Page 83 of Heartless
My panicked gaze swept across the floor littered with his things. It was so dark, I could only make out rough shapes, but one bright object gave me all the answers— the bottle of his sleeping pills.
Oh no. Oh, Shadow!
The orange container had fallen off of the nightstand—which now lay in pieces on the other side of the room. His pills scattered along the floor, the bottle on its side against the baseboard. He must have forgotten to take one last night. It was the only explanation for this.
My sweet, brave man was in the grips of a nightmare.
“Fuckingstop!” he bellowed, falling to his knees with his hands over his face. “I didn’tdoanything!” His chest wracked with a sob, a sound that made my heart shatter and want to run over and hold him, to love and soothe him. I went so far as to take three steps, my hand outstretched, before stopping myself and shrinking back against the wall.
Fifteen minutes.I remembered what Jandro told me when I first heard Shadow having a nightmare. These episodes only lasted for about fifteen minutes. Getting close to him during that time was dangerous, as Jandro had learned. I had to stay quiet and let the night terrors run their course. Then I’d havemyShadow back.
But it killed me to do nothing, to just watch him suffer instead of shaking him into awakeness. Every part of me yearned to touch him, to remind him that I was here and that he was safe. It went against every one of my instincts to do nothing, even if the suffering he endured was in his mind and no longer his body.
Shadow stayed on his knees, hands covering his face for a few long minutes before I started scooting out from my hiding place. He seemed calmer now that a bit of time passed since his last outburst. Maybe it was over.
My eyes drifted to his cut, now discarded on the floor. I reached for the soft leather, feeling around until I found one of the daggers he always kept hidden, just to protect myself if necessary. I hated that it was the same type of weapon that triggered him, but it was all I had.
I approached him slowly, the weapon low and slightly behind me so as not to alarm him with the sight of it.
“Shadow?” I called tentatively from several feet away.
His gaze snapped up to me, but there was no recognition in his eyes. He scowled cruelly, an expression I’d never once seen him wear. On his face, the same one I couldn’t get enough of kissing, such a scowl looked downright terrifying.
“What do you want from me, bitch?” he ground out, the bitterness in his voice making him sound like a completely different person. “Haven’t you taken enough already?”
“Shadow,” I gasped, my heart now withering at how harshly he spoke to me. “It’s me, Mari. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I’m not falling for that again. Just leave me alone.” He curled up into himself, arms wrapping around his knees like a child would.
I have to get out of this room, I realized.
He hadn’t lashed out physically yet, but now I understood why Jandro locked him in his room back in Sheol. Shadow was wildly unpredictable in this state, his body curled up and muscles coiled so tight, like the smallest thing could set him off.
I pressed myself against the wall, following its path as I took slow steps heading for the door. He looked so sad but I couldn’t help him, not while he was like this. When I reached the far corner of the room where my clothes had been discarded the night before, I hurriedly stepped into my underwear and jeans, keeping my eyes locked on him until I reached for my shirt. I had to set the blade down and did so without a sound, but the reflection of silver metal must have caught his eye.
Shadow’s head snapped over to me, and he moved before I could blink. My mind could barely register his hand around my throat, the force with which he swung his arm and took me with him. The pain, the squeezing. The sudden lack of air making my lungs cry out. None of it could be real, not from him.
Shadow would never hurt me.The thought screamed in my head as I crashed to the floor, my forehead pounding as I tried to orient myself, tried to get away.This isn’t him.Cruel fingers closed in my hair and yanked my head up as I screamed.
“Shadow, stop!” I cried, clawing desperately at his arm and fist. “Wake up!”
He pulled my head back by my hair, his grip callous and the angle of my neck so painful I thought it might break. Then he shoved me down as he released me, my forehead and nose slamming on the floor with pain that rattled my skull. Wetness coated my face, getting into my mouth and clogging my sinuses as I coughed and struggled to breath.
The weight of his grip came down on my head again and I fought desperately to scramble away across the floor, but he pulled me back, hair yanking painfully from my scalp.
“No, no, please! Help!”
Shadow pulled my head to the side, forcefully turning my whole body over onto my back. I let out a choked cry at the sight of him above me, pain stabbing through my head and whole body from his abuse. My heart felt just as abused, tearing, pulling, and screaming over this heartless man I didn’t recognize.
The same eyes that watched me so carefully for any discomfort now radiated pure hatred. The same hands that pleased me so thoroughly were now instruments in hurting me as much as possible. Nothing hurt as much knowing the same person was capable of two such extremes.
“How does it feel?” he asked cruelly, lifting my head once again to let it thump back on the floor. “To be trapped and bleeding? To feel small and helpless?”
“Shadow, please…” I wheezed, coughing on the blood that trickled into my mouth from my nose, only to feel his other hand clasp around my throat.
“I’ve always wanted to do this,” he continued, fingers pressing into my flesh. “To make you suffer as I have.”
“HELLLP!” I screeched at the top of my lungs, knowing I wouldn’t have a voice for much longer. “Somebody help me!”
