life on trial for a rightful, yet evasive freedom, and here my life, the lives of those outside, built on a bed of power, injustice and oppression.’
I stared deep into his eyes, and while he seemed sincere enough, there was no way to tell if he meant what he said.
‘Arrange for talks with the Lord Commander,’ the Viceroy said. ‘This time he will come here, alone and unarmed. And he will speak with me.’
26
It took some hours of preparation until we could find a way that everyone would agree on. We refused to meet outside because there was no way for us to trust Ripon again. Ripon refused to enter the hotel unarmed in case we took him hostage as well. Finally, a compromise was reached: the meeting would be held at the entrance to the hotel, just before the foyer in the space that had once been Begum Jaan’s Oriental Bazaar. We would block the view of the rest of the foyer, and Ripon would be accompanied by one armed guard. The Viceroy would be joined by Ratan Babu, armed, and me, unarmed. Charles, as a neutral observer and hostage, would observe the proceedings, unarmed.
Afreen would stay behind to care for Noor and keep an eye on the hostages. She held me by the arm tightly. ‘Is Charles on our side?’
I nodded.
‘Go in, negotiate. But don’t give in. Don’t give up what is most important.’
We all knew that a lot was riding on this meeting. We had given up everything, every part of us, every second of our life had led us up to where we were today. We had given up ourvery souls. Beeson’s withering face haunted me every moment and perhaps would continue to all my life. After today, after all we had done, we would have nothing left. It didn’t matter if we emerged victorious or not. Too much had been sacrificed to ever find a way back. There could not be a way back. There never is, for life is a series of actions and its consequences and a wish to return to the past is sheer, impractical nostalgia.
Up close, Ripon looked ugly and menacing, like an angry hound. His earlier fake display of calm, when he had conspired to bomb us to the ground, had disappeared entirely. Now he was a man who bore the troubles of an empire, quite literally, and he no longer seemed to be handling it with composure. Standing tense, he stuck close to his bodyguard, a tall, white man with a gun that could kill every single person in the room in one go.
They seated themselves across from the Viceroy, who too seemed equally tense in another way. He wore the look of a man who had seen the face of the devil, the face of the truth, and didn’t know what to do with himself. But he lay his bound hands across the table and sighed in a way that made me think he was determined to change the world. He barely seemed to notice Ratan Babu’s presence behind himself.
Charles, his hands bound, sat with me on the third side of the table, watching Ripon’s guard carefully.
‘You know our three requests, Your Excellency, Lord Ripon,’ I said, using a professional tone, ‘and we believe them to be extremely fair. We don’t ask you to do anything extraordinary. Simply provide us with what is our due.’
Ripon placed a paper on the table in front of us and scrutinized it for some time before looking at all of us. He took his time to gaze at each of us individually, as if trying to figureout the cracks that we might betray, to see if there was still a twist to the story we had yet to reveal.
He cleared his throat, indicating the start.
‘It has been conceded by the Prime Minister’s office that, in exchange for the safe return of each kidnapped British person, and an unconditional surrender by all terrorists—’
‘We aren’t terrorists, but go on,’ Ratan Babu said.
‘We will provide the above-mentioned terrorists the right to a fair trial, dependent on their unarmed and peaceful surrender.’
