Page 45 of Fearless
“Because for the first time in my life, I want something I can’t have.”
I closed the cut with only three small stitches. The silence felt heavy around us. I didn’t know how to respond. What were the odds of us thinking of the same thing? Of this weird tension between us? The potential future hethoughtwe couldn’t have?
When I went to put antibacterial ointment on his cheek wound, he grabbed my hand and held it. Gunner stared at me with his one beautiful, not-swollen eye in a way that was both intimate and uncomfortable.
“Are you happy, baby girl?” he asked in a soft voice, barely above a whisper.
“I don’t like seeing you hurt.” I pulled my hand out of his, continuing with my task of putting the ointment on his cheek. “I’m not terribly happy about a brotherhood that comes close to killing each other once a month.”
“You know what I mean,” he chastised gently. “Are you happy withthem?”
The silence after his question pressed in on us like an invisible, oppressive force. I didn’t know what kind of answer he was looking for, but I had a feeling he only wanted to confirm what he already believed. He wouldn’t listen to any other answer.
“Is my answer going to change anything?” I shot back. “Are you going to keep ignoring me if I tell you yes? Or will you try to swoop in and rescue me if you hear what you want to hear?”
He blew out a long breath, turning his face away from me. “So you really like having your variety, huh?”
“So what if I do?” I challenged. “You don’t want to be my friend if that’s the case? Am I too slutty now for you to hang out with?”
“Don’t,” he snarled, looking back at me with now a narrowed eye. “I didn’t say any of that. Of course I like you, I just…don’t like the situation. It feels like they’re using you.”
“That’s not what it is. They care about me, Gunner,” I said. “And I care about them. It’s confusing and weird, but I’m figuring it out because both of them are worth it to me.”
“What aboutyourworth? I don’t mean it like that.” He raised a road rash covered hand in a defensive posture in response to my glare. “I’m just saying you could be one man’s whole world, and you deserve that. Instead, you’re taking on two men part-time. Don’t you want someone who wants all of you?”
“What are we really talking about here?” I snapped off my gloves and crossed my arms. “Why does any of this even matter to you? I’m still the same person, no matter who, or how many guys I’m fucking. Butyou’vechanged, Gunner. Ever since you came back from Colorado, you haven’t treated me the same. Why? Tell me, because,” I drew in a shaky breath, “it fucking hurts.”
His gaze dropped, looking defeatedly at his bloodstained hands in his lap. “Because I can’t just be friends with you, baby girl. But I’ll never share you, either. All I can do is distance myself and hope what I’m feeling goes away. I’m sorry.”
I nodded like I understood, but that was far from the truth. I knew the meanings of the words he said, but I couldn’t understandwhy. Ironic, considering that just days ago, I felt utterly clueless about being with two men.
And it wasn’t like Jandro and Reaper weren’t enough for me. They just weren’t Gunner—the sweet, beautiful man who just dashed my hopes of anything between us, even a friendship.
“Can you get yourself home?” I asked as flatly as I could muster.
“Yeah—”
The word was barely out of his mouth before I turned and left the office.
Seventeen
MARIPOSA
The smell of coffee nearly dragged me downstairs before I became fully conscious. I pulled on a robe haphazardly, just noticing as I went out the door that I woke up in an empty bed. Reaper’s clove cigarette smoke reached my nostrils as I descended the stairs, mixing with the coffee aroma in an oddly pleasant way.
That smell was of him, I realized. The Steel Demons president, sitting at his massive kitchen table with his back turned to me. Steam and smoke circled around his head like an aura. My hands reached his shoulders and I bent to place a kiss on his cheek.
“Thanks for making coffee.” He didn’t respond right away, but those green eyes watched my every move as I poured myself a cup from the French press and took a seat next to him. “And for giving me space last night,” I added.
His chin lowered in the slightest hint of a nod. “Are you upset about what I did to Larkan?”
I sighed and took a sip of my coffee while thinking of the right words to convey my thoughts. “I don’t like it, but I can understand why you did it. You’re protective of Noelle and want her man to show you respect. I was more frustrated at you and Jandro vying for my attention while I was with patients. When I’m working, I need to focus on those whose lives are in my hands. I can’t be your arm candy and do my job at the same time.”
“Hmm.” A smirk pulled at his lips, eyes shining through the smoke as he dragged on the cigarette.
“What?”
“Nothing, sugar. I just love that you’re so straight with me.” He reached over to place a hand on my knee, making sure to touch my bare skin under my robe. “And that you care about what you do so much.”
