Page 54 of Smoke and Mirrors
Steeling myself with a deep breath, I pushed his door open and let myself inside. His head lifted up at first with surprise, then a dry smile crossed his face.
“You don’t know when to quit, do you, babe?”
25
MELODY
“I’ll never quit,” I answered, letting the door close behind me. “Not on you, no matter what you say. Because I love you, Connor.”
“Yeah?” he challenged, trying to sound tough but I heard the emotion crack through his voice. “What if I lose control and hurt you? Really hurt you. Would you still love me then?”
“Raz and Hunter won’t let that happen,” I crossed my arms. “So yes, I’ll still love you even if you lose control and I’ll try my damn hardest to get you any help you need.”
He gave me a long, lingering look, his forest green eyes examining me from head to toe. “Have you been with them?”
I nodded.
“Both?”
Another nod.
He let out a heavy sigh and let his head fall back again as he shut the TV off.
“Does that bother you?” I asked in the resulting silence.
“No,” he answered. “Rather the opposite. It gives me hope that we can still work, since you have them to balance me out. But,” he shook his head, “I’m not worth it, babe. I’m just dead weight at this point. I’ll drag y’all down so it’s better to just cut me loose.”
“I’m not doing that,” I said, gritting my teeth so hard my jaw already ached. “I am tired of you beating yourself down over this shit, Connor. I love you. You love me. Let’s be together. It’s that simple.”
“It’s not, babe. And you know it.” His hard stare bore through me. “I have to sell the trailer, and even then I’ll still be so deep in the red, bill collectors will harass me for life. I can’t perform without being in a world of pain. That pain is going to trigger worse and more vivid flashbacks. I am adangerto you, Melody. If you’re in the wrong place at the wrong time, I couldliterallykill you. Your life is at risk by staying with me.”
“I. Don’t. Care,” I answered, my vision blurring through the tears. “We’ll find a way. I don’t know how or when, but we’ll figure this out, Connor. I would do anything for you. Can’t you see that?”
“Why?” he demanded. “The country I fought for, and lost limbs for, had no problem discarding me after I returned home. My fiancee was happy to leave me for someone else. No one in my family could take me in because my disability was too inconvenient, plus I was another mouth to feed. Why doyougive a fuck about me so much?”
“Because I know you would do the same for me,” I cried, the tears spilling freely now. “If I pushed you away when I needed you, you’d make me come around to reason. I know you’re doing this to try and protect me from yourself, but you don’t need to! I have them to protect me,” I shot my hand back toward the door. “But they won’t need to either because I know the person you are, Connor. I know you would never hurt me…” I sniffed and wiped my nose, letting my tears fall freely to the tile floor. “You’re only hurting me right now by pushing me away.”
Only my sobs filled the room for several long moments. When I dared to look up at Connor, the pain on his face brought a fresh wave of tears to the surface.
“Fuck… Come here, babe.”
I ran to him, burying my face in his hospital gown and sobbed openly, letting out everything that weighed on me for the past several days. I almost forgot how thick and strong his arms were until they encircled me. I almost forgot how I could truly hide in the safety of him.
“What am I gonna do, babe?” he murmured, stroking my hair with a soothing hand. “You may love me now but what about later down the road when you inevitably hate me for being a useless piece of shit?”
“I could never hate you.” My voice muffled through his shirt. “I don’t care if you lose your arms, legs, or your mind. I am here for you because you were there for me.”
“What about my dick?” Of course he couldn’t resist such a joke to try lightening the mood.
I looked up at him through puffy, bloodshot eyes. “Hunter and Raz still have theirs.”
“Oh, right.”
My head flopped back down on his chest, neither of us saying more. His hardheadedness pissed me off so much and I felt like I was running out of strength to argue. I didn’t feel like I convinced him to stay, and he sure as shit didn’t convince me to leave. So here we were, at a standstill. Neither one of us giving an inch, yet unable to resist this connection between us. His arms felt like heaven around me and the way he stroked my hair told me how much he missed this. Missedus.
“Doesn’t this feel right?” I asked him, my voice raw. “Don’t you just want to stay like this forever?”
“Of course I do,” he muttered. “But I feel selfish to take all this love from you when you have two more deserving guys right outside the door.”
