Page 18 of Painless
Her eyes lit up at the title and she gave a small smile. My heart squeezed in my chest. She really did love being his. Hell, she was a natural at the patching-in ceremony this morning. And I had to admit, Reaper and her looked good together. All three of them seemed to have an easy, natural dynamic. I was beginning to see it the more I looked. But trying to see where I fit in felt like sticking a square peg in a round hole. I adored Mari, and would’ve made her mine in a heartbeat if there had been no one else. But what could I possibly give her that she didn’t already have from those two?
“Can I be honest with you about something?” She had drifted closer to me and asked the question in a hushed voice.
“Always, baby girl.” Fuck, her eyes looked so pretty with the pool water reflecting in them.
“I don’t want Reaper and Jandro there while I’m getting tattooed.”
“Really?” I almost choked on my beer. “Why not?”
“You know how they are,” she murmured. “If my finger even twitches like I’m in pain, Reaper will go all crazy over-protective. Jandro will keep trying to make me laugh to distract me, and that could mess up the tattoo.”
“True enough,” I agreed. “Want me to be there with you?”
The look on her face proved that was exactly what she hoped I would say.
“Could you, Gun? If you’re not too busy? I feel like I can handle Shadow on my own, I’m just not sure how wellhe’llhandle it.”
“Consider it done,” I grinned. “I’ll make sure the whole thing is so painless, you’ll end up taking a nap.”
“Somehow I doubt that,” she mused skeptically, but returned my grin. “Thank you, Gun. I—” Her lips slammed shut, a deep, rosy flush filling her skin.
“You what?” I prompted. “Tell me, or we’re both going under.” I snaked my non-beer hand around her waist in a tight hold. She knew I was kidding, though.
“When something scares me, I just—” her heart brushed against my chest, betraying its rapid beating. “I feel safer, calmer, whenever you’re around.” She tilted her face up to look at me, almost resting her head on my shoulder. “That’s all.”
She said it like it was a silly, childish confession, but it meant everything to me. Here it was, the place where I could fit. The calm in her storm, her anchor and her safety. As she leaned on me, looking so damn kissable and perfect and mine, I started to think that this really could work.
“I miss you,” I confessed like a lovesick teenager. “It’s been a hell of a couple of weeks since our time in that cave, but I swear I haven’t been ignoring you, Mari.”
“I know,” she assured me, sliding an arm around my waist under the water. “Finding out who sent the drone took priority. I get it.”
“You haven’t been starved for attention, I’m sure.” It was meant to be a joke, but the words slipped out coated in my insecurities and doubts. “Sorry. Fuck, I’m sorry.”
All the smiles disappeared from her face. “I’ve missed you too, Gun.You, specifically. Yes, Reaper and Jandro are always there for me, and it feels nice. But that’s what I’m trying to tell you with this tattoo thing—you’re not all interchangeable to me. You’re all people I care about, but the three of you drive me fucking crazy for different reasons too.”
“You’re totally right and that was a dick thing to say. I’m sorry, it’s just—” I sucked in a tight breath. “Old habits, I guess. Which is no excuse, really. But it’s like I’m trying to unlearn everything I was taught my whole life, you know?”
Her expression softened. “Yeah, I get it. Me too. Although I guess it’s different for me, since I’m the one at the center of this whole thing. Sometimes it still hits me hard and I panic.”
“About what?”
“About being fair to all of you. I have to keep two, potentially three, men happy while you all just have me. Once I start to relax, I get hit with this worry that someone might feel neglected or ignored. I don’t want to hurt anyone like that, not ever.”
“I never thought about it like that,” I said, cocking my head. “It is a pretty big responsibility to put on you, huh?”
“One I don’t take lightly,” she replied solemnly. Only after she said that did a light, blissful smile spread on her face. “But it’s so worth it to me. I feel so loved, so cherished. Seeing how Reaper looks at me, how Jandro holds me—I feel like I’m made of sunlight and I just want to give that kind of love back to them, so they can feel it too.”
I want that.
Those three words hovered on the tip of my tongue, but never left my mouth. I didn’t just want that feeling she talked about, I wanted it from her, and her alone. I wanted to be a reason she smiled so big and glowed like a little ball of sunlight. Did it really matter that I wasn’t the only one who made her feel like that? Was it really so bad that she had the capacity to love more than one man at a time?
I wanted to tell myself no, it didn’t matter. But doing so felt like stepping off the edge of a cliff. It felt like putting my heart in a box without knowing if it would be thrown in a blender or looked after with care.
What the fuck did I even know what love was?
“I’m glad,” was all I could tell her. “That they make you feel that way. You deserve nothing less, baby girl.”
Mari’s eyes seemed to search me, like she was trying to figure out what I really meant to say. “I wasn’t trying to rub it in your face—”
