Page 15 of Senseless
I sidestepped toward the couch he’d been sleeping on, pulling the blanket over my legs like it would shield me from him. Hades and Freyja, in their front-row seats to our mess, watched him move to sit on the far side of the couch. Looking at Reaper expectantly, I folded my hands on top of the blanket and waited.
“I…”
So eager to talk just a few moments ago, Reaper now seemed at a loss for words. His forearms rested on his knees, eyes flicking up from me and back down to his hands.
“I really have to get going soon,” I told him. “And not just because I’m avoiding you.”
“I understand. I just, I…” his head tilted back with an exhausted sigh. “I miss you so much, Mari.”
I miss you too. So fucking much.My teeth came down hard on the inside of my cheek to prevent the words from coming out.
“I want my wife back.” Reaper’s hand moved to the couch cushion next to him, a small motion toward closing the distance between us. “I wantusback.” His hand slid a whole inch toward me, stopping as I scooted away. The hurt on his face cut like glass.
“You…hurtme.” The words came out through gritted teeth, my nails biting into my palms to remind me of just how much it hurt. “And you might not have killed Shadow, but youdestroyedhim. I loved him, Reaper. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, that he would be a work in progress, and that he’d need help, possibly for the rest of his life. And you undidallof it.”
“I know.” His hand returned to his knee, fingers clasped loosely as his head hung low, his throat worked in heavy swallows. “I’m so, so sorry, Mari.”
I didn’t want to acknowledge that apology. It sounded half-hearted and cheap, so I said nothing. Silence passed between us, no sounds except for our breaths sawing in and out of our chests.
“I thought I was protecting you. I thought sending him away was my duty, as a president and a husband, to do things right.” His voice, now heavy with sorrow, cut through the silent air. “That was wrong of me. I should have trusted your word, instead of writing you off to protect my ego.” Reaper’s head lowered until his hands touched his forehead. “I’m sorry. I never would have done it if I knew it would hurt you so much.” His head lifted slightly, eyes turning toward me. “If I knew it would damage us like this, I’d have never let it cross my mind.”
I could hear the aching hurt in every one of his words. He sounded sincere and truly pained by his actions. It dulled the edge of my anger a little, but not fully.
“Shadow is the real victim in this,” I said. “You, me, Gunner, and Jandro? We all have the same things we started out with—the club, our jobs, this house, the favor of the governor. Buthehas nothing anymore. Do you realize that?”
Reaper nodded tiredly. “Yes, I know.”
“I want to believe that you’re sorry. I want to believe that you regret what you did and want to make things right. And I…” My breath shook as my chest tightened. “I want our family back together too.”
“But?” he prompted me gently.
“But I can’t just let this go while Shadow is still out there, suffering for the consequences ofyouractions.” I stabbed a finger toward his chest. “At the end of the day, we still have beds to sleep in and food on our table. We still have a community that supports and cares for us. Buthedoesn’t. And that,” I shook my head, “means I can’t go back to being happily married to you and Gunner. Not until I haveallthe men I love back where they need to be.”
“I understand, sug—Mari.” Reaper sighed deeply, rubbing his eyes. “If I allow him to come back into the club with no questions asked, would that be a step in the right direction?”
“Do you really mean that or are you saying it because it’s what I want to hear?”
“I mean it. He can return to his original position, no questions asked. It’s just…”
“What?”
“After knowing what he did to you, seeing it with my own eyes...” Reaper swallowed. “It…might be difficult for me to work with him, to trust him like I did before.” His fingers clasped tighter together. “But I’ll do it anyway. I’ll welcome him back and I promise not to make any issues for him. It’s just…something personal I have to get past.”
“That’s a nice sentiment,” I said, skepticism coloring my voice. As long as he followed through on his actions, it didn’t really matter to me how he felt. “Now, how are you going to let Shadow know he’s welcome back in Four Corners with open arms?”
Reaper spread his hands. “I’ll put the word out as far as I can. Governor Vance probably has more reach than me. But evenifthe message reaches him, it’s gonna be up to Shadow to come home.”
“Right.” He wasn’t wrong about that, but it hurt too much to think that Shadow might notwantto come back. I pushed the blanket off my lap before I stood up. “Good talk, Reaper.”
“Wait!” He jumped to his feet, panic crossing his face. “Is it…can we…” He swallowed again, the pulse in his neck firing rapidly. “Can we just…start talking again? Please?”
I grabbed my backpack by the front door and pulled it on, purposely stalling while trying not to look like I was. My chest ached with the need to screamyes, to run at him with the knowledge that he would catch me, take me to bed, and make everything better.
Instead, I fiddled with my straps while he stood there waiting, like I was about to sentence him to death or set him free.
“I’m going to be gone for a few days,” I said. “Maybe a week. I’m going with the field medics to support your dad’s units engaging with Blakeworth.” My weight shifted on my feet. “We can talk more after I get back.”
Reaper pulled his lips between his teeth. I saw his fists close at his sides and brow pinch in the start of his signature, disapproving scowl. I already knew what was going through his head—that he wanted to prevent me from going, or at the very least, send one of the guys with me.
