Page 47 of Painless
“Gun, these are beautiful.” I moved closer to inspect a wicked-looking machete-type of blade with a golden handle. The blade itself was inscribed with some kind of pictographs that looked hundreds of years old. “Where did you find these?”
“Here and there,” he shrugged. “That one at a market in Tijuana a couple years back. The guy tried to tell me it was Aztec, which is probably a load of shit. I knew it’d look nice on my wall, though. Got a good deal for it.”
I dropped down next to him on his low sectional couch, still taking in the artifacts on his wall. “So why the fascination with weapons?”
He propped his feet up on an ottoman, sinking low into the cushions. “I dunno. They gave me a sense of…control, I guess. Which I had so little of growing up. Every decision in my life, from the clothes I wore, to the people I hung out with, was predetermined for me based on my family name. It’s kind of morbid, but,” he laced his hands behind his head, “it’s fascinating to me, how many methods we’ve invented to fight. To defend ourselves.”
“To kill people,” I said.
“No, baby girl.” He looked at me. “I mean it when I saydefend.Weapons were invented out of the need to survive, and later, for protection. I’ve never killed anyone unless out of absolute necessity.”
“I get that, love, but,” I tried to choose my words carefully, so as to not make this an argument, “you can’t deny that weapons have been used to achieve terrible things since the Collapse. It’s how your uncle and General Tash rose to power, for instance.”
“You’re not wrong.” Gunner smiled gently, humoring me. “But against them, I’d rather have a weapon than not, wouldn’t you? To increase your chances of survival, even a little?”
“Sure, I guess.”
“This is why me teaching you this stuff is so important.” He slid an arm around me, drawing me in close. “‘Cause if some small-dicked fucker tries to touch my girl again, I want to give her the power to make him regret laying eyes on her. If I gotta arm my girl to give her a fighting chance? So fucking be it.”
I smiled at the protective growl in his words, remembering the surge of power and fearlessness that came from handling the weapons today. It filled me with a deep appreciation that he didn’t want to just protect me from danger, but give me the opportunity to protect myself.
I then traced the 2A patch on his cut, which he had yet to take off. “What does this have to do with it?”
“A well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed,”he recited.
“Pretty sure that document got shredded when DC got ransacked,” I pointed out.
“Sure, it’s not law anymore, but the idea behind it is why we’re alive and free to govern ourselves.” His lips brushed across my forehead. “And so many others aren’t.”
I nestled my head under his chin. “Do you think life will ever go back to the way it was before? You know, just…normal?”
“Nah.” He wrapped both arms around me. “I don’t ever want it to, honestly. The cycle will just start over again, and our great-grandkids will be in this same fucking mess a couple hundred years from now. Besides,” he squeezed around me, “I never would’ve met you in a normal, boring life.”
“That’s true.” I placed a kiss on his throat, shifting across his lap to get more comfortable.
Gunner’s Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. “Can I tell you something kinda fucked up?”
His pulse began to accelerate as I kissed his neck. “You can tell me anything.”
“I’m glad the Collapse happened. Not like I’m happy that people died, lost their homes, and rights and stuff. But I hated my life before. Sneaking off to ride with Reaper and Jandro on weekends was the only freedom I had. After everything went to Hell in a handbasket, it was like I could suddenly do anything I wanted. No one had control of anything, which meant my family couldn’t controlme.” His nose nudged against mine. “What kind of person does that make me, baby girl?”
I curled my legs up, wrapping my arms around his neck. “It doesn’t make you anything, Gunner. You’re just a person. Your story is unique, but so is everyone’s, in a way. If I could go back, I…I don’t know if I’d do anything different, to be honest.”
“You could’ve become a doctor.” His fingers lightly grazed over my back. “Delivered all the babies you wanted, get paid lots of money, married some rich guy who’d spoil the shit out of you.”
“Bo-ring,” I snorted. “Being a trophy wife is not for me.”
“Yeah, you’d rather run around with a bunch of outlaws?” He smiled against my cheek. “Deal with knuckleheads like us, when we just make your life harder?”
“Life is hard, regardless,” I sighed into his shoulder. “But I think the worse thing would be feeling alone. Not having a friend, family, or even an animal to care about you. That time between leaving Texas and meeting you was the darkest time of my life.”
A shuddering breath escaped me. I’d never told anyone this, not even Reaper. Gunner’s palm—running up and down my back in a soothing pattern—gave me courage I didn’t know I had, to voice a deep fear I never before had put into words.
“I wanted to lay down in the desert and give up so many times,” I whispered. “I’d fall asleep alone and hungry, wishing I wouldn’t have to wake up. I had nothing. No parents or family left. No friends after East Texas was annexed and everyone tried to flee. I didn’t even have a degree to validate my education.”
“I’m so glad you didn’t,” Gunner murmured against my temple, rocking me gently in his lap. “I’m so glad you’re here with us, baby girl.”
“The only thing that kept me going,” I clutched tightly to his shoulder, “was having patients to care for. Sometimes I’d be the only medic for miles, and I couldn’t leave people in pain or with treatable injuries. I had no one to turn to myself, but I wassomethingto complete strangers. So I couldn’t let myself stop. I couldn’t let anyone else feel as low as I was.”
