Page 78 of Painless
Not a moment later, his arms wrapped around my back and held me tightly.
Twenty-Five
MARIPOSA
Every Steel Demon wore somber expressions, their hands clasped in front of them. The only sounds floating over the desert were Andrea’s soft sniffs and cries. Noelle and Tessa stood on either side of her—each of them rubbing her back and arms. Tessa gently bounced her sleeping daughter strapped to her chest.
Dallas looked like he was sleeping. I knew nothing about preparing a body for burial, but I cleaned him as best I could, and dressed him in his favorite leathers. He was laid on a tarp on the ground, next to the hole dug that morning. His hands were folded on top of his broad chest, like I’d often seen him when he laid on the patio couches during the parties.
But this time his head wasn’t in Andrea’s lap, her gentle fingers massaging over his scalp, nor were his kids climbing all over him like a jungle gym. He was going into that hole in the ground. And he wasn’t coming back.
I held onto Reaper’s elbow, listening with my head bowed, as Gunner stepped up to recite a prayer from his worn-out Bible. His grandmother’s, he told me right before the funeral began.
I found myself latching onto innocuous details like that. Jandro stood on my other side, solemn face to the horizon. On the other side of him, Shadow’s dark eye kept looking skyward. I realized he was watching Horus circling above us.
The passage Gunner read told of sacrifice and faith, of the peace brought upon Dallas’s soul now that he was in his final resting place.
Next to me, Reaper’s muscles clenched.
When Gunner finished, Reaper gently removed my hand from his arm. He slowly went to stand in the middle of the semicircle his club made around Dallas’s body.
“You all probably know I wouldn’t have prepared anything to say, even though I felt I should.” His voice was rougher than usual. He barely got any sleep the night before, just fitful tossing, turning, and getting up to smoke on the balcony.
“The truth is,” he let out an exhausted breath, “there’s nothing I can say that’ll make this any better.” His eyes lifted to address his club. “Dallas shouldn’t have died. He’s gone because I failed to protect us. Don’t!” He raised a hand to silence the arguments ready to burst from twenty open mouths. “I ain’t gonna make this a pity party about me. It’s abouthim, and what he left behind.”
Reaper lowered his hand, resting it on his hip. “Dallas is someone we should all strive to embody. He was a true Steel Demon, living by the code we uphold,” he paused, “and dying by it.” He turned to look at the body in question. “He ran straight into the path of danger, of death, to protect what mattered most.” His eyes lifted to Dallas’s two children, clinging to Andrea’s legs. “His future. His legacy.”
Reaper rubbed the back of his neck, almost sheepishly. “I’ve asked every one of you, when initiated into this club, if you’d be willing to do what Dallas did. And every one of you has told me yes. Youmeantit. That’s why you wear the patch and ride next to me. I take your oaths seriously. But—”
His jaw clamped down, and I clasped my fingers together hard, fighting the need to run over, to hold him to me and let him release his grief. I understood now that it had to wait for a private moment. In front of his club, he had to be the strong, infallible president.
“But it doesn’t make it any fucking easier when it actually happens,” he forced out through clenched teeth.
I blinked back tears and released a shaky exhale. Jandro rubbed his palm into my lower back.
“I’m not changing your oaths.” Reaper’s eyes scanned the men standing before him. “I’m not saying this fucking hurts too much to happen again, because it will. I’ll do everything in my power to prevent losing another brother, but I only have so much control. Weknowthis is a risk of the life we lead. So I want you to ask yourselves honestly,” he lifted his chin. “Do you still want to wear the Steel Demon on your back, knowing you could be the next one in the ground?”
The wake followingDallas’s burial was just as somber, if not more so, only with alcohol. Everyone poured a bit of their first drink out for their fallen brother, but no one seemed able to muster up the good cheer to celebrate his life. His loss brought a dark cloud over a sunny, warm day.
I wiped at the sweat trickling down my neck, eyeing the empty pool. But it didn’t feel right to strip out of my floor-length black dress. I piled my hair up in a bun and my upper back was bare, save for the thick layer of sunscreen over my tattoo. I wanted to make sure it was visible today, even though it was still healing, to show my support for Reaper in case any of the other guys started having doubts about their oaths.
As everyone milled around the patio, I stayed by his side, touching him in small ways. His face remained stony as he chatted with his men, but his thumb stroked over my ring every time he held my hand. When I wasn’t looking at him, I watched the sun move slowly over the sky, counting the moments until we were alone and he could let his guard down.
Toward the end of the day, as people finished paying their respects and began to head home, he tugged me toward Andrea.
“I’ll need your help with this,” he murmured, brushing a kiss across my forehead.
“What do you need me to do?” I whispered.
“Just be with me,” he sighed and squeezed my left hand, caressing over the ring again until he kneeled in front of Dallas’s widow. Releasing his hand, I took a seat next to her on the couch.
“Andrea.”
Her tears had stopped hours before, but her face was still puffy. Eyes vacant. Her fingers were limp as Reaper took them in his hands.
“You’ll always have a home with us, if that’s what you want,” he said gently. “You don’t have to decide now, but you and your children will always have our protection. Just say the word and the Demons are yours.”
I rubbed my palm along her back. Understandably, she didn’t react to Reaper or me.
