Page 126 of Next to Everything We Wanted
“I loved it! I’m happy to be back here, though.” Dina looked up at her mom. “I finally got my mom to take me on a shopping spree.”
Her mom beamed. “I had the week off and wanted to spend it with her.”
Longing filled my chest as I scanned their clothes. Last night had made me forget about Mom’s letter, but now my memorieswith her came back in full force. “That’s fun,” I managed to say, my voice tight.
Dina’s mom blinked at my change in mood, though Dina kept going on about the things they liked to do together. The more she talked, the more my chest ached. Mom had never taken me on shopping trips. We’d never done anything special together.
So why did I still want to know what she had to say?
“Have a bright day,” I told Dina and her mom as I put the receipt in the bag.
They both waved at me before grabbing the bags and heading out the door. Dina slipped her hand in her mom’s and smiled up at her, and her mom smiled back.
I waited for the pain in my chest to subside, but it never did. I knew what I needed to do.
After changing out of my work clothes, I grabbed the letter from my desk and picked up where I’d left off.
I’m not sure if you’ve kept up with my career. I have a Wikipedia page if you want to take a peek, but feel free to ask me any questions. I don’t remember if I told you, but I was the lead singer of a pop-rock band when I first met your dad. He was starstruck with me, in the front row of every gig. It was the true definition of young love.
Eventually, I wanted to marry him. But being married would be a big commitment. My band wasn’t making nearly enough money, and I could barely live in the apartment I shared with my roommate. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do.
Lead formed in my stomach. Had she regretted marrying Dad instead of staying in her band?
My band went on a hiatus. Ryder took this as an opportunity to propose to me, and I’d never said yes so eagerly. Planning our wedding was probably the best time of my life. We had so much fun, and I wish I could experience it all over again.
So, being pregnant with me wasn’t the best time of her life? I should’ve known, but having a confirmation hardened my heart toward her.
A few months after our blissful wedding, Ryder talked about starting a family. He never talked about having kids when we were dating or engaged, so it came as a shock to me. Deep down, I’d never wanted to have kids. I hated the idea of having to take care of a baby 24/7 and changing diapers. And, gosh, seeing babies spit up food was a big no.
Yeah, massive ouch, Mom.
Eventually, I liked the idea of having a little family. Having a kid would tie me to your dad forever, and I wanted that. I wanted to look at a human and see our features.
Part of my heart softened.
So, I went off birth control and?—
Oh gosh, was I about to be traumatized?
Well, you know how babies are made (at least, I hope your dad has told you by now). I’ll spare you the gory details.
Thank goodness.
When you were born, it was the happiest day of our lives. You had your dad’s eyes, something I was hoping for since his eyes were my favorite thing about him. They were so bright and happy, it made me burst into tears. You had my nose and my lips and reminded me a lot of my mom. I still replay the day in my mind.
The ten years I spent with you were amazing. But, as I said, I wasn’t the same after my parents died. They were always the biggest supporters of my dreams, so I decided to rediscover who I was before I married your dad and had you. I thought leavingwould be a good thing for me. And yes, I was only thinking about myself. I know, call me selfish. It was like when I was a teenager and thought the whole world revolved around me.
Only she was a grown woman with her own family.
My dreams didn’t turn out the way I thought they would. The new band I was in didn’t last long, so I resorted to working at record labels. Working at the first one wasn’t that fun, but it gave me the experience I needed to work at the second one. Working at the new label was a dream for a while—I’ve worked with so many big stars, I’m sure you’ve heard of a few of them—but it’s gone downhill the past few years. I’m not proud of some decisions I’ve made for my job, on top of realizing that I shouldn’t have left my family for this. I should’ve found a way to live my dream while still being with you and your dad.
Like I said, I acted like how I did when I was a teenager. Dumb, selfish, making decision after decision without thinking long-term. I lost the person I became, the person your dad helped me become.
Your dad has found it in him to forgive me, and I’m hoping one day you’ll do the same. Thank you for taking the time to read this and listen to my story.
Love,
Mom
