Page 74 of A Shimla Affair
‘We don’t have a way out,’ I announced, as Ratan Babu helped Noor to the sofa.
Charles didn’t wait for an explanation. ‘Well, you can’t stay here. They can come in any moment.’
‘We’ll use the hostages,’ Afreen said, ‘We’ll warn them—’
‘It won’t work! None of that will work … it’s too late.’
I looked around the room. I still didn’t understand why Begum Jaan had betrayed us like this. She had helped us plan our fight for India’s independence, for our father, for the very dignity of our souls. Then why would she trap us in here like this? Did something happen to her?
It terrified me to pieces when I thought of how beautiful life was, how much I enjoyed smiling and laughing and living with my sisters—to breathe the fresh mountain air, to greet people as they passed me by, to have a purpose that ran my life, to be able to love, even if that love did not reach fulfilment. If they shot me in the heart just now, all the life that I had nurtured over the years would be snuffed out so easily, like it never existed. In that moment, I knew that I didn’t want to stop living. I wanted freedom, honour, revenge, all that I had said before, but I also wanted to live. I wanted to love. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Charles being happy. I wanted to see my sisters live out their lives.
The thought was like a breath of fresh air. It opened my eyes and took away the darkness. Why should I give up now, after all that had been done? I wanted to live so badly, and I wouldn’t let these people take that away from me. I wouldn’t let these people take my sisters away from me. I wouldn’t let these people take my life away from me. Ekla cholo re, a voice whispered in my mind, and my father spoke to me.
In that moment of clarity, he told me what I had thirsted to hear all my life: that he was proud of us all and that he wished he could be here with us, he was sorry to have left us all alone. He said that freedom was beautiful, but so were moments with the people one loved the most. He said we had to make it out, leave and go far away, and that our actions would never be forgotten, that we will certainly leave our mark on history.
In turn, I asked for his forgiveness. I apologized to him for leaving our beloved Shimla like this, leaving the hotel he had so lovingly built, gunned down to its pieces. I apologized to him that, in our struggle for freedom against our oppressors, we had to give up so much.
So, when I looked up, ready for what I must do next, the love I bore made me go on. Not hate, revenge, or the quest for glory; no, love always overwhelmed these baser emotions.
Charles was shaking me out of my stupor.
I looked at him, then at the others. ‘We have to go out the only way left for us. From the front. They are willing to sacrifice the Viceroy, but they wouldn’t dare to do that in full view of everyone. If earlier we had to stay hidden to stay alive, now we must be seen.’
We had only minutes before the Lord Commander stormed in again. It would have to be fast. Without warning, all of usstepped out in the foyer, making the hostages come forward. The only person we left inside was Guruji—to be dealt with by Lord Ripon—but, when I turned to look back, I saw his head hanging limply to the side. Surprised, I went to him and saw remnants of potassium cyanide on his shoulder. Guruji was dead, I suppose he thought it a better fate.
Outside, the sky was bright and beautiful, silhouetted against which was the ugliness of the Commander-in-Chief and his army. This was the moment everyone would remember, that I hoped wouldn’t be forgotten for centuries to come. Crowds of people now stood behind the army at the gates, and they were yelling and cheering and going mad. They knew we wouldn’t give away the hostages if we didn’t have a sound chance of getting out alive. They knew the hostages were ouronlychance to get out alive.
We announced that we wanted two cars to carry us and the Viceroy outside the city borders. In return, we would give up the remaining hostages at the hotel garden. They granted us our attempt, thinking it to be futile. As we waited in the foyer, I cast one last look at the hostages and, in my mind, sent them an apology.It was never about you.
I felt completely exposed, appreciating the vulnerability of our body, and how it took so little,so little,to end everything for us.
It took quite a while for the cars to be let through the crowds and arrive in front of us. I could see some of the soldiers laughing. Where would we hide with the cars? As soon as we were away from the crowds, they would shoot at us all.
The Viceroy, Afreen and Ratan Babu entered one of the cars and Ratan Babu would be able to drive that one. I smiled at my sister and her husband, who held hands, still sweet and vulnerable, despite being strong and fierce. They were the truth, the real deal, the ones who were brave and worthy of respect, who deserved to live their lives fighting against injustice.
Charles joined Khushilalji, Noor and me in the other car, and he drove us.
Through the army, between the sepoys and the crowds of Shimla, the cars began to move.
I gave the hotel one last look and whispered a small goodbye. I hope to see you soon,I said to it. With all my courage and might and whatever was left of my will, we moved forward. Charles was driving us to what was our only chance of a life, and I stared at him with what I knew to be unconditional love.
‘Somewhere over the rainbow,’ I whispered to him, seeing his shaking hands on the steering wheel, ‘The skies are blue, and the dreams you dare to dream, really do come true.’ He smiled, and it broke my heart.
I never thought that everything that was wrong in this world could be solved by overthrowing the British. Perhaps the old masters will be replaced by the new ones. Perhaps we will participate in this oppression, knowingly, or unknowingly. Do chains ever end?
Yet, it was clear to me that none of it was in vain. That every drop of blood we spilt, every scratch on our bodies, every lost splinter of the beautiful Royal Hotel Shimla that had been home to us for years, would go down in the world bearing the marks of a battle fought for justice and freedom.
Lord, I hope you will forgive us, I hope you will remember that we had clean hearts. I hope you will remember that whatever we did, it was for our motherland, for the place we call home, for our dignity and integrity.
As the car went forward and the wind blew in my face, I knew it in my heart: we will build ourselves up again, when the time is ripe for it. Our names will not be forgotten, no matter the attempts of those who wish it to be so. This short chapter in history will see the light, when three women gave up everything they had to save their motherland. When they negotiated withthe most powerful man on the land and defeated him. We turned the town upside down and left right under their noses. We brought an empire to its knees.
We traversed through the crowds, and people started to come closer, trying to touch the cars, after a while even throwing themselves at us. Tears flowed through my eyes. They wanted to protect us. They wanted us to live. They wanted to hug us, the car we were in, with all the love they had to give.
I was looking out at the people, seeing their curiosities and joys and griefs, when I saw one of the faces in the crowd, staring at us in sorrow.
‘Why did you do it, Begum Jaan?’ I shouted out, still hurt, keeping my eyes fixed on her.
‘We want our own land, Bibi,’ she yelled. ‘I realized only later … withthisindependence, we can’t have our own land. We wouldn’t have time to negotiate it. But I only realized it later, when they told me I must stop your coup.’
