Page 12 of Senseless
“Can you read and write?”
I observed my cell some more, noticing a short stack of books in another corner. Loose papers were tucked between the pages. Oh yes, I remembered now. If I went over there, I’d find a small groove in the floor where I kept a pen. I used it to practice writing, copying sentences from the books. I’d had it for years and it ran out of ink a long time ago, but it was the only one I had, so I kept it. I just pressed hard to make indentations in the paper.
“Yes,” I answered Doc. “I’m…teaching myself how. So I must be around thirteen.”
“And how do you feel right now?”
“I feel…sad. Hungry. Lonely. I…” I resumed my breathing as he taught me, using it to navigate this other overwhelming need I didn’t have words for at the time. “…Iwantsomething. No, someone.”
“Can you tell me more about that? Are you wanting a particular person? Or more of a general wanting someone to keep you company?”
“No…I mean, I wish someone, anyone, was with me. But there is a person I want too.”
“Who is that?”
“I don’t know…I can’t…”
It was justthere, the person I wanted to see. Like someone was standing on the other side of a thick fog. I knew they were there, but I had to reach. My mind couldn’t seem to—
“Fuck!” I jolted away when her face broke through into sharp clarity.
“Ivan, what is it?”
She appeared out of thin air, like a ghost, standing just outside of my cage. I could feel myself shrinking back against the wall, fear riding my system as she casually spun a knife in her hand. But it wasn’t just fear, it was immense relief. A feeling so sweet, I wanted to cry.Finally, she came to see me!
The past feelings of relief rolled through me alongside the current ones, like oil floating on top of water, existing together but never able to mix. Ihatedher, hated that I had been waiting like a desperate puppy for her attention again, when she always just came to hurt me.
A violent anger simmered, held back on a tight leash by my breathing and this metal chair restraining me.How could you?I wanted to say to her.I never did anything to you. Ineededyou, and you left me to rot down here!
“Ivan, tell me what you see.” Doc’s voice grounded me, reminding me of my true location. “You’re safe here, son. No one’s gonna hurt you. Just tell me what you see.”
“I seeher,” I whispered. “She’s standing right outside my cage, trying to decide where she’ll cut me today.”
“Which one is it today?”
“Her.” I emphasized the word. “The one who cut my face and tried to take my eye. The one who always cuts me the deepest because she hates me so much.”
“And how do you feel seeing her? What’s going through your head?”
“I’m scared,” I admitted. “I can’t feel pain anymore, but I’m going to bleed a lot and that won’t be good. But also I…I’m so happy.” A shaky laugh escaped. “She hasn’t come to see me in weeks. I’m so relieved she came back.”
“Why?” Doc couldn’t keep the disdain from his voice. “Why would you be happy to see her?”
“Sometimes I think she cuts me so deeply because she loves me. Why else would she keep coming back? She yells and screams that she hates me when no one else does. She’s the only woman who talks to me at all. Maybe it’s because I’m so alone and going crazy, but Iwanther to love me. I want her to keep coming back. I get so sad when she’s gone for weeks.”
Another laugh floated up from my chest, this one weak and embarrassed. “I feel stupid and weak for being happy to see her. I hate her. I hate that I want love or anything from her, but she’s the only person in the world I have.”
Doc was silent for a few moments. “Why do you want her to love you?”
“Because.” I stared back at the woman with hollow, hateful eyes. “She’s my mother.”
Four
MARIPOSA
“Alright, you brave little lady.” I scooped up a crying, fussing Vivian and turned to place her in Tessa’s arms. “Here’s your mama.”
Tessa shushed and bounced Vivian against her chest while rubbing her back. “It’s okay, sweetie, no more poking. Auntie Mari promises to be nice from now on.”
